What does it mean to "spare the rod, spoil the child"?

There is another form of following God's ways in the due correction of the family. How many of the godly have spared the rod, and thus failed in love to their sons! Here is laid down the warning and the sort of love: "He that spares his rod hates his son: but he that loves him chastens him, or seeks him early with discipline." To spare is really to please oneself, and harm deeply one's son.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (v. 6). Such training requires decided discipline, including inflicting physical pain, from which we shall not shrink if we love our child. The supervisor of a home for children was shocked when a boy told him, "You love your own boy more than you love me." He felt he had treated all the boys fairly, so asked this boy why he said this, and received an answer that surprised him: "You spank your own boy, and you don't spank me." Children are often very discerning of such things. The good results of training may not be seen very early in the child's life, but "when he is old, he will not depart from it."

"Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul."

The child must be corrected in order to be preserved from increased transgression. Moreover, this will cause rest to the faithful parent, and more than this, a real solid delight. Observe in all this chapter the value of proper, careful government.

"The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.''

If one is not wise, he will not learn wisdom by mere education: the rod and reproof are imperative needs. They may not be taken kindly at the time, for they are intended to hurt. A child needs this, as does also a child of God when disobedient. God may use providential means to chasten and scourge us and we know it is for good. If a child is left to himself, his ignorance will lead him badly astray, so that the shame of it will come upon his mother's shoulders. The child of God may well thank his Father that He does not leave us to ourselves, but "scourgeth every son whom He receiveth" (Heb. 12).

Then comes the serious question of training, and not merely teaching the young; and the word is, "Withhold not correction from the child." But if he needs chastening for moral delinquency, there must be self-restraint as well as holy resoluteness. He is not to be beaten with a scourge to his great pain or injury, but "with the rod." So beaten, "he shall not die," but live the better. On the other hand, the parent must not shirk pain to natural feeling — "thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell." Let the father fear the end of laxity, and look for blessing on a godly beginning.

It is sad to turn from Hannah's son to Eli's sons. "His sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not." (1 Sam. 3:13). The wickedness of Eli's sons is too well known to make it necessary for us to enter into the details of either the sins or the judgment. The Lord Himself has summed it all up in the verse just quoted, and He has given us the reason for both sins and judgment: "He restrained them not." Eli was ninety eight years old, and at that time remonstrated with his sons, but it was too late, "They hearkened not unto the voice of their father, because the Lord would slay them." (1 Sam. 2:25). There is, perhaps, no passage in the Scriptures that should speak more solemnly to the hearts of us parents than this sad story; may we each one heed it, and learn the lesson. Probably two or three good spankings when they were small would have saved those boys, not only from an untimely death, but their souls from hell. It is not the fashion in these days, in some quarters, to spank the children; but how clearly the Scriptures speak: "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell." Proverbs 23:13. "He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." Proverbs 13:24. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him." Proverbs 22:15. "The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame." "Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea he shall give delight unto thy soul." Proverbs 29:15, 17. "Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying." Proverbs 19:18. These Scriptures make very clear the will of God in this most important matter. And note these Scriptures call for a really good punishment with a stick, that does not stop for the child's crying.

Verse 12 again emphasizes what has been told us before, to apply our heart to hearing instruction by listening carefully to the word of knowledge. If so, we shall not withhold correction from our children, which correction might involve using a rod to cause pain (v. 13) Of course the suffering would not be so severe as to cause death. Sometimes parents have been so cruel in their punishments that a child has died, but the parents would surely not be Christians in this case. But when punishment is deserved and meted out properly, this may be the means of delivering a child's soul from sheol (v. 14).

"Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child" (v. 15). He has inherited this from his parents who are children of Adam. Therefore, he needs the rod of correction." The rod is clearly that which will cause pain, or it could not be effective in so serious a case. The writer is thankful that his parents used the rod on him, and his children all express their appreciation of having had such discipline.

"Folly [is] bound in the heart of a child: the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. "He that oppresses the poor to increase his [wealth], he that gives to the rich, surely [comes] only to want. "Incline thine ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply thy heart to my knowledge. "For [it is] a pleasant thing if thou keep them within thee: they shall be together fitted to thy lips. "That thy trust may be in Jehovah, I have made [them] known to thee this day, even to thee. "Have not I written to thee excellent things in counsels and knowledge "That I might make thee know the certainty of the words of truth; that thou mightest report words of truth to them that send thee?" vv. 15-21.

It is a sure and solemn thing that folly is no calamity from without, but bound in the heart, and this not only when in the conflicts of busy life, but from our early days, departed as all now are from God by nature. "Folly is bound in the heart of a child"; exemption there is none from the most tender age. Nor does the utmost love or care adequately restrain folly. There is the rod of correction to drive it far away by Jehovah's prescription and with His blessing. It is the folly of a father or mother to think their way better than God's.

Solemn passages these, Christian father! Are you going to degrade your own children to "bastards," by training them on the non-punishment principle? Prove that he is your son by — scourging him. It is thus God dealt with you and me. "He scourgeth every son whom He receiveth." And why? Because He loves us, and does love us; "For whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth." Does "scourging" look like "receiving"? or "chastening" like "loving"? Certainly not in any other relationship, but it is just that which characterises the love of the father for his son. First of all, it is true, came the Father's kisses of welcome; then the "BEST garment" then the ring and the sandals; then the fatted calf, and the music and dancing; and afterwards — the rod. The "rod" does not taste like the "kiss," but the same love that applied the kiss wields the rod. The love that spared not the only begotten Son, but laid the "chastisement of our peace upon Him," Who was the Holy and Spotless One, cannot spare our sinful flesh. Therefore it afflicts the flesh, in order to make the conscience to judge it, and the foolish heart, that had given way to it, return and cling the more closely to the love that applied the rod.

But it must be felt by the child, even whilst under the rod, that it is love that applies the rod. Children's eyes perceive very quickly, and their young hearts feel very acutely, even whilst under chastisement, whether love, or anger and passion, in the parent, applies the rod. In the latter case, the corrective implement will work anything but correction. Wrath provokes wrath. "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." In such a case, every stroke of the rod will drive the precious object of parental chastisement farther and farther away, and alienate his poor heart from the parent, instead of drawing him nearer to you, as in the case of the chastened boy mentioned above. It is not thus God deals with us, His children, beloved. How important, to learn of Him, Who "is Light" (i.e., "Holy, Holy, Holy,") and Who "is Love," how to show firmness and authority in season, and love in season. And how important, therefore, for a parent, before applying the rod of correction, to look up with an humbled and chastened spirit, before he applies the chastening rod, and ask God, Who giveth liberally and upbraideth not, for the needed wisdom and grace, and that His Spirit of love and of discretion may guide, for His own glory, the father's hand, in applying the bitter rod of correction.