What does God have to say to single fathers?

p379 [From the French.] DEAR SISTER, - I write these few lines to express to you my cordial sympathy, for I have just now heard that you have lost your dear husband. This news has moved me deeply, and how much more must it have you. I knew him a long time before you knew him; he was still quite young, in his father's house, and I was interested in a journey which he took into Germany in search of a situation as tutor, and in which he did not succeed. God had provided a better work for him. When he returned home, there was a struggle in his soul between the call of the Lord and his duty towards his parents, who had made many sacrifices for his education. At length, during a storm on the lake of Neuchâtel, which he was crossing to visit one of his sisters, being at the point of perishing, he felt he must devote himself to the work of the Lord. When he returned home he told his mother so. … Since then you have known him better than I, though our intercourse has always been full of love, and I was heartily attached to him, so that this blow from the hand of the Lord touches me deeply. The work of the Lord, too, in a field where, as far as we can see, few will be able to replace him, is apparently left without help. For the work, for yourself, we must look to the Lord. Your part now is to have entire confidence in Him, the Father of the fatherless, and the Husband of the widow. Your large family gives you the opportunity of glorifying the Lord much, because you have so many things to trust Him about. He seeks this confidence. If the heart of man loves confidence, much more does the heart of the Lord, for He is goodness itself. Commit to Me, He says, your widows and your fatherless. And not only has the Lord Jesus compassion, but circumstances awaken His pity, as in the case of the son of the widow of Nain, and when He saw the crowds who were as sheep without a shepherd. Your task is great, but it is not too much for the goodness of the Lord. By this stroke He can make a comfort and support of your children themselves. But your trust must be in the Lord, for yourself and for everything.

But the duty is not one-sided. The apostle adds, "And ye, fathers, provoke not your children to wrath but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (v. 4.) Both parents are to be obeyed, but this admonition is addressed only to the fathers. This may be partly because fathers are more likely to err in the provoking of their children to wrath than mothers; but the principal reason is that the father, as the head of the house, is responsible to God for the bringing up of the children, and he is treated on the ground of this responsibility. This principle, as seen in Eli's case, runs throughout Scripture. It is all the more solemn because under Christianity the children are already holy, as belonging to the house of God; and the obligation is therefore the greater to "bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." The Israelites were holy by birth - not personally, but as belonging to a nation set apart to God - and therefore the fathers were to instruct the children in the law, their then link with God. So Christian parents are to instruct their children as to what becomes the holy character which attaches to them as members of a Christian family.

{"And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath; but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (Eph. 6:4.) There is great danger of provoking our children to wrath by inordinate strictness and arbitrary treatment. We may constantly find ourselves seeking to mould and fashion our children according to our own tastes and peculiarities, rather than to "bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." This is a very great mistake, and will surely issue in failure and confusion. We shall gain nothing, in the way of testimony for Christ, by moulding and fashioning nature into the most exquisite shapes. Moreover, it does not require faith to train and cultivate nature; but it does require it to bring up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

To the fathers is the admonition (more needed by such than the mothers, perhaps, though in principle no doubt intended for both), "Provoke not your children to wrath; but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (Ver. 4.) What knowledge of the heart of both old and young! What tender consideration, after the pressure of obedience, lest a too stringent and capricious use of the parental authority might exasperate! The bringing them up, or nourishing, is, on the other hand, to be with the Lord's discipline and admonition. As the Christian knows His ways, as they are in exercise toward himself and others, so is he to train up his children for Him — an all-important principle for the parent's own heart and conscience. Do we desire the Lord alone for them, or the world too?

