How do we honor an abusive parent?

The last six commandments deal with Israel's responsibilities toward others. Thus the fifth commandment is "Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you" (v.16). Ephesians 6:1 refers to this as "the first commandment with promise." Israel soon sadly failed in this, as is exampled in Absalom, son of David, who rebelled against his father and sought to kill him (2 Sam.17:1-4). His days were not long on the earth. It may be that a father is hard and cruel, but his children are still to honor him; a mother may be even irresponsible, but her children are to honor her that is, to show proper respect. Though this is not a legal commandment for believers today, yet Ephesians 6:1 shows it to be of moral importance still. Our motives are not to be those of submitting to legal demands, but of delighting to please God.

p123 [F Rowan] MY DEAR BROTHER, - As long as a child is of the household, actually in relationship with its parents, the duty of obedience remains. If a man is married, he begins a new house, and is the head of it, leaves his father and mother. But as long as he or she is of the house, obedience is the duty, as the relationship remains. "In the Lord" is the limit and character of the obedience. If I had a Jewish or heathen parent who commanded me to deny Christ, I could not do it. It is not "in the Lord." If the parent be merely unjust in ways, and no duty be compromised, I believe the part of children to be patience and casting themselves on the Lord. I can suppose a child engaged in a positive duty, which the parents in such case would have no right to cause the child to break through. "In the Lord" has nothing to do with the character of the parents, but the conduct of the child; otherwise it would absolve from all obedience the child of heathen or Jewish parents. The obedience is "in the Lord."

Verse 1. "Children, obey your parents," etc. In continuation of the series of particular exhortations, commenced in the foregoing chapter, believing children are now reminded of their duties towards their parents after the flesh. And here, as in the previous instances, the proposed motive and standard of their conduct is, the Name which they profess. Parents are to be honoured in the Lord, whether themselves believers or unbelievers. If partakers of their children's faith, this fact would add new joy to the observances of filial piety, and strengthen the existing bonds of natural relationship, but would create no additional obligation. In obeying his parent, the believing child. confesses God as the original Founder of all natural relationships, and who now, as the God of our salvation, calls on us to adorn His doctrine in all things. In the power of the new and risen life, we are to discharge with readiness, as to the Lord, those duties which continue to carry with them the sanction of His name. And so the will of a parent will be the law of an obedient child, so long as that will demands no sacrifice of a higher obedience. Conscience must ever be the rule of a believer's walk — a conscience lightened and stimulated by the Holy Ghost. Being made free from all men by the truth, which joins us to the Lord, We re-enter the natural relationships, in the power of redemption, to accept them and sustain them with a firmer constancy than natural feeling can supply. For we are to fill them for the Lord, and in His strength.

We are exhorted to obey our parents, not because it is natural, but because it is right. Thus, as in the previous instance of the marriage contract, grace lends its confirmatory sanction and support to what natural instinct has begun. For to be void of filial affection, is to be something less than human. We are walking in the way of practical righteousness, when we faithfully acknowledge God in those relations which He has created for us, and in which His will has set us from our birth. The wisdom and moral necessity of such an injunction as the present verse contains, will be readily acknowledged by the sound-hearted. believer. For Satan is ever on the watch to prevent our adorning God's doctrine, by tempting our flesh to seek pretexts of escape from duties which are often onerous and trying, but which, nevertheless, present themselves in the plain path of Scriptural obedience. We have to watch on our parts against precisely the same baseness of nature, and the same sophistical self-deceptions, as called forth the Lord's denunciation in His day (Matt. 15). To make the word of God. of none effect, by dishonouring a smaller obligation in a pretended zeal for what is greater, is a snare of very common effect among professors of the faith of Christ. Restless natural energy, which is but a disguised. wilfulness, is well pleased to flatter itself to a persuasion that it is serving the Lord in some more eminent way, while evading or negligently fulfilling some nearer but less welcome warning of the Master's voice. And it is well to remember, that when Christian apostasy has grown to its full ripeness for the coming judgment, a form of godliness will disguise the deep wickedness of those who, along with other marks of reprobation, are denounced by the Spirit as "disobedient to parents" (2 Tim. 3:2).

That there may be no mistake, we may ask in a definite form, Is there any limit to the obedience which a parent may require from his children? We have already alluded to this; but the subject is so important that it seems advisable to enter upon it more fully. The words, then, "in the Lord," and "well pleasing in the Lord," define, as we judge, both the nature and the limit of children's obedience to their parents; that is, in the first place, obedience never acquires its proper character unless the Lord Himself is the object before the mind. It must be done as unto Him — unto Him who gives both the parents and the children their relative positions. In the second place, unless the action required can be done in the Lord, it is not binding. If a command be given by a parent to a child which cannot be obeyed with a good conscience before the Lord, then it is not of force in His presence. This principle is constantly affirmed in the Scriptures. Thus we are enjoined to "be subject unto the powers that be;" but when Nebuchadnezzar commanded Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to fall down and worship the golden image which he had set up in the plain of Dura, they replied, "We will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up. (Dan. 3:14-18.) Peter and John also, when forbidden to speak at all, or teach in the name of Jesus, answered, "Whether it be right in the sight of God to hearken unto you more than unto God, judge ye." (Acts 4:18-19.) While therefore God confers authority upon men in the different relationships of life, He never abdicates His own, or suffers any human claim to limit His own supremacy. The Lord Jesus thus said, "He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me." (Matt. 10:37; see also Luke 14:26.)

