What does it mean that women should have a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4)?

(Vv. 1, 2). The Apostle proceeds to exhort believers in the marriage relationship. The outstanding mark of the Christian wife should be subjection to her husband. In carrying out this exhortation we may learn how greatly a consistent Christian life can influence the unconverted. The unbelieving husband, who refuses to listen to the word of God, may be won by beholding the life of his wife lived in all purity and the fear of God.

(Vv. 3, 4). If, however, the wife is to live rightly with the husband, she must live in spirit before God. Her adorning is not to be after the passing fashions of this world, which only seek to make the woman outwardly attractive in the sight of men, while of necessity having nothing to say to the moral character, which is of great value in the sight of God. The Christian wife is to think rather of that which God sees — “the hidden man of the heart” — and adorn herself with the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit. This is the opposite of the vanity and self-assertiveness of the flesh which ever seeks prominence for self. Moreover, this meek and quiet spirit is to be cherished in the heart, in the sight of God. If cultivated there, it will surely form a meek and quiet character before God and men. There may be at times the affectation of a meek and quiet manner, but this is of little value unless it is the outcome of a meek and quiet spirit. Only that which comes from “the hidden man of the heart” will rightly affect the life.

(Vv. 5, 6). Holy women of old are cited as examples for Christian women today. They trusted in God, adorned themselves with meekness and quietness of spirit, and were in subjection to their husbands. Sarah proved her obedience and subjection to her husband by calling him lord, according to the custom of that day. Wives that trust in God, obey their husbands, and do well without fear of consequences, are characteristically children of Sarah.

Meekness is not weakness, neither is gentleness that pliable softness that can be twisted in any direction. Meekness and self-assertiveness stand in contrast to each other: so do gentleness and harshness. Meekness is a matter of character — the Lord Jesus said, "I am meek and lowly in heart" — and so it comes first. Gentleness is more a question of one's manner. He who is meek in character will be gentle in manner. He who is self-assertive in character will be harsh in manner. Supreme meekness and supreme gentleness were found in Christ; and yet no one was bolder than He, when it was a question of maintaining the right or opposing the evil. In a very large measure the Apostle was following His steps, and hence boldness as well as meekness and gentleness were found in him.

As far as we know this expression is not found excepting in this scripture, but the characteristic with which it is linked — namely, meekness — explains it; and, moreover, the fact of the Lord’s gentleness shines out in almost every page of the Gospels. It is good for our souls to meditate upon it, though we may be rebuked by the contrast it offers to our own hardness and unyieldingness. The apostle uses it as a ground of appeal to the Corinthians who had turned aside from his blessed teachings, and who, if they had not entirely rejected his apostolic authority, were yet allowing him to be displaced, both in their affections and as a teacher, by ‘false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ’ (2 Cor. 11:13). It was in such circumstances that Paul besought them by the meekness and gentleness of Christ. His enemies had alleged that his bodily presence was weak and his speech contemptible. Was it that the lineaments of his Master — His meekness and gentleness — had shone out through his ministry? And that it was this which had excited the opposition, not to say contempt, of these upholders of the first man, of what man glories in as man, and what exalts him before the eyes of men? We know not; but in any case it will be profitable for us to consider this beauteous trait of Christ.

It has been already remarked that it follows upon meekness, and meekness the Lord Himself connects with humility (Matt. 11:29). There is a difference in these moral graces, and yet it might almost be said that they are necessarily bound up together, that where one of them is found the others are sure to appear, at least in measure. Speaking not now of the Lord, for His will was as perfect as Himself, but of the Christian, it will not be disputed that true humility can only spring from brokenness of will; and that where the will has been practically set aside through discipline there also will be meekness, that patient unresistingness in the presence of evil which accepts every cup of sorrow and trial from the Lord’s hand, and displays gentleness of spirit and demeanour towards all. This is that contrite and humble spirit with which God loves to dwell (Isa. 57:15); or, as Peter says, that meek and quiet spirit which is in the sight of God of great price (1 Pet. 3:4).

ἡσύχιος, 'quiet,' occurs with πραΰς in 1 Peter 3:4, to which the end of 1 Peter 3:6 may refer: it is translated 'peaceable' in 1 Tim. 2:2. From it comes ἡσυχία, expressing the general idea of 'quietness,' as that which is enjoined upon the woman in 1 Tim. 2:11-12 of the same chapter (rather than 'silence' A.V.) See also 2 Thess. 3:12, where it is in contrast to officious meddling with other people's matters.

For instance, the women are exhorted in Scripture to adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shame-facedness and sobriety, not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array, but with good works (1 Tim. 2:10). The ornament of a meek and quiet spirit is to be theirs, which is, in the sight of God, of great price (1 Peter 3:4).

