What does the Bible say about parenting?

Fathers are next addressed. "Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Discipline is necessary, and cannot safely be dispensed with (does our Father train us without it?) but it must be wise to be good. It is unhappy to alienate the affections of the children by unnecessary rigour; parental influence is thus lost, and not easily regained. Faith regards the family as a precious charge from the Lord, and delights to lay hold of the word, "train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Prov. 22:6). Is not Timothy a bright example, and encouragement to faith (2 Tim. 3:15)?

(1.) It is somewhat remarkable that the first exhortation is, "But, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath." So also in Colossians: "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger." (Col. 3:21.) It is not exactly the same word, though the meaning is not very different. This will be at once understood when it is perceived that this exhortation follows upon the call to children to obey their parents. Fathers are placed in almost absolute authority; and hence the first thing the Spirit of God does in turning to parents is to admonish them as to the manner in which they should exercise their authority. Knowing what the flesh is, even in a Christian, and how apt we are to be tyrannical and despotic in the place in which God has set us, He, in tender consideration for those who are put in the subject position, says, "Provoke not your children to wrath." Parents have almost unlimited control (limited only by the words added to the injunction, "in the Lord") over their children, but they are hereby warned that they must be careful before God as to the method of their government. They must consider the feelings of their children, and while they must never abate one jot or tittle of what is due to the Lord, they must remember their weakness; not lay upon them more than they can bear lest they might be discouraged. A more striking illustration of God's tenderness for children could scarcely be conceived-a tenderness which was exemplified again and again by our blessed Lord while down here upon the earth-than is expressed in this special injunction to parents. And we all know, how apt we are to be capricious or harsh in our rule; and hence our need of this reminder. let every parent therefore remember, that if, on the one hand, God has given him the rule over his family, on the other He has carefully defined the character of its exercise; and that he is as responsible for the latter as for the former.

"Lest they should be discouraged." How easy to discourage children, and especially from the right ways of the Lord. With keen and tender susceptibilities, of quick observation and rapid detection of inconsistencies, harsh government might very soon undo years of patient teaching, and speedily mar the most industrious efforts to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Parents therefore cannot be too careful on this point; and it will aid them to be so if they remember that they derive their own position from divine appointment, and that their children are to be governed and trained for God.

(2,) "But bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." The words employed are most significant. More exactly, it is discipline and admonition. Discipline will apply rather to the whole course of training or education; admonition implies constant watchfulness in order to warn against dangers, forgetfulness, or departure from the path into which they are being led. Nor should the exact meaning of "bring them up" pass unnoticed. It is to rear; and hence goes back, in regard to children, to earliest infancy. It is important to notice this, because many parents fall into the mistake of supposing that they must wait for their children's conversion before they seek to carry out this injunction; and hence the sad spectacle is often presented of Christian parents permitting their children all kinds of worldly ways, dress, and amusements, under the plea that they are not yet the Lord's. This is to miss the whole point of the teaching of these scriptures, as well as to forget the special place into which the children of believers are brought. The Spirit of God does not say, Wait and pray for your children's conversion; but He says, Rear them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. You are thus to take God at His word, counting upon Him for the blessing contained in the promise, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Prov. 22:6)

(a) They are to be brought up in the nurture (discipline) of the Lord. This word points to education, and teaches how the believer should educate his children. The first obligation of the believer is thus to teach his children that they are under the Lord's government, that they are to be reared and trained in His discipline, and thus to be shown their direct and individual responsibility.*

We may, first of all, point out the fact that a special blessing rested on Abraham, because of his fidelity to God, in the government of his family. "For," said the Lord, "I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him." (Gen. 18:19. See the context.) We may also allude to the disorders in the family of Jacob, and their obvious cause. And then, passing on to the book of Deuteronomy, we have direct exhortations: "And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." (Deut. 6:6-7. Compare Deut. 4:9, and Deut. 11:19.) The warning example of Eli enforces the same lesson: "For I have told him," said God to Samuel, respecting the aged priest, "that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not," or, as it is in the margin, "he frowned not upon them," i.e. did not enforce his parental authority. (1 Sam. 3:13.) David affords another conspicuous example of family misrule. A few direct instructions may be added: "For He established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which He commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children; that the generation to come might know them, even the children that should be born, who should arise and declare them to their children, that they might set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God. but keep His commandments; and might not be as their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation; a generation that set not their heart aright, and whose spirit was not steadfast with God." (Ps. 78:5-8.) In the Proverbs of Solomon are also many admonitions as to the treatment of children: "Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying." (Prov. 19:18.) "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell." (Prov. 23:13-14.) One more: "Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest: yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul." (Prov. 29:17.) We pass now to the New Testament: "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (Eph. 6:4.) "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." (Col. 3:21.)

