Why are fathers told, "Do not provoke your children" (Colossians 3:21)?

Ephesians 6:4 reads: "And ye fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord." The Greek word for "Do not provoke" is one that is rarely used. The only other place we find it in the New Testament is in Romans 10:19. The noun formed from it is found in Ephesians 4:26, but nowhere else in the New Testament. There it means "Irritation". You have been irritated, and the Lord says: "Let not the sun go down on your irritation." Perhaps the exhortation to the fathers might be rendered: "Ye fathers, do not irritate your children." How easy it is to irritate them. The word is not as strong as to make them angry. Perhaps it includes the teasing that so often we are tempted to indulge in towards our children. Perhaps we think we have a right to do this, and that it is good for them. On the contrary, it is direct disobedience to the Word of God, and will most surely bring a harvest of sorrow. We are to "bring them up." The word translated in this way is used again in Ephesians 5:29; where we read that Christ 'nourishes' the church. We are not to "drive" the children, but "bring" them: and what a difference! We are to bring them up in the "nurture … of the Lord." This word translated 'nurture' literally means 'the rearing of a child.' We find it again in 2 Tim. 3:16, where it is translated "Instruction." There it is the Word of God, the Scriptures, which 'nurture', or 'instruct' us. In Heb. 12:5, 7, 8, 11, we find it again, translated this time: 'chastening.' This includes the disciplinary spankings and other punishments that we are responsible to give our children, and the Scripture tells us that at the time this "does not seem to be a matter of joy, but of grief; but afterwards yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those exercised by it." (Heb. 12:11, New Translation). We are disobeying the Lord when we do not chastise our children, but we have noticed this when speaking of Eli and his sons. But let us bear in mind that to bring our children up in the nurture of the Lord, chastisement is included. This word also includes training, learning, instruction, discipline: each one is most important for the child in its own way, and all included in "nurture." But there is another word. We are to bring them up in the "nurture and admonition of the Lord." The word admonition literally means "Putting in mind." Perhaps most children are forgetful, and part of their training is to put them in mind. What patience is needed for this. Perhaps the word also includes teaching, exhortation, and warning: surely not threatening. All these we must have, but all are to be "of the Lord". And let us remember, never are we to irritate them.

We get another little word for the fathers in Col. 3:21. It is only one line in my Greek Testament: but how much is found in that one line! "The fathers, do not stir up your children, in order that they may not be disheartened." The word for stir up (or, provoke) is found also in 2 Cor. 9:2; not elsewhere in the New Testament. God our Father is the God of all Encouragement, and we are not to do anything that will dishearten, or discourage, our children. Our character towards them is to be the same as our Father's character towards us: Encouragement. May the Lord Himself teach us how to do this according to His will: to imitate (literally: mimic) Him. Eph. 5:1.

What a word for the "Fathers" is this! How many sides to the child's character are affected: not only the danger of his losing heart, but it includes losing courage as well; and stirring up the child's temper, and that will of his that is so hard to control.

So with the fathers, they are not to provoke or vex their children. Discipline is necessary and good, but, if not itself controlled by love, it may easily become excessive and vexatious to the utter discouragement of the child.

V. 20. Children are to obey their parents in all things, not simply as well pleasing in the family circle, but as well-pleasing in the Lord. Walking in obedience they would exhibit something of the beautiful character of Christ, Who, in the days of His flesh was "subject" to His parents (Luke 2:51).

V. 21. Fathers are to beware lest they assert their authority in an arbitrary way, and thus estrange the child's affection by any unjust punishment; or dishearten the child by needless fault-finding. They are to seek to exhibit that perfect wisdom of Christ, Who knew how to correct His disciples while retaining their affections (Luke 22:24-30).

Then we have the relationship between children and their parents, the children being told that they are to obey their parents. This is a divine principle, still valid, and on this principle a great blessing of God has been placed. I would like to repeat this for children here, "Children, obey your parents". I know that this is different in our environment today, but in Christian families this principle should still apply. Then the fathers are told they are not to provoke their children. This is an important exhortation to fathers, we can provoke our children through carnal behaviour, when we want to demonstrate that we are the lord of the house, or we can provoke our children by exaggerating what we require of them, and we can also provoke them if we do not give them increasing liberty when they grow up and need to live a life of their own. So we can see that these two principles are so important in the Christian family, "seek the things above" and "put to death your members which are upon the earth".