VERY parent knows something of — feels in measure — the solemn responsibility connected with the government and training of his children. A more difficult field of duty can scarcely be imagined; and yet, from its very nature, there are few departments of life which, - when occupied in simple and single-eyed dependence upon the Lord, yield such blessed results. How many of the saints of God have traced their conversion instrumentally to pious and faithful parents! When therefore we consider the vast influence for good, or for evil, which parents must exert — the solemn issues of their responsibility — it must ever be an important question, What is the nature of the parent's duty to his children? As in all the practical duties of the believer, the Scriptures abound with instruction on this point. They teach both by example and by precept; they present for our consideration children, such as Samuel, who are devoted to the Lord at the earliest period of life; they portray the evil consequences of parental misrule; and they give precept upon precept, both in the Old and New Testaments, for the guidance of those who desire to be instructed in the wisdom of God. It may perhaps be profitable to cite at the outset a few of these scriptures, in order to collect the directions thus afforded.

We may, first of all, point out the fact that a special blessing rested on Abraham, because of his fidelity to God, in the government of his family. "For," said the Lord, "I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him." (Gen. 18:19. See the context.) We may also allude to the disorders in the family of Jacob, and their obvious cause. And then, passing on to the book of Deuteronomy, we have direct exhortations: "And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." (Deut. 6:6-7. Compare Deut. 4:9, and Deut. 11:19.) The warning example of Eli enforces the same lesson: "For I have told him," said God to Samuel, respecting the aged priest, "that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not," or, as it is in the margin, "he frowned not upon them," i.e. did not enforce his parental authority. (1 Sam. 3:13.) David affords another conspicuous example of family misrule. A few direct instructions may be added: "For He established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which He commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children; that the generation to come might know them, even the children that should be born, who should arise and declare them to their children, that they might set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God. but keep His commandments; and might not be as their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation; a generation that set not their heart aright, and whose spirit was not steadfast with God." (Ps. 78:5-8.) In the Proverbs of Solomon are also many admonitions as to the treatment of children: "Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying." (Prov. 19:18.) "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell." (Prov. 23:13-14.) One more: "Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest: yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul." (Prov. 29:17.) We pass now to the New Testament: "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (Eph. 6:4.) "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." (Col. 3:21.)

This fact shows the importance of understanding the relationship into which the children are brought with God through their believing parents. This relationship, as has been shown when treating of the "household," is, so to speak, an external one, but still involving responsibilities both for the parent and his children. It corresponds somewhat with the position of Jewish children. Although not saved because of their descent, yet they were reckoned amongst God's earthly people, and as such had to be instructed as to God's requirements and their responsibilities. (See Deut. 6:6-7, etc.) As God had separated them from the rest of the nations, they were to be taught and trained as His people on the earth. In like manner fathers are now exhorted to bring up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (Eph. 6:4.)

(1.) It is somewhat remarkable that the first exhortation is, "But, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath." So also in Colossians: "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger." (Col. 3:21.) It is not exactly the same word, though the meaning is not very different. This will be at once understood when it is perceived that this exhortation follows upon the call to children to obey their parents. Fathers are placed in almost absolute authority; and hence the first thing the Spirit of God does in turning to parents is to admonish them as to the manner in which they should exercise their authority. Knowing what the flesh is, even in a Christian, and how apt we are to be tyrannical and despotic in the place in which God has set us, He, in tender consideration for those who are put in the subject position, says, "Provoke not your children to wrath." Parents have almost unlimited control (limited only by the words added to the injunction, "in the Lord") over their children, but they are hereby warned that they must be careful before God as to the method of their government. They must consider the feelings of their children, and while they must never abate one jot or tittle of what is due to the Lord, they must remember their weakness; not lay upon them more than they can bear lest they might be discouraged. A more striking illustration of God's tenderness for children could scarcely be conceived-a tenderness which was exemplified again and again by our blessed Lord while down here upon the earth-than is expressed in this special injunction to parents. And we all know, how apt we are to be capricious or harsh in our rule; and hence our need of this reminder. let every parent therefore remember, that if, on the one hand, God has given him the rule over his family, on the other He has carefully defined the character of its exercise; and that he is as responsible for the latter as for the former.

