How can an unmarried person relieve sexual tension in a non-sinful way?

Sexual desire may become very strong so the requirement to live in this way may be considered a hard imposition. In such a case it is helpful if the young Christian concerned talks confidentially to a mature Christian of the same sex or a couple to find the help, support and prayer he or she needs. Beware of any ‘alternative solution’ (masturbation, pornography, films, etc.)! This will only make you unhappy and increase your burdens, and it will bring you into spiritual free fall. ‘For the rest, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are noble, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are amiable, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if any praise, think on these things’ (Phil. 4:8).

The unmarried Christian and sexuality

We are dealing here with a problem that only exists for an unmarried believer in this form: a life of sexual purity and abstinence. Of course, all Christians are called to a life of (sexual) purity, but for the married Christian this means being faithful to his or her marriage partner and to have sexual intercourse only with her or him, whereas for someone who is unmarried it means a life of permanent sexual abstinence. In a completely sexualised society this can be a hard thing for a teenage Christian, but it may not be much easier for a 30-year-old unmarried Christian either.

In today’s society self-denial is seen as a negative idea. The view most people around us take today is that you have a right to live out all your wishes and desires. But the life of a Christian is often connected with sacrifice. In a Christian marriage each partner makes sacrifices out of love. Living out your desires in an egoistic way is unthinkable in this context. Therefore, the unmarried believer should be willing to deny himself or herself in order to live a life of sexual abstinence for the Lord’s sake and His honour.

The world is consumed with fleshly "lusts" or "desires," and consequently, given over to the gratification of those desires. The Christian has other desires of a spiritual sort which proceed not from the flesh at all, and the only way to foster these is to abstain from the desires of the flesh. This is a very personal matter.

But there are snares through nature as it is; and nowhere was there reason to fear more from the habits and associations of the place than at Corinth. Heathenism in some cases consecrated fornication. Because of the licentious ways, there and then of the commonest occurrence but at all times a danger, let each have his own wife, and each have her own husband. Mutual consideration to the last degree becomes both in a relationship where they that were two are no longer so but one. Grace, if it lift above nature in certain cases for the Lord's glory, enforces the honour and duties of those who are in a natural relationship. It is the sure mark of the enemy, where grace is perverted to put contempt on the least or lowest ordering of God. If we are in the relationship, we are bound to be true to its claims. Hence the husband was to pay her due to the wife, and in like manner the wife to the husband. The married estate is inconsistent with independence of each other in all that pertains to it. The wife has not authority over her own body, but the husband; and in like manner also the husband has not authority over his own body, but the wife. Hence they were not to defraud or wrongfully deprive one another, unless by consent for a time, that they might be free for prayer and again be together, lest Satan should tempt them for their incontinency. The law made nothing perfect. Christ vindicated God's mind and will as to the first man, but Himself was the manifestation of God in man. So does the apostle speak of marriage in words far above the thoughts and ways of Israel. What is first was never so fully stated before; but grace, as ever, presents a better thing.

"But this I say by way of permission, not by way of command. Now I wish all men to be even as myself; but each has his own gift of God, one this way, and another that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows: It is good for them that they remain even as I. But if they have not self-control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn." (Vers. 6-9.) Thus did the Holy Spirit lead the large-hearted apostle to write, in what he had laid down, declaring that it was not as a commandment, but a permission. His own wish for others was that all should be even as himself. But he does not overlook that each has as God gives him. Hence to the unmarried and to widows he says, it is good for them to remain even as he; yet even then not absolutely, but only in case they can without fear of sinning in this respect.

But while there is a simple severity of truth which faith acknowledges, and to the practical attainment of which it both may and is encouraged to aspire, the provisions of divine grace are designed to meet the infirmity of the flesh, as well as to satisfy the desires of the Spirit. He who has called us to the fellowship of His Son, yet considers our frame, and remembers that we still are dust;6 and while refusing any countenance to sin, provides honourably for the need of those who, with a clear perception of their standing, and a full acceptance of the apostle's dictum as a maxim of true spiritual wisdom, find celibacy a burden both difficult and dangerous to bear. Accordingly the express sanction of Christian marriage, declared in the following verse, is administered as a corrective of a known and still existing evil in the Church.

Verses 8, 9. "I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry," etc. Giving still its due precedence to a single life, he acknowledges in all a common and sacred right of choice, while on some he enjoins, as an escape from spiritual danger, a course which, for its own sake merely, he would rather have them shun; for fretting desire is a hurtful soul disease. Godliness, with contentment, is great gain; without it godliness itself becomes endangered. A man must be his own judge in this matter. Marriage is honourable if he choose it; but his choice will bring its consequences. Can he live single with an unrepining heart? By all means let him do so; for the present calling of God is not to vineyards and oliveyards, or temporal happiness or opulence of any kind, but to suffer for awhile with Christ, and then to reign with Him. The fewer natural claims a Christian has upon his time and energies, the freer will he be to follow with a single eye the Master whom he is allowed to serve.9 But let him know his proper gift, and aim no higher than God gives him strength to reach.

His own desire was that all men (believers of course) were as himself, unmarried. Certainly this was impossible of fulfilment, for everyone had his proper gift from God. If God had not himself fitted one for this, it would be a mistake for him to refuse to marry a wife God had brought to him. Paul's viewpoint certainly was a blessed one, but it is not the normal, usual path, and however we might admire it, this is not itself the power to follow it. We can fully agree that it is good to remain unmarried; yet even Paul himself advises that if the natural instinct and desire for marriage were strong within one, it is better to marry. "Forbidding to marry," he assures us elsewhere, is diabolical teaching (I Tim.4:1‑3).

The apostle had spoken of marriage, of the unmarried and of widows; he had been questioned also with respect to those who had never entered into any relationship with woman. On this point he had no commandment from the Lord. He could only give his judgment as one who had received mercy of the Lord to be faithful. It was good to remain in that condition, seeing what the world was and the difficulties of a christian life. If they were bound to a wife, let them not seek to be loosed. If free, they would do well to remain so. Thus if they married, they did well; not marrying, they did better. He who had not known a woman did not sin if he married, but he should have trouble after the flesh in his life here below. (It will be observed, that it is not the daughter of a Christian that is here spoken of, but his own personal condition.) If he stood firm, and had power over his own will, it was the better way; if he married, he still did well; if he did not marry, it was better. It was the same with a woman; and if the apostle said that according to his judgment it was better, he had the Spirit of God. His experience — if he had no commandment — had not been gained without the Spirit, but it was that of a man who could say (if any one had a right to say it) that he had the Spirit of God.

But one might stand with firmness of faith, having no necessity for marriage, having control over his own will, and purposing that he will maintain his virginity. This is the case of one making himself a eunuch for the kingdom of heaven's sake (Mt. 19:12). If it is not too common, yet it is blessedly commendable.

But one might stand with firmness of faith, having no necessity for marriage, having control over his own will, and purposing that he will maintain his virginity. This is the case of one making himself a eunuch for the kingdom of heaven's sake (Mt. 19:12). If it is not too common, yet it is blessedly commendable.