This ornament of a meek and quiet spirit—this ornament of great price—is not to be bought across the jeweller’s counter, but gained, as Mary found, by sitting at His feet and learning of Him. Such ornaments suit us all.

Secondly, we are told in 1 Peter 3:4, what this seed produces. It is some thing which in God’s sight is of great price, namely, (2) “the incorruptible ornament of a meek and quiet spirit.” In contrast to outward adorning, this beautiful and enduring grace is to enrich “the hidden man of the heart” Those who believe are born of water and of Spirit. The Word of God is operative in such, and “that which is born of the Spirit is spirit,” we are told. This lovely and eternal ornament results—the meek and quiet spirit which is of such value to God.

Exhortation had been already given against all vanity and worldly show, but with due care that the outward apparel should express "the hidden man of the heart." No doubt the open man of his house, the predominant partner, might enjoin and be entitled to her wearing jewels or other costly array in his sphere. But here women do not usually need a husband's command. Here the word is for their own conscience. For it is not only that God, in contrast with man, looks on the heart: His wondrous light into which He called us gives the Christian woman the highest standard, and thereby enables her by grace to judge all inconsistencies in the incorruptibility of a meek and quiet spirit. This, however foreign to human nature, would not be lost even on a hard and exacting husband, Jew or Greek; for such might be the lot of those addressed, and of course the former most frequently, either of them on the watch too often to spy the faults of a Christian. But under any circumstances such a lowly spirit, seen in all its perfection in Christ, is of much price in the sight of God; and this is of all things most consolatory to the tried if faithful.

The practical exhortations are now extended to the marriage relation, how wives and husbands should be royal priests, showing forth His excellencies in their divinely sanctioned union, as man and wife. The wife is mentioned first, for her place is the highest, the place of submission, which in God's eyes is the place of honor. The case of a wife is stated who has an unbelieving husband. Is she to submit to him, who is an unbeliever? Must she be obedient to such a one? How often wives placed in this position have listened to the evil councils of others, and, instead of submitting to the demands of an unbelieving husband, have resisted him, and as a result misery came upon them. Let it be noticed that the Holy Spirit insists on obedience; the fact of the disobedient husband is given as a reason for submission. Then there is a promise. The unbelieving husband is to be won without the Word, that is, without preaching in a public service, by the godly life of meekness and submission of the believing wife. This is the advice of the Holy Spirit, and many times the promise given to the believing wife has been made good.

Furthermore, there is a word concerning dress. The adorning is not to be outwardly in braiding of hair, wearing of gold, or putting on of apparel, but inwardly, "the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which in the sight of God is of great price." The positive side is emphasized more than the negative. The greatest ornament a woman can wear is "a meek and quiet spirit," for it shows that in manifesting meekness and quietness, they learned and received from Him, who on earth was "meek and lowly of heart." This applies to every believer likewise. Wherever a meek and quiet spirit is manifested God is well pleased with it. What a contrast with the conditions in the world today. Women claim equality with men; in every walk of life they clamor to be heard; the female sex is breaking down the barriers set by the Creator and the Redeemer, demanding leadership in every sphere. The result will be disaster. But it must not be overlooked that here is also exhortation for the Christian woman to dress outwardly as becomes a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ. There should be a difference between the daughters of the world and those who are Christ's. On the other hand, shabbiness of dress, an unclean appearance, is no more an honor to the Gospel, than a dress which is after the latest fashion of the world.

Peter gives the holy women a very good commendation, a commendation that every sister should covet. This meek and quiet spirit is most precious in the sight of God, more precious than all the outward adornments, however nice or valuable they may be. God said to Samuel "man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart" (1 Sam.16:7). Here is something that God wants from every dear sister, a life of devotedness to the will of God, a life not of outward show but a life of inward reality, a life that is pleasing to His eye (and His eye can discern as no other eye can discern). He looks into the heart, the conscience and the mind and what He approves of is a meek and quiet spirit in His sight. These holy women hoped in God.

But, as the first verse indicates, some believing women may have husbands who, not being converted, do not obey the word. In this case, the converted wife is still to act towards him as the word directs. She, at any rate, is to be a Christian woman and let her Christianity shine in her pure manner of life (v. 2), her avoidance of worldly artifices for self-adornment and self-display (v. 3), her meek and peaceful spirit, which is so great a thing in God's estimation (v. 4), and her subjection to him, coupled with the doing of good and a spirit of calm confidence in God (vv. 5, 6). By such "conversation" or "manner of life" many a husband has been won "without the word."