How does the Bible define a good Christian family?

Abram had his tent and altar throughout his life. He was a pilgrim and a worshipper, but homes have to be ordered according to God for this to be the case. God could say of him, ‘I know him that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of Jehovah, to do righteousness and justice’ (Gen. 18:19). What a contrast to Lot in Sodom who had no moral authority over his daughters and sons-in-law. As we consider the histories of those two households we cannot avoid the conclusion that to arm our children with Scripture and to ‘bring them up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord’ (Eph. 6:4) are both essential if they are to be faithful to God in their lives, especially at school, college and work. Paul writes of one who aspires to look over the spiritual welfare of his brethren, ‘if one does not know how to conduct his own house, how shall he take care of the assembly of God?’ (1 Tim. 3:5). Such faithfulness may bring its own brand of difficulty to our homes as it did to Jason’s in Thessalonica and no doubt Justus’ in Corinth (Acts 17:5; 18:7). But homes built on the rock will not fall even if the rain descends, the floods come and the winds blow (see Matthew 7:24). Whatever their circumstances, Christian families can happily count on the ‘the Father of compassions, and God of all encouragement’ (2 Cor. 1:3) whose house is ready, prepared for each and every one of His children by His Son, our Saviour (John 14:1–4).

Take Abraham, "the father of all them that believe" (Rom. 4:11), as an illustration and somewhat more. "I know him," says the Lord, "that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which He hath spoken of him" (Gen. 18:19). Here is, indeed, not a promise but an assurance, grounded upon that which the practical character of his faith wrought in the Old Testament example of it. Himself called out from the idolatry around to keep the way of the Lord, he acknowledged Him as the God of his household as well as his own God. With such purpose of heart the wise man's proverb would be fulfilled as to his house, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it" (Prov. 22:6). This is the rule of the Christian's house, according to which he is to bring up his children in the "nurture (or discipline) and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4). To this the promise applies that assures him that it shall be effectual; and not in vain is the assurance. The faith which it is true they need cannot be imparted by all that man can do for them: how comforting then the word which entitles confidence in the Lord to whom we bring them, and whose we would have them, that nevertheless this "discipline and admonition" shall be effectual! Discipleship, government, discipline belong to the kingdom; and "thou and thy house" have always been the rule in the kingdom of God. Yet all here is distinctly conditional, not absolute, as the Gospels fully show us; and to this, and not to the Church, is baptism introductory (see Matt. 28:18-19, notes); all is perfectly intelligible, therefore, when we find directly here, that "they spake unto him the word of the Lord, and to all that were in his house;" and that the jailer "was baptized, he and all his, immediately."

After these great and important principles of the new life the apostle enters into the diverse relationships of life, giving warnings against that which would endanger them, by showing what the christian character of each one of them is. To the wife, obedience — affection was natural to her. "Thy desire shall be to thy husband." To the husband, affection and kindness — his heart may be indifferent and hard. Children are to be obedient; fathers, gentle, in order that the children's affections may not be estranged from them, and that they may not be induced to seek that happiness in the world which they ought to find in the sanctuary of the domestic circle, which God has formed as a safeguard for those who are growing up in weakness; the precious home (if Christ is acknowledged) of kind affections, in which the heart is trained in the ties which God Himself has formed; and that in connection with the Lord, and which, by cherishing the affections, preserves from the passions and from self-will; and which, where its strength is rightly developed, has a power that, in spite of sin and disorder, awakens the conscience and engages the heart, keeping it away from evil and the direct power of Satan. For it is God's appointment.

Here in Ephesians 5 we see Him in another aspect, as the Head of authority, "The husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church." In verse 32 it ought to be, "This is the great mystery." Then, having addressed wives by the common duties that belong to them, in Ephesians 6 it is the same thing with children. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right." Even in the time of Moses this was an honourable duty. But here it is because it is right in the view of the Lord. This takes it out from the legal promise, and the Lord becomes the new sanction.

Fathers are next addressed. "Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Discipline is necessary, and cannot safely be dispensed with (does our Father train us without it?) but it must be wise to be good. It is unhappy to alienate the affections of the children by unnecessary rigour; parental influence is thus lost, and not easily regained. Faith regards the family as a precious charge from the Lord, and delights to lay hold of the word, "train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Prov. 22:6). Is not Timothy a bright example, and encouragement to faith (2 Tim. 3:15)?