"Lest they should be discouraged." How easy to discourage children, and especially from the right ways of the Lord. With keen and tender susceptibilities, of quick observation and rapid detection of inconsistencies, harsh government might very soon undo years of patient teaching, and speedily mar the most industrious efforts to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Parents therefore cannot be too careful on this point; and it will aid them to be so if they remember that they derive their own position from divine appointment, and that their children are to be governed and trained for God.

(2,) "But bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." The words employed are most significant. More exactly, it is discipline and admonition. Discipline will apply rather to the whole course of training or education; admonition implies constant watchfulness in order to warn against dangers, forgetfulness, or departure from the path into which they are being led. Nor should the exact meaning of "bring them up" pass unnoticed. It is to rear; and hence goes back, in regard to children, to earliest infancy. It is important to notice this, because many parents fall into the mistake of supposing that they must wait for their children's conversion before they seek to carry out this injunction; and hence the sad spectacle is often presented of Christian parents permitting their children all kinds of worldly ways, dress, and amusements, under the plea that they are not yet the Lord's. This is to miss the whole point of the teaching of these scriptures, as well as to forget the special place into which the children of believers are brought. The Spirit of God does not say, Wait and pray for your children's conversion; but He says, Rear them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. You are thus to take God at His word, counting upon Him for the blessing contained in the promise, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Prov. 22:6)

Passing over the disorders which sprang up in David's family, disorders which constitute a very solemn warning for all parents, we come now to the positive exhortation given to fathers by the apostle. It is remarkable that, both in Ephesians and Colossians, he should begin by urging them not to provoke their children to anger.* From this we learn, in the first place, the tender solicitude of God for the children of His people. He would have their parents to remember and to consider their weakness, the quickness and impatience of the flesh, and thus to avoid vexing and irritating restrictions and directions which might indispose them to listen to godly teaching and counsel. For it should never be forgotten that children, as well as saints, even if in another way, need to be in a collected and calm state of mind to receive divine instructions. This will help us to understand that the conduct of parents, even in the maintenance of authority in their household, should be governed by their responsibility to bring them up for the Lord. What dependence, what wisdom, and what watchful care are thus required! For, indeed, the family is the vineyard which Christian parents have to keep, and which they dare not, if they would be faithful to God, neglect in order to attend to any other vineyard.

Ephesians 6:4 also tells us that it is the responsibility of fathers to bring up their children in the ‘discipline and admonition’ of the Lord. Some fathers leave the whole burden of this to their wives, but this is not according to Scripture. We have read the words ‘ye fathers’, so the challenge is: be a father and take responsibility for bringing up your children. There are two elements to this. Firstly, discipline,[1] which means to recognise a child’s wrongdoing and stop it. There are cases where fathers see their children doing something wrong and do nothing about it (an example of which we have in 1 Kings 1:6). Of course, different children have different personalities and we need to adjust our methods to take account of this, using the wisdom the Lord gives us. Secondly, admonition or exhortation, a completely different matter, which means showing our children the right and good way to act and helping them follow it. We need a balanced approach: some fathers emphasise discipline and forget admonition, while others only admonish and never act. But we also read that these things should be done in ‘the Lord’. He is our help, so we need to be dependent on Him.

The exhortation to fathers is also remarkable — that they should not provoke their children; that their hearts should be turned towards them; that they should not repel them, nor destroy that influence which is the strongest guard against the evil of the world. God forms the heart of children around this happy centre: the father should watch over this. But there is more. The christian father (for it is always those within to whom he speaks) ought to recognise the position in which, as we have seen, the children are placed, and to bring them up under the yoke of Christ in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. Christian position is to be the measure and the form of the influences which the father exercises, and of the education which he gives his children. He treats them as brought up for the Lord, and as the Lord wo uld bring them up.

That we are to bring our children up for the Lord, is plainly the teaching of this word, "But bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." To do this rightly, we must ourselves be daily walking, before our children, in the practical exhibition of His character, and counting much on the sympathies and grace of His heart: remembering that He says to us, "Without me ye can do nothing."