Following the divine instructions for husband and wife, and the precious revelation of the truth of the relation of the church to Christ, comes the exhortations to children and fathers. Children are to obey their parents in the Lord because it is the right thing to do; parental authority having been ordained of God from the beginning and commanded in the law. Obedience in the Lord supposes that no command from the parents is contrary to the Lord's will, but is rather the expression of His will for the child. We live in a day when honour to parents is not the rule in the world, and such a state emphasises the privilege belonging to the children of Christian households of adorning the doctrine of God our Saviour in showing the honour becoming to parents. Under the law, a promise of well-being and long life accompanied this commandment; how much greater then will be the divine blessing, under grace, for those who obey. Fathers are to be watchful lest they provoke their children to anger. Much harm has been done to children by overbearing fathers enforcing their own wills and not the Lord's, and by rash and harsh judgments. Children require careful and prayerful handling, which casts the parents upon the Lord, that His discipline and admonition, with its wisdom, grace, and kindness might be ministered to them.

{"And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath; but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (Eph. 6:4.) There is great danger of provoking our children to wrath by inordinate strictness and arbitrary treatment. We may constantly find ourselves seeking to mould and fashion our children according to our own tastes and peculiarities, rather than to "bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." This is a very great mistake, and will surely issue in failure and confusion. We shall gain nothing, in the way of testimony for Christ, by moulding and fashioning nature into the most exquisite shapes. Moreover, it does not require faith to train and cultivate nature; but it does require it to bring up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Passing by the lamentable occurrences in the families of some of the patriarchs - as, for example, in that of Isaac and Jacob - we may ponder, first of all, upon the exhortations given by Moses to Jewish fathers: "And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." (Deut. 6:6-7.) The simplest can understand the teaching of this scripture, and it will suffice therefore to point out its main features. First, then, the word taught must be in the heart of the parent; he must possess and love it; for indeed none can teach anything of which they have not themselves felt the power. Secondly, the responsibility is personal, and cannot be abdicated: the parent himself must be the instructor. Thirdly, he must exercise diligence, and seize every passing opportunity, in order to impress God's word upon the hearts of his children. It is therefore not too much to say that this responsibility is paramount to any other - such as any, for example, which might affect the path and welfare of his children in this world.

When the children of Israel, moreover, had crossed the Jordan, and had encamped in Gilgal, Joshua provided, in connection with the pitching of the twelve stones taken out of the bed of the Jordan, for the instruction of the children in the divine significance of the act. It is not too much to say that the children were never lost sight of in any important act or ceremony in connection with the congregation of Israel. Examples of this may be gleaned from every part of Scripture. (See Joshua 8:35; 2 Chronicles 20:13, etc. etc.) And that all this was in accordance with the mind of God may be seen from a remarkable passage in one of the psalms: "For He established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which He commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children: that the generation to come might know them, even the children which should be born; who should arise and declare them to their children: that they might set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God, but keep His commandments," etc. (Psalm 78:5-7.) These citations will be enough to make it plain that God placed the responsibility upon the Jewish parent of instructing his children in the knowledge of His word, His work, and His ways, to the end that the children's hope might also be in God. They were thus to teach with the confident expectation of the blessing of God upon their labours, as knowing that it was not His will that one of their little ones should perish.

A few of the warnings of Scripture will but fortify the above conclusions. The most solemn one is perhaps that of Eli; and it is all the more solemn from the fact that personally he was such a pious and devoted man. In all Scripture a more godly man than Eli could scarcely be discovered. The Lord, and the Lord's things, had the chief place in his heart; and yet, alas! weak in his affections, he utterly failed to maintain his parental (as well also as his priestly) authority. "His sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not"; and his failure, all the greater from the position he occupied as the high-priest, brought down upon him the sure and swift judgment of God. Samuel seems to have failed in the same way, for the complaint of the children of Israel was that his sons did not walk in his ways, and the Spirit of God records that they did not. (1 Samuel 8:3.) But this, it may be said, was due to their own perversity. True that they were perverse; still the Scripture says, "Train up a child in the way he shall go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it." If, therefore, the children of godly parents do not follow them in their walk, it is because they have not been trained up in the way they should go, whatever diligent efforts may have been put forth to this end. There could not be failure on God's side.

