What does the Bible say about disciplining children?

"Lest they should be discouraged." How easy to discourage children, and especially from the right ways of the Lord. With keen and tender susceptibilities, of quick observation and rapid detection of inconsistencies, harsh government might very soon undo years of patient teaching, and speedily mar the most industrious efforts to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Parents therefore cannot be too careful on this point; and it will aid them to be so if they remember that they derive their own position from divine appointment, and that their children are to be governed and trained for God.

(2,) "But bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." The words employed are most significant. More exactly, it is discipline and admonition. Discipline will apply rather to the whole course of training or education; admonition implies constant watchfulness in order to warn against dangers, forgetfulness, or departure from the path into which they are being led. Nor should the exact meaning of "bring them up" pass unnoticed. It is to rear; and hence goes back, in regard to children, to earliest infancy. It is important to notice this, because many parents fall into the mistake of supposing that they must wait for their children's conversion before they seek to carry out this injunction; and hence the sad spectacle is often presented of Christian parents permitting their children all kinds of worldly ways, dress, and amusements, under the plea that they are not yet the Lord's. This is to miss the whole point of the teaching of these scriptures, as well as to forget the special place into which the children of believers are brought. The Spirit of God does not say, Wait and pray for your children's conversion; but He says, Rear them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. You are thus to take God at His word, counting upon Him for the blessing contained in the promise, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Prov. 22:6)

All this, indeed, lies in the words, "the discipline of the Lord." The primary meaning of the word is "training, teaching, or education," but it is the Lord's training and teaching which have to be administered. The simple statement of the fact throws a new light upon the families of Christians. What earnestness and zeal are often manifested to provide for a child's vocation in this world, and the anxiety for the child's success is often a burden upon many a parent's heart. And it is quite admitted that our children must be trained for some calling to enable them to pass through this world; but the chief end of a parent's stewardship is to train them up for the lord. If the Lord be thus exalted in the education of the children, His favour will rest both upon them and upon their parents, and He will be with the parents to sustain them in their object, and to subdue the hearts of the children to His blessed will. But, as with the Jewish parent so with the Christian, there must be diligence in this work. Every opportunity must be employed - "When thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up" - to impress upon them the blessed character of their relationship to the Lord, and of their subjection to His gracious government and authority.

Then, moreover, there is also the "admonition" of the Lord. Two or three thoughts lie in this word: it includes reminding, warning, and perhaps advising. We all know how prone children (and we ourselves also) are to forget what is due to the Lord. A seasonable reminder will often in such a case check the beginning of a course of disobedience; and then, if there be the least sign of stubbornness, warning will find its proper place, coupled with earnest advice. But it must ever be recollected that the reminder, the warning, and the advice must not spring from human counsels of prudence, but from the Lord. It is HIS admonition. His word, therefore, must be often in requisition for such an education, and hence, also, the children will need to be constantly under the parents' supervision and care. The temptation may be to say that such a standard is too high; but it cannot be, if it is the Lord's own standard. That many of us may have to own our failures as we read these lines is more than probable; yet let us not doubt that if we humbly own it, and seek grace from the Lord Himself, He will strengthen us for our responsibility, sustain us daily in meeting it, and bless His discipline and admonition to the eternal welfare of our children.

But does all this touch, in the most remote way, the solemn responsibility of Christian parents to teach and train their children, diligently and faithfully, from their earliest moments? Most certainly not. Woe be to the parents who, on any plea or on any ground whatsoever, be it one-sided theology, misapplied scripture, or anything else, deny their responsibility, or neglect their plain, bounden duty, in this holy business. True, we cannot make our children Christians; and we ought not to make them formalists or hypocrites. But we are not called to make them anything. We are simply called to do our duty by them, and leave results to God. We are instructed and commanded to bring up our children "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." When is this "bringing up" to commence? When are we to begin the sacred work of training our little ones? Surely at the beginning. The very moment we enter upon a relationship, we enter also upon the responsibility which that relationship entails. We cannot deny this. We cannot shake it off. We may neglect it, and have to reap the sad consequences of our neglect, in various ways. It is a very serious thing to stand in the sacred relationship of a parent — very interesting and very delightful, no doubt; but most serious because of the responsibility involved. True it is, blessed be God, His grace is sufficient for us, in this, as in all beside; and "If any man lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally, and upbraids not; and it shall be given him." "We are not sufficient of ourselves," in this weighty matter, to think or to do anything, as ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God; and He will meet our every need. We have simply to draw upon Him, for exigency of every hour.

