When is the right time for marriage?

Marriage is for mature people; men and women (not boys and girls) who are able to form a separate family unit, independent both in finance and moral responsibility.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2 v 24.

Our natural desires can easily lead us into a wrong even dangerous position. Especially when we are young it is easy to become so convinced that we have found the right one that our judgement becomes blurred if not blind. There have been many who through an impetuous decision have been led into a sad relationship or led away from a path of devotion to the Lord and obedience to His Word.

As a young man I had many lessons to learn. I thought I knew all the answers but at the age of seventeen I came to realise that I needed to completely rethink my attitude to this subject. I came to the conclusion that God knew what was best for my life and if He wanted me to be married He would guide me to the right person when His time was right. I did not want to do anything that would prevent my receiving His best. I realised that God knew how to give me a wife, if that was His will, so I determined that I would not in any way commit myself to anyone until I was sure it was the Lord's will. (I was sure that in such an important matter I would not be in any doubt.) I made a simple rule for myself that I would not go out alone with or show attachment to any girl until I was sure of God's will. This way I avoided being carried along by a momentary whim.

The child of God, for his own protection and blessing, and out of concern or the blessing of others, and above all, in order to honour God, should seek only the will of the Lord and the guidance of His hand in this matter that must vitally affect his entire future life for good or for ill. For if two should agree to live together as man and wife, their coming together is a solemn act, God joining them together as "one flesh," - an act therefore by which they commit themselves to a path of unswerving faithfulness to the other. The ungodly world about us today flagrantly disregards these serious obligations: countless broken homes bear witness to the treacherous dishonesty of human hearts; and gross sin multiplies its toll of sorrow and misery.

Far better for the Christian to remain unmarried than to marry without the guidance of God.

Is this not the pattern of every true marriage? In His sovereign wisdom and providence, does He not, at his own time, and in His own way, bring together two young lives (or older), and where there is true faith in Him, give them both the clear assurance of His own leading, that they may with confidence be joined together "in the Lord"? May the young believer settle for nothing less than this, for otherwise he may find the results tragic in the extreme.

"But this I say by way of permission, not by way of command. Now I wish all men to be even as myself; but each has his own gift of God, one this way, and another that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows: It is good for them that they remain even as I. But if they have not self-control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn." (Vers. 6-9.) Thus did the Holy Spirit lead the large-hearted apostle to write, in what he had laid down, declaring that it was not as a commandment, but a permission. His own wish for others was that all should be even as himself. But he does not overlook that each has as God gives him. Hence to the unmarried and to widows he says, it is good for them to remain even as he; yet even then not absolutely, but only in case they can without fear of sinning in this respect.

This permission, however, and this direction which recommended Christians to marry, was not a commandment from the Lord, given by inspiration, but the fruit of the apostle's experience — an experience to which the presence of the Holy Ghost was not wanting. He would rather that every one were like himself; but every one had, in this respect, his gift from God. To the unmarried and the widows, it is good, he says, to abide as he himself was; but if they could not subdue their nature and remain in calm purity, it was better to marry. Unsubduedness of desire was more hurtful than the bond of marriage. But as to marriage itself, there was no longer room for the counsel of experience, the commandment of the Lord was positive. The woman was not to separate from the man, nor the man from the woman; and if they separated, the bond was not broken; they must remain unmarried or else be reconciled.

His own desire was that all men (believers of course) were as himself, unmarried. Certainly this was impossible of fulfilment, for everyone had his proper gift from God. If God had not himself fitted one for this, it would be a mistake for him to refuse to marry a wife God had brought to him. Paul's viewpoint certainly was a blessed one, but it is not the normal, usual path, and however we might admire it, this is not itself the power to follow it. We can fully agree that it is good to remain unmarried; yet even Paul himself advises that if the natural instinct and desire for marriage were strong within one, it is better to marry. "Forbidding to marry," he assures us elsewhere, is diabolical teaching (I Tim.4:1‑3).

Clearly then, for the believer the normal thing is that marriage should take place, and all its duties and responsibilities be observed. It is contemplated in verse 5 that husband and wife may separate for a season, in order more fully to be at the Lord's disposal, but that is to be done mutually, and with prayer, lest the adversary should gain any advantage by it.

If in both the man and woman who contemplate marriage, there is not present some real measure of this willingness to give himself or herself in loving self-denial, in diligent care and labour for the blessing of the other, then they may be certain that such a marriage has not the sanction of God. Let them proceed no further.

This love, as we see in the Lord Jesus, involves an undeviating faithfulness and thorough devotedness to the one who is loved. If considering marriage, let the believer be not only fully purposed himself that this should be true of him, but be certain that such evidence is seen in the partner he desires.

I therefore put forward some very serious advice for young believers. Through prayer and searching the Word of God seek first to be sure whether your intended marriage can really be entered into "in the Lord," i.e. in accordance with His will (1 Cor. 7:39). A marriage entered into without much thought is just as valid before God as any other marriage and must be honoured by both partners. "Let marriage be held every way in honour, and the bed be undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers will God judge" (Heb. 13:4, J.N.D. Trans.).