What is the duty / role of a pastor's wife?

p154 Dear Miss Loudown, - Be assured you shall have my prayers, as I am sure you will of many other saints. And as I said to -, not only then but now, it is a serious position in which you are placed, not only, as it ever is, the influence that a wife exercises on a Christian, in danger (as the apostle teaches us) of caring for the things of the world to please his wife, but the rather in the case of a workman of the Lord, and who has been blessed as such. You may be blessed to your husband if God graciously leave you together in this poor world, as strengthening and comforting and encouraging him, and praying for him in the weariness and trials which accompany the service. But do not seek to relax his energy. A wife sometimes likes to have her husband for herself, and when her husband is the Lord's labourer, it is a great evil. I have known a wife spoil a labourer, and a husband as to herself too, in this way. A husband is bound to care for his wife, consider her, and do anything but neglect her: it is surely most evil and sad when he does. But the wife of a labourer for the Lord must put his work and labour before herself; or rather it should be herself too, and this can only be when she lives with and for the Lord. The world claims it, and officers' wives must take their chance, so to speak, and cannot help themselves; but sometimes we grudge so much to the Lord. But a wise wife who seeks first the Lord herself, puts Him first for her husband, and does not love him the less: it is a bond; and her husband will honour and value her, and so will the Lord too.

Another danger is where a wife likes to see her husband made much of - very natural; but I have seen labourers wholly spoiled by this - creating ill-feeling in his mind, because he had not the importance she thinks he ought to have, and irritating him against others. Let her honour him - all right - and minister to his service all she can, but remember he is the Lord's servant, and keep peacefully in her own place, not meddling with his relationship to his labour, or a rock amongst whom he may be, only helping as she may very much in it, and leaving it there. Women often see things or motives clearer than men; but if they act by insinuations or small means in these things, it is ruinous. Let them be with the Lord for themselves if their own pride is wounded (for it is their own) in their husband.

You may be blessed to your husband … as strengthening and comforting and encouraging him … in the weariness and trials which accompany the service. But do not seek to relax his energy. A wife sometimes likes to have her husband for herself, and when her husband is the Lord's labourer it is a great evil. I have known a wife spoil a labourer … in this way. A husband is bound to care for his wife, consider her, and do anything but neglect her … but the wife of a labourer for the Lord must put his work and labour before herself. … A wise wife who seeks first the Lord herself, puts Him first for her husband, and does not love him the less; it is a bond, and her husband will honour and value her, and so will the Lord.

But your privilege is to live with your husband as heirs together of the grace of life; and then all will be well even in a world of sorrow; and I can only trust you may find abundant communion with him and joy, and joy together in it. Make, and may he make, the Lord the first object, the real bond; and the rest will come. And remember, a labourer's wife (as indeed any) must be first with the Lord, and then not be curious about his labour, and all that passes; but his comfort and encouragement, his cheer in it, and sharer in his sorrows because she lives with the Lord.

This scene is so like the Lord. He ever loves to put His servants at rest at home, as well as to set them free to follow Him. It is sweet to think that He has His eye on the ofttimes solitary wife at home, with her cares and burdens, while the husband, called to labour in public, is frequently and necessarily away. Ye wives of evangelists, and other servants of the Lord, note how the Lord thinks of you!

Returning to 1 Timothy 3, it is instructive to notice, in the eighth verse, that the deacons were to be "grave, not double-tongued, not given to much wine, not greedy of filthy lucre; holding the mystery of the faith in a pure conscience. And let these also first be proved; then let them use the office of a deacon, being found blameless." There was to be care exercised in their choice. Then observe, "Even so must their wives be grave, not slanderers, sober, faithful in all things," because, you see, the wife of a deacon — a man who was going in and out of houses, necessarily occupied with family details, and circumstances, possibly finding out need in many houses, and ministering to that need — might be a most valuable helpmeet to him. She might be much more delicate and tender in her dealings with need and sorrow, even than her husband. One delights in the wisdom of God, in thus settling the place a woman may have, in connection with her husband's office. Again we find, "They were to be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well."

