Is it wise for Christian teens to be dating?

Marriage is for mature people; men and women (not boys and girls) who are able to form a separate family unit, independent both in finance and moral responsibility.

As a young man I had many lessons to learn. I thought I knew all the answers but at the age of seventeen I came to realise that I needed to completely rethink my attitude to this subject. I came to the conclusion that God knew what was best for my life and if He wanted me to be married He would guide me to the right person when His time was right. I did not want to do anything that would prevent my receiving His best. I realised that God knew how to give me a wife, if that was His will, so I determined that I would not in any way commit myself to anyone until I was sure it was the Lord's will. (I was sure that in such an important matter I would not be in any doubt.) I made a simple rule for myself that I would not go out alone with or show attachment to any girl until I was sure of God's will. This way I avoided being carried along by a momentary whim.

The question arises: "Will I get married and to whom?" The pressures around us from our peers, parents and the world in general are often very strong. Young people are expected to have a boy friend or girl friend from a very early age and if they do not they are seen to be failing. A relationship with a girl or boy may also be used as an expression of ego and superiority in young people who want to be seen with a partner. However it may just be the done thing, "everybody else does it, so I'll do it too." We have to realise, too, that young people have natural desires to be with members of the opposite sex of their own age. The fear of being “left on the shelf,” apparently unwanted, with the real stigma that this may bring can also lead some to be desperate to marry someone.

We are dealing here with a problem that only exists for an unmarried believer in this form: a life of sexual purity and abstinence. Of course, all Christians are called to a life of (sexual) purity, but for the married Christian this means being faithful to his or her marriage partner and to have sexual intercourse only with her or him, whereas for someone who is unmarried it means a life of permanent sexual abstinence. In a completely sexualised society this can be a hard thing for a teenage Christian, but it may not be much easier for a 30-year-old unmarried Christian either.

“Be a man of one book!” wrote Wesley. But he was himself a voluminous reader. What he meant was that the Bible should have the central place, and all other books should be read as subservient to it. If the Scriptures are not neglected, but thoughtfully read and meditated upon, one’s spiritual judgment will soon become sufficiently clarified to enable him to discern what other books can be read with edification. The godly soul will instinctively shrink from trashy novels, light, frivolous literature, and anything unclean and unholy. But Paul shows himself familiar with the history, science, and poetry of his day. He refers on occasion to historical events; he illustrates by the use of scientific facts; he quotes, when in keeping with his theme, what “certain of your own poets” have said, and in this we need not fear to follow him, if there be in us but the heart for Christ there was in him. It is to be feared that many Christians have been hindered by a hard, legal spirit on this very line. All reading has been tabooed that was not exactly spiritual. This is a grave mistake, and leads to extreme narrowness of mind and even positively hinders mental development, thus restricting one’s ability to enjoy what God Himself has given us in His Word. “Reading makes a full man,” is an old saying that is worthy of remembrance; only be careful to “take forth the precious from the vile.” And now, a word as to companionships. Paul enjoyed association with others. He loved fellowship. He appreciated friends, but his friends were among the people of God. To an Aquila or a Priscilla he could pour out his heart, and could enjoy to the full their tender affection. But, you may be sure, he never was found lounging about with an Elymas or even Gallio! And right here is where many a saint is not faithful. There is no clean break with the world. Old companionships are still sought and enjoyed. No wonder there is little or no growth. No wonder there are so many stunted Christians. “Come out from among them, and be ye separate” (2 Corinthians 6:17) is the Word of the Lord to all who are dilly-dallying with the world after confessing Christ. “The friendship of the world is enmity with God” (James 4:4). Find your friends among the friends of Christ! Let your companions be those who love His name, and then be careful not to let good fellowship degenerate into careless levity.

This is commonly the case where young persons of opposite sexes mingle much together. There is no reason why Christian young men and women should not meet and enjoy one another’s company in a pure and holy way. But often it is otherwise. If you feel there is a snare in such commingling, then be honest with your own souls and avoid what might dishonor Christ and hinder spiritual growth. Timothy was exhorted to treat elder brethren with the reverence due to fathers, “younger men as brethren; the elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity” (1 Timothy 5:1,2). The last three words are important, and if overlooked, will lead to many a snare. Young people need recreation; older ones, too, for that matter. It is a mistake to suppose that body and mind must always be keyed up to serious pursuits. “Bodily exercise profiteth [a] little” (1 Timothy 4:8)—not a great deal, but a “little.” Therefore beware of giving it an undue place, but do not neglect it. And in all your recreation see that there is nothing that hinders godliness, for godliness is of profit both in this life and the next.

Older believers, parents and those who work with young people, I believe we owe it to the generation following, to be clear and uncompromising in our advice and principles in matters of this kind. What I am pleading for is a united stand against the levity with which relationships with the opposite sex are often treated with gossip and joking. Our young people's spiritual welfare is at stake and we look to see the joining of Christian young people in marriage, as guided by our Lord, with the resultant joy and blessing as they serve Him together.

I am stirred to write as I see the sad effects in young people's lives of going their own way in their relationship with the opposite sex. The question of choosing a partner affects our whole spiritual outlook; how many promising lives have been ruined by a wrong choice! We all have to own our weakness and how much the old nature has to be kept in the place of death; but we can also be thankful that the grace of God is available for our every need.

The guidelines which I seek to give, you will realise, are completely contrary to those which are promoted by the world around; and not respected by some Christians either. In reading on I would ask that you do not view things from the worlds perspective, but prayerfully consider these things before the word of God. Young people, you probably think you know better (I did) but allow the Holy Spirit to open your mind to the teaching from God's word and the reward God gives for obedience, faithfulness and patience, will be more than you ever could have imagined.

Our natural desires can easily lead us into a wrong even dangerous position. Especially when we are young it is easy to become so convinced that we have found the right one that our judgement becomes blurred if not blind. There have been many who through an impetuous decision have been led into a sad relationship or led away from a path of devotion to the Lord and obedience to His Word.

May we also warn the young believer against being too free in his friendships with the opposite sex. Undue familiarity may easily lead to indiscreet behaviour, and to an unbalanced view of things, so that the heart is deceived to such an extent that a marriage is contracted that issues in painful regrets. While these things are perhaps negative, they are deeply important to consider. But we proceed to the most important necessity of

Engagement should be used to get to know each other by talking over different matters; praying together and reading God's word. Habits formed at this stage will provide a foundation for married life. In discussing all the many practical aspects of our lives in an attitude of dependence to our Lord and commitment to Him, He will guide our thoughts together and set our aim to serve Him. It is natural to want to spend as much time as possible in each other's company, but let us ensure that we make time for our responsibility to serve the Lord together in our local assembly or wherever He leads. These are all foundations for a spiritual marriage. If we use this time well it will be something to remember with pleasure.

There will also be the opportunity to get to know each other physically. This is once again an area that needs prayerful consideration. It is normal for there to be a display of affection between two who have committed themselves to each other; yet there is need for self-control and restraint. As in all the other areas we have discussed we should seek to honour the Lord and so live for His glory. Let us be wise in these matters and seek guidance to act in a manner that does not embarrass others or give a bad testimony. We must leave until marriage that freedom to enjoy all the privileges of physical closeness and union; we are forbidden to have intercourse outside of marriage and must not allow our physical emotions to control us. Such actions as staying unaccompanied in the same house should be avoided as they could lead to temptation and suspicion. "Abstain from all appearance of evil." 1 Thessalonians 5 v 22.