Passing over the disorders which sprang up in David's family, disorders which constitute a very solemn warning for all parents, we come now to the positive exhortation given to fathers by the apostle. It is remarkable that, both in Ephesians and Colossians, he should begin by urging them not to provoke their children to anger.* From this we learn, in the first place, the tender solicitude of God for the children of His people. He would have their parents to remember and to consider their weakness, the quickness and impatience of the flesh, and thus to avoid vexing and irritating restrictions and directions which might indispose them to listen to godly teaching and counsel. For it should never be forgotten that children, as well as saints, even if in another way, need to be in a collected and calm state of mind to receive divine instructions. This will help us to understand that the conduct of parents, even in the maintenance of authority in their household, should be governed by their responsibility to bring them up for the Lord. What dependence, what wisdom, and what watchful care are thus required! For, indeed, the family is the vineyard which Christian parents have to keep, and which they dare not, if they would be faithful to God, neglect in order to attend to any other vineyard.

The subjection of children to their parents is part of God's order as seen in nature; and under the law a special blessing was attached to the ohservance of the commandment in which this duty was enjoined. Christianity takes up the obligation, but transplants it from natural to divine ground. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and thy mother; which is the first commandment with promise; that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth." (Chap. 6:1-3.) Thus the obligation of children, as of wives, is connected with "the Lord." It is not merely the dictate of nature, though perfectly right, but the acknowledgment of the Lord's claims as represented in the parents. The blessed Lord Himself, who "learned obedience," was the beautiful example of this. Of Him in His lifetime it is recorded that He went with His parents "to Nazareth, and was subject unto them." The law is not here introduced as showing that believers are under it, but as proving the special value which God attached to this duty, so as even to depart from the ordinary character of law, by coupling it with a promise which makes known the connection between this duty and earthly blessing.

But the duty is not one-sided. The apostle adds, "And ye, fathers, provoke not your children to wrath but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (v. 4.) Both parents are to be obeyed, but this admonition is addressed only to the fathers. This may be partly because fathers are more likely to err in the provoking of their children to wrath than mothers; but the principal reason is that the father, as the head of the house, is responsible to God for the bringing up of the children, and he is treated on the ground of this responsibility. This principle, as seen in Eli's case, runs throughout Scripture. It is all the more solemn because under Christianity the children are already holy, as belonging to the house of God; and the obligation is therefore the greater to "bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." The Israelites were holy by birth - not personally, but as belonging to a nation set apart to God - and therefore the fathers were to instruct the children in the law, their then link with God. So Christian parents are to instruct their children as to what becomes the holy character which attaches to them as members of a Christian family.

Children are to obey their parents in the Lord. And the fathers are not to provoke the children to wrath, "but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." And how much wisdom this takes! Parents must show constantly to the children the love and patience of Christ and bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Then the promise will be made good. "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house" (Acts 16:31).

To the fathers is the admonition (more needed by such than the mothers, perhaps, though in principle no doubt intended for both), "Provoke not your children to wrath; but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (Ver. 4.) What knowledge of the heart of both old and young! What tender consideration, after the pressure of obedience, lest a too stringent and capricious use of the parental authority might exasperate! The bringing them up, or nourishing, is, on the other hand, to be with the Lord's discipline and admonition. As the Christian knows His ways, as they are in exercise toward himself and others, so is he to train up his children for Him — an all-important principle for the parent's own heart and conscience. Do we desire the Lord alone for them, or the world too?

The children of believers are, of course, naturally like other children. The nature we can impart is the old, and not the new: to have this, they must be born again, as all must. Nor does it follow necessarily, as we know, that because a man is saved his house must be. But if with faith in God there be faithfulness in the place in which God has put us, He has promised, "Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Here is the thing, no doubt, which tests us; for it is not our words only that have fruit in this way; it is the combined influence of our words and ways. That three days' remove from Egypt, if really taken, will have immense effect. And that we have come out to keep a feast to the Lord will give the positive side, without which separation from the world becomes a mere cold and hard asceticism.