Children, then, are to be in complete subjection to their parents, except in the single case of their commands coming into conflict with the authority and claims of the Lord. Making this exception — and even emphasizing it — children must be very careful not to plead it in any doubtful cases: they should be very sure that there is opposition to the Lord's claims in the parental command before they venture to refuse obedience; i.e. they must be assured that the reason for so grave and solemn a step springs from no fancies of their own, but from the conviction of what is due to the Lord. For it is He who has given their parents the place of supreme authority in the family, and hence it is only when it would be for His own glory that this authority may be disregarded. "Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord." It is not supposed in this injunction, inasmuch as the epistle is addressed to believers, that any command given by the parent could conflict with the Lord's authority; and the addition of the words, "for this is well pleasing unto the Lord," defines the circle of the extent and supremacy of parental authority, as we have just explained. We thus see that parents are absolute in their own circle — the circle described by God; but this circle is included within the larger one, over which the Lord Himself is supreme.

Obedience is urged on two grounds. First, "For this is right." (Eph. 6:1.) That is, God declares that obedience is a righteous thing to be rendered by children to their parents; that it is suited to the place of a parent to command, and to the place of a child to obey. Secondly, it is said, "For this is well pleasing in the Lord." Here children are reminded of their responsibility, and encouraged by the assurance of the Lord's approbation in their subject path. And the value God sets upon filial obedience may be gathered from His estimate of disobedience. Thus in the law we read, "Cursed be he that setteth light by his father or his mother." (Deut. 27:16; see also Exodus 21:17; Deut. 21:18-21; Proverbs 30:11, 17.) The apostle also stigmatises disobedience to parents as one of the characteristic signs of the perilous times of the last days (2 Tim. 3:1-2), and of great moral corruption. (Rom. 1:30.) And the slightest acquaintance with the facts of life will abundantly show that the first step in a downward career has often commenced with disobedience to parents. Write the histories of all the poor prodigal sons and daughters who, at the present moment, are seeking to satisfy their hunger with the "husks that the swine do eat," and it will be found that the root of all their temporal wretchedness may be traced back to self-will and insubjection in their paternal home.

Children are to obey their parents. Certainly the parents are responsible to guide and train the children properly, for children need proper discipline. Whether the discipline is always perfectly fair or not, still the child is to obey. Let the child always be reminded that the Lord is well pleased with their obedience. There may be very unusual circumstances in which a parent requires something morally wrong from a child, as for instance, stealing or cheating, or worshiping an idol. This would be a plain exception, in which case the child should firmly, but not defiantly, refuse to obey the parent. Ephesians 6:1 reads, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord," So the child should always obey unless he is required to disobey the Lord.

Following the divine instructions for husband and wife, and the precious revelation of the truth of the relation of the church to Christ, comes the exhortations to children and fathers. Children are to obey their parents in the Lord because it is the right thing to do; parental authority having been ordained of God from the beginning and commanded in the law. Obedience in the Lord supposes that no command from the parents is contrary to the Lord's will, but is rather the expression of His will for the child. We live in a day when honour to parents is not the rule in the world, and such a state emphasises the privilege belonging to the children of Christian households of adorning the doctrine of God our Saviour in showing the honour becoming to parents. Under the law, a promise of well-being and long life accompanied this commandment; how much greater then will be the divine blessing, under grace, for those who obey. Fathers are to be watchful lest they provoke their children to anger. Much harm has been done to children by overbearing fathers enforcing their own wills and not the Lord's, and by rash and harsh judgments. Children require careful and prayerful handling, which casts the parents upon the Lord, that His discipline and admonition, with its wisdom, grace, and kindness might be ministered to them.

Ham's brothers, Shem and Japheth, at least showed the respect that was due to their parent, by going backwards into the tent and covering their father. Whether it is a question of parental authority or of governmental authority, the same principle holds true, proper respect will seek to cover failure rather than to expose it. But it must be emphasized that this is in cases of failure, not in cases of wicked abuse of authority. Even in such cases, however, a believer is not given permission by God to fight against government.

Verse 9 deals with sin against parents, who should be recognized with at least serious respect, apart from the question of their reliability. Even if they were unfair, this gave no right to the children to curse them. The ten commandments had said to honor father and mother. Therefore, cursing (speaking evil of) parents was to be punished with death.

Being Himself sinless, the lord Jesus would know better than we what their mistakes were. Did He answer back, or seek to correct them? No! He was submissive whether He was treated fairly or not. If this was so with Him, how much more so should it be with children who themselves have sinful hearts? Of course, if parents would demand that a child should plainly dishonour God, the child then should remember that his submission to God comes first.

Even then, he must not be defiant of his parents; but speak kindly to indicate that he has a conscience toward God. Ephesians 6:1-2 is a passage to be taken deeply to heart: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honour your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise."