What does it mean that he who spares the rod hates his son (Proverbs 13:24)?

Verse 23 shows that though the ground of a poor man lies fallow, God will see to it that the eventual result will be much food, for He cares for the poor. On man's part there is lack of justice, the poor are not cared for, and there is waste. In a world where this is true, there is also need of the disciplining of children. If the father neglects using a rod to correct his son, he is actually guilty of hating his son. There are some, even Christians, who strongly object to administering punishment that physically hurts, but this is false kindness. In fact, God often has to hurt us physically, so that we may learn to obey, and He does so because he loves us (Heb. 12:6). In fact, this verse (24) presses the need for prompt punishment.

There is another form of following God's ways in the due correction of the family. How many of the godly have spared the rod, and thus failed in love to their sons! Here is laid down the warning and the sort of love: "He that spares his rod hates his son: but he that loves him chastens him, or seeks him early with discipline." To spare is really to please oneself, and harm deeply one's son.

In 1 Kings 1:6 we read of Adonijah, the son of Haggith, who was next in age to Absalom; and the divine record of his upbringing is peculiarly sad: "His father had not displeased him at any time in saying, Why hast thou done so?" What a solemn, and what a true, practical, demonstration of words written a little later by one of Adonijah's half-brothers. "He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." How very different might have been the history of David and Solomon, and all that followed after, had David's sons had a few good spankings when they were small.

It is sad to turn from Hannah's son to Eli's sons. "His sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not." (1 Sam. 3:13). The wickedness of Eli's sons is too well known to make it necessary for us to enter into the details of either the sins or the judgment. The Lord Himself has summed it all up in the verse just quoted, and He has given us the reason for both sins and judgment: "He restrained them not." Eli was ninety eight years old, and at that time remonstrated with his sons, but it was too late, "They hearkened not unto the voice of their father, because the Lord would slay them." (1 Sam. 2:25). There is, perhaps, no passage in the Scriptures that should speak more solemnly to the hearts of us parents than this sad story; may we each one heed it, and learn the lesson. Probably two or three good spankings when they were small would have saved those boys, not only from an untimely death, but their souls from hell. It is not the fashion in these days, in some quarters, to spank the children; but how clearly the Scriptures speak: "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell." Proverbs 23:13. "He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." Proverbs 13:24. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him." Proverbs 22:15. "The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame." "Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea he shall give delight unto thy soul." Proverbs 29:15, 17. "Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying." Proverbs 19:18. These Scriptures make very clear the will of God in this most important matter. And note these Scriptures call for a really good punishment with a stick, that does not stop for the child's crying.

How many parents there are today, even Christian parents, who do not discipline their children according to the Scriptures. They think that it is unkind to punish a child and to correct it, or to give it corporal punishment when necessary. This is of course Freudian philosophy but not Biblical instruction. It is actually a lack of love that does not correct and guide a child when it goes wrong, or when it must be compelled for its own sake.

This is in scripture mostly linked with love and sonship, and implies 'instruction' and 'discipline.' He that loveth chasteneth. Prov. 13:24; Deut. 8:5; Heb. 12:5-11; Rev. 3:19. "Blessed is the man whom thou chastenest." Ps. 94:12. The chastening at the time does not seem to be joyous but grievous, yet afterward it yields the peaceable fruits of righteousness to those exercised thereby. Heb. 12:11. John 15:2 shows that a Christian may be chastened of the Father that he may bring forth more fruit.

Solemn passages these, Christian father! Are you going to degrade your own children to "bastards," by training them on the non-punishment principle? Prove that he is your son by — scourging him. It is thus God dealt with you and me. "He scourgeth every son whom He receiveth." And why? Because He loves us, and does love us; "For whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth." Does "scourging" look like "receiving"? or "chastening" like "loving"? Certainly not in any other relationship, but it is just that which characterises the love of the father for his son. First of all, it is true, came the Father's kisses of welcome; then the "BEST garment" then the ring and the sandals; then the fatted calf, and the music and dancing; and afterwards — the rod. The "rod" does not taste like the "kiss," but the same love that applied the kiss wields the rod. The love that spared not the only begotten Son, but laid the "chastisement of our peace upon Him," Who was the Holy and Spotless One, cannot spare our sinful flesh. Therefore it afflicts the flesh, in order to make the conscience to judge it, and the foolish heart, that had given way to it, return and cling the more closely to the love that applied the rod.

But it must be felt by the child, even whilst under the rod, that it is love that applies the rod. Children's eyes perceive very quickly, and their young hearts feel very acutely, even whilst under chastisement, whether love, or anger and passion, in the parent, applies the rod. In the latter case, the corrective implement will work anything but correction. Wrath provokes wrath. "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." In such a case, every stroke of the rod will drive the precious object of parental chastisement farther and farther away, and alienate his poor heart from the parent, instead of drawing him nearer to you, as in the case of the chastened boy mentioned above. It is not thus God deals with us, His children, beloved. How important, to learn of Him, Who "is Light" (i.e., "Holy, Holy, Holy,") and Who "is Love," how to show firmness and authority in season, and love in season. And how important, therefore, for a parent, before applying the rod of correction, to look up with an humbled and chastened spirit, before he applies the chastening rod, and ask God, Who giveth liberally and upbraideth not, for the needed wisdom and grace, and that His Spirit of love and of discretion may guide, for His own glory, the father's hand, in applying the bitter rod of correction.

We cannot understand how anyone calling himself a Christian parent can adopt a system of harsh and cruel treatment towards his children. It can only result in making them liars and infidels. They will tell lies to escape the strap. They will despise the religion which stands connected with such inordinate severity. Such treatment as you describe is more worthy of a cruel slavemaster than of a Christian parent. There are cases in which some discipline is necessary, but it should be administered in such a way as to convince the child that it is only for his good and not the fruit of bad temper or of arbitrary severity. The rod should be most reluctantly lifted. It should be the very last resource. In short, the Christian parent should ever keep before him as his model his heavenly Father's dealings with himself. Does He inflict punishment for confessed sin? The thought is blasphemy. He only chastens in love, to make us partakers of His holiness. It grieves Him to have to use the rod. “His soul was grieved for the misery of Israel.” This should be the Christian parent's pattern.

Then comes the serious question of training, and not merely teaching the young; and the word is, "Withhold not correction from the child." But if he needs chastening for moral delinquency, there must be self-restraint as well as holy resoluteness. He is not to be beaten with a scourge to his great pain or injury, but "with the rod." So beaten, "he shall not die," but live the better. On the other hand, the parent must not shirk pain to natural feeling — "thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell." Let the father fear the end of laxity, and look for blessing on a godly beginning.

Verse 12 again emphasizes what has been told us before, to apply our heart to hearing instruction by listening carefully to the word of knowledge. If so, we shall not withhold correction from our children, which correction might involve using a rod to cause pain (v. 13) Of course the suffering would not be so severe as to cause death. Sometimes parents have been so cruel in their punishments that a child has died, but the parents would surely not be Christians in this case. But when punishment is deserved and meted out properly, this may be the means of delivering a child's soul from sheol (v. 14).