(1.) It is somewhat remarkable that the first exhortation is, "But, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath." So also in Colossians: "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger." (Col. 3:21.) It is not exactly the same word, though the meaning is not very different. This will be at once understood when it is perceived that this exhortation follows upon the call to children to obey their parents. Fathers are placed in almost absolute authority; and hence the first thing the Spirit of God does in turning to parents is to admonish them as to the manner in which they should exercise their authority. Knowing what the flesh is, even in a Christian, and how apt we are to be tyrannical and despotic in the place in which God has set us, He, in tender consideration for those who are put in the subject position, says, "Provoke not your children to wrath." Parents have almost unlimited control (limited only by the words added to the injunction, "in the Lord") over their children, but they are hereby warned that they must be careful before God as to the method of their government. They must consider the feelings of their children, and while they must never abate one jot or tittle of what is due to the Lord, they must remember their weakness; not lay upon them more than they can bear lest they might be discouraged. A more striking illustration of God's tenderness for children could scarcely be conceived-a tenderness which was exemplified again and again by our blessed Lord while down here upon the earth-than is expressed in this special injunction to parents. And we all know, how apt we are to be capricious or harsh in our rule; and hence our need of this reminder. let every parent therefore remember, that if, on the one hand, God has given him the rule over his family, on the other He has carefully defined the character of its exercise; and that he is as responsible for the latter as for the former.

"Lest they should be discouraged." How easy to discourage children, and especially from the right ways of the Lord. With keen and tender susceptibilities, of quick observation and rapid detection of inconsistencies, harsh government might very soon undo years of patient teaching, and speedily mar the most industrious efforts to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Parents therefore cannot be too careful on this point; and it will aid them to be so if they remember that they derive their own position from divine appointment, and that their children are to be governed and trained for God.

(2,) "But bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." The words employed are most significant. More exactly, it is discipline and admonition. Discipline will apply rather to the whole course of training or education; admonition implies constant watchfulness in order to warn against dangers, forgetfulness, or departure from the path into which they are being led. Nor should the exact meaning of "bring them up" pass unnoticed. It is to rear; and hence goes back, in regard to children, to earliest infancy. It is important to notice this, because many parents fall into the mistake of supposing that they must wait for their children's conversion before they seek to carry out this injunction; and hence the sad spectacle is often presented of Christian parents permitting their children all kinds of worldly ways, dress, and amusements, under the plea that they are not yet the Lord's. This is to miss the whole point of the teaching of these scriptures, as well as to forget the special place into which the children of believers are brought. The Spirit of God does not say, Wait and pray for your children's conversion; but He says, Rear them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. You are thus to take God at His word, counting upon Him for the blessing contained in the promise, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Prov. 22:6)

‘And ye fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord’ (Eph. 6:4). God our Father is our perfect example: ‘And if ye invoke as Father him who, without regard of persons, judges according to the work of each, pass your time of sojourn in fear’ (1 Pet. 1:17). Fathers should be characterised by two things. Firstly, they should obtain rather than demand the respect of their families. If we tell our children how they should behave but fail to do this ourselves, we will lose their respect. They will say, ‘You do not practise what you preach.’ But this verse also speaks of invoking or calling on the name of the Father, which is to do with the second aspect of the relationship fathers should have with their children. We should maintain an atmosphere of trust and confidence so that they know they can come to us if they have a problem and talk about it. There are fathers who are very rigid so that their children are almost afraid of them — if they make a mistake they know that they are going to be in big trouble. If this is the atmosphere we maintain, they will never come to us because they will be afraid of our reaction. So, on the one hand there should be respect but on the other there should be trust and confidence.