In this epistle it is not merely God's control that is brought out, but special relationship. Here it is the Lord loving His own, with a love that has sacrificed everything for their sake. How can I doubt the blessedness and value of submitting myself to the Lord? The Christian wife may have a husband; and it may be very painful and hard to bear all. Perhaps he makes nothing of you, and asks often what is unreasonable. But what will make the burden light, though felt? "Submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." I am to submit unto my husband as unto the Lord: let me only see the Lord in the matter, instead of his inconsiderateness and bad temper, and my path is plain. It is made a matter, not of mere duty, but of confidence in the Lord as above everything in His love, care, and government. This is what the Holy Ghost first starts with, and makes to be the basis of all the various instructions that He is about to bring forth. He begins with the grand truth, that the christian woman is entitled to submit to her husband as unto the Lord. So that it is not made a question simply of affection, which would be human: this is a most necessary thing as a natural element, but it would be true if a person were not a Christian at all. Neither is it a question of that which the husband expects, or of what I might think to be right. All these things belong to the region of proper feeling and morality. But the important thing is that God cannot be with a christian woman who walks in the habitual slighting of His ground for her in her relationship as a wife. He will not allow a Christian to walk merely on moral or conventional grounds. They may be right enough in their place, but, if I am a Christian, I have a higher calling; and then, no matter what may be the difficulty — even if the one to whom I owe my subjection be not a Christian — here comes in the blessed direction, "Submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." He entitles me to see Himself behind the person of the husband; and I have got to follow Him and to submit myself to Him. In this thought there would be great comfort for the christian wife who is ever so tried. But then the limit of the trial comes in — for there is a limit in every path — and it is this: that God never puts me in any circumstances where I am free to commit a sin. Therefore, supposing a husband were to command that which would be positively sinful, thence at once I learn that I am not bound, because I am told to submit to my husband, as unto the Lord. The Lord would never sanction what is sinful. He may put me through the sieve, and I may not at first understand the goodness or the need of it; but faith constantly finds its strength and guidance in the Lord's wisdom — in trusting Him, and not my wisdom in understanding Him. And you will find that we grow in wisdom by being content to take the place of having none. If my confidence is in His wisdom, I shall gather wisdom and grow in it. Our Lord was perfectly man; and although always perfect in every condition of life, yet the great mark of His perfectness lay in this — He was ever the dependent One who looked up to God, and who could say, "Wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business?" There was at once for man the lowest, but in truth, the highest place. He understood the secret of His own relationship to God the Father. And although this was true of Christ as of none others, yet it is surely true of every believer in measure.

But we have most carefully to watch ourselves in this matter. Wherever there is the smallest tendency to slip out of the path of submission, we have to search and see, if we are wise according to God. Nature never likes to be subject. And wherever there is a danger of pleading the truth of God for any act that might seem to be a want of submission to the authority of another, I have need to watch myself with greater jealousy than in any other thing. When we are found in a path where submission is the word, let us leave room to bring in the Lord. In order to give power and faith to our obedience, and a holy character to it, I should see that it is the Lord I am obeying, even while there is an earthly authority to which I am subjected. The blessed truth that the Lord was about to introduce begins to open to us. "For a husband is head of the wife, even as Christ is head of the Church: he is Saviour of the body." (Ver. 23.) In this we have an allusion to the near relationship, which is intended to show us how we ought to walk towards one another in this respect. Although He, and none but He, is the Saviour, there is no taking the Church or the saint out of the place of subjection, but expressly the reverse.

Particular relationships are considered from verse 22 to chapter 6:9. Wives are first addressed, for they are to specially manifest the lovely spirit of submission, as being subject to their own husbands. In so submitting they are submitting to the Lord, which makes submission an attitude of loving obedience to Him, rather than an irksome responsibility. It is God who tells the wife to submit, not the husband, who should pay more attention to what God tells him than to what God tells his wife.

God's order in creation made the husband to be head of the wife. This does not mean he is superior to the wife, but as the head he is responsible to supply the nourishment, guidance and encouragement the wife needs. Though the wife may make suggestions and express concerns that should be considered, yet the husband is responsible to make final decisions. This reference to headship leads the apostle immediately to speak of the marvelous relationship of Christ as the Head of the Church, of which Adam and Eve's marriage is a divinely intended picture. Not only is Christ the Head of the Church, the source of its nourishment and guidance, but He is the Savior of the body. His preserving, protecting salvation is a daily need of His body, the Church, just as a husband is not only head of his wife, but her protector also.

Let us briefly look at the relations of children and fathers, as well as of servants and masters. Here, obedience is the grand point pressed on the inferior in each case. As all saints are called to submit themselves one to another in the fear of Christ, and wives especially to their own husbands, subject to them in every thing, so children are to obey their parents in the Lord. (Ver. 1.) It is not that the Holy Ghost has not a suited and a serious word for their fathers; but, in general, how easy is the flow of a christian household where the young obey — above all, where they "obey in the Lord." Natural affection is sweet, and the lack of it is a sign of the perilous last days; but it is not enough; nor is conscience, all-important as it is in its place, an adequate guard, nor can it be a spring of power; but the Lord is. And how blessed, where duty is clothed with and absorbed in Him! This, and nothing less than this, is pressed by the Holy Ghost.

The Day of Christ will reveal the great things which were accomplished in secret prayer. But if other widows lived in pleasure, in self-indulgence then she is dead while she liveth, that is, dead to the spiritual things. For such there could be no honor, but dishonor. And if anyone did not provide for his own house, he denied the faith and was worse than an infidel, for an unbeliever generally recognizes this duty. Then we have divinely given regulations as to those who should be given relief by the church, and those who should be refused. Practical godliness is thus to be maintained in the house of God, and manifested in every way so as "to give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully."

Verse 4 tells us that "the city was large and spacious, but the people in it were few, and the houses were not rebuilt." Before this the Lord had reproved the people for saying, "The time has not come, the time that the Lord's house should be built" (Hag. 1:2), and he asked them, "Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, and this temple to lie in ruins? (v. 4). At that time the people neglected the house of God and concentrated on their own houses, Now the reverse was true. How sadly unbalanced we so easily become! Surely we should have true concern for the truth of the house of God, but in doing so, should we neglect our own house? Well does Paul remind Timothy that "if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (1 Tim. 5:8). How tragic was the condition of things in Judah at the time Isaiah wrote, "You number the houses of Jerusalem, and the houses you broke down to fortify the wall" (Isa. 22:10). Do we do anything similar? Because we want to fortify the wall of separation from the world, do we sacrifice the proper welfare of our own families for this cause? Can we be surprised that the enemy reproaches us for such inconsistency?