(V. 4). Parents are not to bring up their children on the principle of law which might lead them to say to the child, “If you are not good, God will punish you”; nor are they to bring them up on the principles of the world which have no reference to God. If they are trained simply with worldly motives, to fit them for the world, we must not be surprised if they drift into the world. Moreover, parents are to be careful not to irritate and repel their children, and thus destroy their influence for good by losing their affection. Only will their affections be retained, and the children kept from the world, as they are brought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. They are to be trained as for the Lord, and as the Lord would bring them up.

Fathers are next addressed. "Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Discipline is necessary, and cannot safely be dispensed with (does our Father train us without it?) but it must be wise to be good. It is unhappy to alienate the affections of the children by unnecessary rigour; parental influence is thus lost, and not easily regained. Faith regards the family as a precious charge from the Lord, and delights to lay hold of the word, "train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Prov. 22:6). Is not Timothy a bright example, and encouragement to faith (2 Tim. 3:15)?

Secondly, while the Scriptures will be the primary source of instruction, they will also guide as to the character of the education to be imparted in other directions. This is often a most perplexing question with Christian parents; but if it be ever remembered that they have to train their children for the Lord, the difficulty will to a large extent be removed. They will then see, that all the instruction imparted must keep this one object in view; and they will carefully guard them from being taught anything which may not be necessary in their path through the world, and which would be inconsistent with their being the Lord's servants. This is a principle of easy application. Is the thing proposed to be taught to fit my child for the Lord, or for the world? So also in the selection of books for their reading. The object of their education, as laid down in the Word, being kept in view, it is easily determined whether a book would contribute to or hinder that object. As in many other things, it is simply a question of a single eye; and to maintain this, we need to be constantly in the presence of God, judging ourselves and our ways.

(b) Admonition implies, as explained, the maintenance of careful supervision, so as to warn of dangers and to urge forward in the right way. And it is the admonition, as well as the nurture, of the Lord. Christian parents are therefore to speak in the name of the Lord; indeed their admonitions will be attended with more weight if the children are made to understand that their parents are acting for the Lord; that they are warned against this evil habit or that amusement, not from any parental caprice, but solely because in either case it would be displeasing to the Lord. Divine sanction would be thus stamped upon the parent's warning words, and the children themselves thus brought into the divine presence. And parents must take no lower ground; and taking this, they are at once preserved from either harshness of feeling, or the weakness of affection. The word of God being their guide, and the foundation of their government of their children, their mutual relationships will be strengthened, affections increased, and their authority conserved and respected. It is therefore of the last importance that the admonition should be conjoined with the nurture of the Lord. Eli, Samuel, David, and many others are examples of failure in this direction; the sad consequences of which pursued them to the end of their days.

Are we then to be continually chucking the reins and brandishing the rod? By no means. This would be to break the spirit of the child, instead of subduing his will. Where parental authority is thoroughly established, the reins may lie gently on the neck, and the rod be allowed to stand in the corner. The child should be taught, from his earliest hour, that the parent only wills his good, but the parent's will must be supreme. Nothing is simpler. A look is enough for a properly trained child. There is no need whatever to be continually hawking our authority; indeed nothing is more contemptible whether in a husband, a father, or a master. There is a quiet dignity about one who really possesses authority; whereas the spasmodic efforts of weakness only draw out contempt.

We have found, through many years of experience and careful observation, that the real secret of successful training lies in the proper adjustment of firmness and tenderness. If the parent, from the very beginning, establishes his authority, he may exercise as much tenderness as the most loving heart can desire or display. When the child is really made to feel that the reins and rod are under the direct control of sound judgement and true affection, and not of a sour temper and an arbitrary will, there will be little difficulty in training him.