Ephesians 6:4 also says that we should ‘not provoke’ our children ‘to anger’. There are three things that can contribute to this. Firstly, a selfish attitude. If we constantly demand things from our children by saying, ‘Do this quickly’ or ‘Bring me that now’, we virtually treat them as slaves. Such selfish behaviour can provoke and discourage them, as well as lead them to give up trying to please us. Secondly, an uncontrolled temper. If, after a hard day at work when everything seems to have gone wrong, our little boy does something silly at home and we explode, he does not know what has hit him. Why? Because he senses when he should be punished but in this case he asks himself, ‘What did I do wrong?’ He cannot understand why we reacted in this way. We should be mature enough to control our tempers. Thirdly, unreasonable expectations. We cannot expect a two-year-old to do what is normal for a five-year-old. She may try to do it but without success, which will lead her to become frustrated and provoke her to anger. In 1 John 2:12–28 we find three stages of spiritual growth among the children of God: fathers, young men and little children. John addresses them in different ways according to their maturity and experience so let us be wise and bring up our children according to their age and ability.

Ephesians 6:4 also tells us that it is the responsibility of fathers to bring up their children in the ‘discipline and admonition’ of the Lord. Some fathers leave the whole burden of this to their wives, but this is not according to Scripture. We have read the words ‘ye fathers’, so the challenge is: be a father and take responsibility for bringing up your children. There are two elements to this. Firstly, discipline,[1] which means to recognise a child’s wrongdoing and stop it. There are cases where fathers see their children doing something wrong and do nothing about it (an example of which we have in 1 Kings 1:6). Of course, different children have different personalities and we need to adjust our methods to take account of this, using the wisdom the Lord gives us. Secondly, admonition or exhortation, a completely different matter, which means showing our children the right and good way to act and helping them follow it. We need a balanced approach: some fathers emphasise discipline and forget admonition, while others only admonish and never act. But we also read that these things should be done in ‘the Lord’. He is our help, so we need to be dependent on Him.

Passing over the disorders which sprang up in David's family, disorders which constitute a very solemn warning for all parents, we come now to the positive exhortation given to fathers by the apostle. It is remarkable that, both in Ephesians and Colossians, he should begin by urging them not to provoke their children to anger.* From this we learn, in the first place, the tender solicitude of God for the children of His people. He would have their parents to remember and to consider their weakness, the quickness and impatience of the flesh, and thus to avoid vexing and irritating restrictions and directions which might indispose them to listen to godly teaching and counsel. For it should never be forgotten that children, as well as saints, even if in another way, need to be in a collected and calm state of mind to receive divine instructions. This will help us to understand that the conduct of parents, even in the maintenance of authority in their household, should be governed by their responsibility to bring them up for the Lord. What dependence, what wisdom, and what watchful care are thus required! For, indeed, the family is the vineyard which Christian parents have to keep, and which they dare not, if they would be faithful to God, neglect in order to attend to any other vineyard.

Fathers are to especially guard against being unfair or unduly hard or demanding. This might easily provoke a child to act badly and to be discouraged, so the discipline would fail to fulfill its proper objective, and would only result in the opposite behavior of what the father hoped. We know how easy it is for a father to make a snap judgment when his child has apparently done something wrong, and because he is angry, to punish the child severely. Then he may find out afterward that it was not as serious a matter as he thought, and he knows he has been unfair to the child. His only recourse then is to humbly apologize to his child for this. Let us never discipline in a fit of anger, but seek grace to calmly consider before the Lord what discipline is necessary. For it is true that discipline is sometimes required. The Lord said of Eli that he himself and his house would be judged by God because he had failed to discipline his sons (1 Sam.3:11-13). How often it has been true that children, in later years, have thanked their parents for disciplining them when they needed it! - while many others have sunk into crime and misery because they were never disciplined in youth.

Fathers, being in authority, are not to abuse that authority (v.4). It is too easily possible for a father's impatience with his children to lead to unfair treatment of them, and this is likely to provoke their anger. Let us rather have sober exercise to bring up children "in the discipline and admonition of the Lord" (JND), that is, as disciples under the gentle, firm authority of the Lord, being kindly and consistently reminded of His grace and truth.