Women in the nearest relationship with them are not forgotten. They in like manner "must be grave, not slanderers, sober (temperate), faithful in all things." The duties of their husbands would give them opportunities of knowing much of a delicate nature; they were therefore to be both grave and not evil-speakers, sober or temperate, faithful in all things. None but such could help their husbands aright; those who were otherwise would not only hinder but lead to constant difficulty and scandal.

It will be noticed that the apostle speaks of the wives of deacons, and not those of bishops (except to say that these must be the husbands of one wife only). Bishops had a charge, in which they were occupied with souls and exercised authority in the church, in which women were not to act. Deacons were necessarily occupied with family details and circumstances. In these women might well be concerned and often very useful. In the spiritual cares of elders they had nothing to do. It was requisite therefore that the wives of deacons should possess qualities which would cause their husbands to be respected, and at the same time guard themselves from becoming busybodies and tale-bearers.

As in public ministry, so in the ruling of a local assembly, or the ordering of things in the Church, we gather women had no place. Of local charges there were two kinds — eldership and deaconship. Both elders and deacons were to be married men, husbands of one wife. The qualifications of an elder are stated in 1 Tim. 3, and the character of such as should be appointed to the office in Titus 1. In neither passage have we any mention of their wives; yet, when the qualifications of a deacon are enumerated in 1 Tim. 3, the fitting demeanour of their wives is described. Why this difference, this silence in the one case, and the mention of them in the other? Was it not because in ruling the Church the elders’ wives could not take part, but in the duties of a deacon, caring for the temporal wants of the saints, she could help her husband, and find herself quite at home in that work.

Again, we gather that many of the apostles were married men (1 Cor. 9), but we have no hint in either the Acts or the Epistles of anything their wives did. They were surely a comfort and help to their husbands as they laboured; but both apostles and elders were discharging duties in which they could not share.

As Paul suffered not a woman to teach, so none of the other apostles hint at any divergence from this order being allowed. At Corinth he corrected the evil, and we hear no more of it till we read the epistle to the angel of the church in Thyatira; none surely will make that example a precedent for such a thing now. At Corinth, and at Thyatira, such a custom was reproved, and disallowed. Shall the commandment of the Head of the Church be set at nought? Shall the injunctions of the apostle writing under the guidance of the Holy Ghost be unheeded? Private service in helping only the Word does not forbid. Priscilla with her husband helped Appollos. Amongst her own sex also, woman has a sphere. Only before men, and in the assembly, her place is to be kept, and God’s order to be conformed to.

As with public ministry, we also understand that women did not have a place in the administration of a local assembly or in the order of things in the assembly. There were two types of local responsibilities: elders (or overseers) and deacons. Elders (or overseers) and deacons had to be married men, husbands of one wife. It explicitly and exclusively mentions men in this context.

The qualifications of an elder are outlined in 1 Timothy 3, and the character of those who were to be appointed to this function in Titus 1. In none of these passages is there any mention of their wives; however, when the qualifications of a deacon are listed in 1 Timothy 3, the appropriate behavior of their wives is described. Why this difference: this silence in one case and the mention of them in the other? Was it not because the wives of elders could not participate in the administration of the assembly (even indirectly), but concerning deacons, their wives could assist their husbands in their tasks related to the temporal needs of the saints?

But there was one special feature which had to mark them and their wives. There were no instructions given as to the conduct of the wives of the overseers, for their work was on purely spiritual lines, but the deacons, having to do with secularities, such as the administration of funds, it was necessary that their wives, who might help them in their good work, should be women whose character would carry respect. The deacons had not to be double-tongued, saying first one thing to one and another thing to another: their wives had to be “grave, not slanderers, sober, faithful in all things.” One can understand what mischief and heart-burnings would result from the careless or insincere use of the tongue of the deacon or his wife.