But, ere we turn from the subject of domestic government, there is one special point to which we desire to call the attention of Christian parents — a point of the utmost possible moment, yet too much neglected amongst us, and that is the need of inculcating upon our children the duty of implicit obedience. This cannot be too strongly insisted upon, inasmuch as it not only affects the order and comfort of our households; but, what is infinitely more important, it concerns the glory of God, and the practical carrying out of His truth. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right." And again, "Children, obey your parents in all things; for this is well pleasing to the Lord." (Eph. 6; Col. 3.)

This is absolutely essential, and must be firmly insisted upon, from the very outset. The child must be taught to obey, from his earliest moments. He must be trained to submit himself to divinely appointed authority, and that, as the apostle puts it, "in all things." If this be not attended to from the very first, it will be found almost impossible to attend to it afterwards. If the will be allowed to act, it grows, with terrible rapidity, and each day's growth increases the difficulty of bringing it under control. Hence, the parent should begin at once, to establish his authority, on a basis of moral strength and firmness; and, when this is done, he may be as gentle and tender as the most loving heart could desire. We do not believe in sternness, harshness or severity. They are, by no means, necessary, and are generally the accompaniments of bad training and the proofs of bad temper. God has put into the parent's hand the reins of government, and the rod of authority; but it is not needful — if we may so express it — to be continually chucking the reins and brandishing the rod, which are the sure proofs of moral weakness. Whenever you hear a man continually talking about his authority, you may be sure his authority is not properly established. There is a quiet dignity about true moral power which is perfectly unmistakable.

Solemn passages these, Christian father! Are you going to degrade your own children to "bastards," by training them on the non-punishment principle? Prove that he is your son by — scourging him. It is thus God dealt with you and me. "He scourgeth every son whom He receiveth." And why? Because He loves us, and does love us; "For whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth." Does "scourging" look like "receiving"? or "chastening" like "loving"? Certainly not in any other relationship, but it is just that which characterises the love of the father for his son. First of all, it is true, came the Father's kisses of welcome; then the "BEST garment" then the ring and the sandals; then the fatted calf, and the music and dancing; and afterwards — the rod. The "rod" does not taste like the "kiss," but the same love that applied the kiss wields the rod. The love that spared not the only begotten Son, but laid the "chastisement of our peace upon Him," Who was the Holy and Spotless One, cannot spare our sinful flesh. Therefore it afflicts the flesh, in order to make the conscience to judge it, and the foolish heart, that had given way to it, return and cling the more closely to the love that applied the rod.

But it must be felt by the child, even whilst under the rod, that it is love that applies the rod. Children's eyes perceive very quickly, and their young hearts feel very acutely, even whilst under chastisement, whether love, or anger and passion, in the parent, applies the rod. In the latter case, the corrective implement will work anything but correction. Wrath provokes wrath. "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." In such a case, every stroke of the rod will drive the precious object of parental chastisement farther and farther away, and alienate his poor heart from the parent, instead of drawing him nearer to you, as in the case of the chastened boy mentioned above. It is not thus God deals with us, His children, beloved. How important, to learn of Him, Who "is Light" (i.e., "Holy, Holy, Holy,") and Who "is Love," how to show firmness and authority in season, and love in season. And how important, therefore, for a parent, before applying the rod of correction, to look up with an humbled and chastened spirit, before he applies the chastening rod, and ask God, Who giveth liberally and upbraideth not, for the needed wisdom and grace, and that His Spirit of love and of discretion may guide, for His own glory, the father's hand, in applying the bitter rod of correction.

We cannot understand how anyone calling himself a Christian parent can adopt a system of harsh and cruel treatment towards his children. It can only result in making them liars and infidels. They will tell lies to escape the strap. They will despise the religion which stands connected with such inordinate severity. Such treatment as you describe is more worthy of a cruel slavemaster than of a Christian parent. There are cases in which some discipline is necessary, but it should be administered in such a way as to convince the child that it is only for his good and not the fruit of bad temper or of arbitrary severity. The rod should be most reluctantly lifted. It should be the very last resource. In short, the Christian parent should ever keep before him as his model his heavenly Father's dealings with himself. Does He inflict punishment for confessed sin? The thought is blasphemy. He only chastens in love, to make us partakers of His holiness. It grieves Him to have to use the rod. “His soul was grieved for the misery of Israel.” This should be the Christian parent's pattern.