What does it mean that husbands are to love their wives?

"Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered."-1 PETER 3:7.

THE duty of the husband is quite as simple as that of the wife. As hers is comprised in the word "obedience," his is contained in that of "love." The wife, if a direction sent to a special class be excepted (Titus 2:4), is never commanded to love her husband. It is taken for granted that she will do so; and, as a matter of fact, she seldom fails in this direction. Even though she may be unequally yoked — be united to one who has not the least sympathy with her holiest feelings, and receive little but unkindness, her love will survive the harshest treatment. Crushed and trodden under foot, it will spring up and greet the first display of kindness with a forgiving embrace. It is a perennial fountain. But with the husband it is often otherwise With fewer of the tender emotions, engrossed by his daily occupations, and exposed, it may be, to severer temptations, his danger is to forget his responsibility to love — or at least to manifest his love to — his chosen wife. Hence the Spirit of God recalls his responsibility to mind, and gives this injunction, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it; that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word," etc. (Eph. 5:25-33.)

(1.) Let us consider what is to be the character of the husband's love as here enjoined. "Husbands love your wives, even as Christ loved the church." It is a most wonderful standard; and no doubt here introduced because of the typical character of true marriage, because the primal marriage between Adam and Eve displayed, in figure, the union between Christ and the church. This should ever teach us the sanctity and real character of marriage before God. What then, we may enquire, was the character of Christ's love to the church? The answer is here given. First, He proved it by giving Himself for it (v. 25); and He gave Himself to death for it, and thereby in fact purchased His bride. "He gives Himself; it is not only His life, true as that is, but Himself. All that Christ was has been given, and given by Himself; it is the entire devotedness and giving of Himself. And now all that is in Him — His grace, His righteousness, His acceptance with the Father, His wisdom, the excellent glory of His person, the energy of divine love that can give itself — all is consecrated to the welfare of the assembly. There are no qualities, no excellencies in Christ, which are not ours in their exercise consequent on the gift of Himself. He has already given them, and consecrated them to the blessing of the assembly which He has given Himself to have. Not only are they given, but He has given them; His love has accomplished it." And this gift of Himself is greatly enhanced when we remember that it was upon the cross that this gift was consummated. Secondly, His love is displayed in His sanctifying and cleansing the church with the washing of water by the word. (v. 26.) This exhibition of love is a present thing, that which goes on now, and by which He suits it to Himself. "It is important to remark that Christ does not here sanctify the assembly to make it His own, but makes it His own to sanctify it. It is first His, then He suits it to Himself." The means is the word, the washing of water by the word, the truth taught in John 13 by the washing of the disciples' feet by the Lord. And there, it will be remembered, it is in connection with His love. "Having loved His own that were in the world, he loved them unto the end." The sanctifying and cleansing of the church is thus the expression of His abiding and unchanging love — love that finds its delight in making it morally suitable to Himself, and hence never wearies in watching over, tending, and preparing it for Himself. Thirdly, the fruit of His love is seen in the object He has before Him — "that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it might be holy and without blemish." This refers to the time when the Lord shall have returned to receive His church to Himself, or more exactly, to the period indicated when it is said, "The marriage of the Lamb is come" (Rev. 19:7), when the church as the bride is perfected in glory, "having the glory of God: and her light like unto a stone most Precious, even like a jasper stone, clear as crystal." (Rev. 21:11.) And never until then will the measure and extent of Christ's love for the church be apprehended, because then its effect and consummation will be displayed.

Husbands are to love their own wives with no less a standard than that of Christ's love for the Church (v.25). He gave Himself for it; not merely did He give many gifts, but Himself. If one is not willing to give himself for an intended wife, he ought not to marry her. Observe that all this section emphasizes that love seeks diligently the greatest good of its object, and at personal expense.

The Spirit applies it, "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself." He is now taking up the common instinct that men naturally avoid pain and take care of themselves. He is speaking only of the fact, and says, Look upon your wife as a part of yourself; and that anything that would wrong her is so much wrong done to your own body. It would teach you affectionate care, "for no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church:" a beautiful and sweet addition to the truth that was already brought out. All the rest had shown redemption, the present practical cleansing, the future glorification of the Church. But now he adds, that Christ "nourishes and cherishes it." There is the special entrance of His mind, His careful interest in those that belong to Him. It is a great comfort that we know this to be true in the present state of the Church, when we think of the ruin of all around. Does Christ ever cease to nourish that which belongs to Him? Impossible. Spite of all the ruin, He has the same care for His people. We never can pray too much for the Church; but it is another thing to be troubling our minds as if the Lord forgot her, and were not taking adequate care of the saints in their need and sorrow. The Lord has never failed; and what He here tells us to do in our earthly relationship is no more than what He perfectly does towards His Church. He loves the Church; He nourishes and cherishes it, and He does this because "we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones." Just as Eve was a part of Adam, so the Church is of Christ. The Lord took out of Adam's side that which He built into his wife. So we stand in this nearness of relationship to Christ.

The Christian husband, whose heart, during, perhaps, a cloudy and stormy day, has been pillowed on Christ's love, and sunning itself in the warmth of that love, does not, on his return, frown his wife into silence, submission, and obedience: but he loves her into it, and the only way he forces her into it is by his own example in submission and dependence upon Christ the Head, and obedience to His Word.

But Christ's love for the Church is not only shown by His cleansing her, but by His nourishing and cherishing her. And it is this part of His loving care in particular, which the Spirit of God here impresses upon the Christian husband's heart and conscience. If Christ's love, in cleansing the Church, has been set here before the Christian husband, it is not, that he should set to work and do the same with his wife, but that he may, in a general way, learn of our loving Head in glory to manifest his love towards his wife in his tender solicitude for her, as to everything that concerns her welfare. And why? Because "he that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh: but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as Christ the Church: for we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones." Therefore those words: "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies," refer to that which follows (in verse 29), rather than to what precedes in verses 26 and 27. There are not a few who show great willingness (I do not say expertness) for washing their wives' feet, but let them starve at the same time. If you do not know how to nourish and cherish, your wife, as your own body, you are not fit to wash her feet.

Husbands are not exhorted to rule, that not being a point where they are so likely to fail*, but to love. The wives are not addressed in this way: love with them is not so likely to be weak as submission. And what is set before the husband? "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it." This, when understood, lifts us above merely natural ground: divine love is our heavenly pattern. It is profitable to notice the different ways in which divine love is spoken of in the scriptures. In John's Gospel (John 3) we get God's love to the world, in John's epistle (1 John 3) the Father's love to the family. Here it is neither, but Christ's love to the church. It was that on which He set His heart when in the depths as the costly pearl: He would have her for His own, to share His throne and glory, to be the object of His affection for ever. To acquire her, He must give Himself (for the question of sin was there): could even divine love do more? He held not back even from the cross, for the joy that was set before Him; a part, at least, of which was to have the church as His own — His body and His bride.

The husband is not to demand of the wife this submission, which is her place. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. He stands in the Christian family as the representative of Christ and is called to love his wife. And how did Christ love the Church? He came from heaven's glory to be a servant. He served and is serving the Church. The husband's love towards the wife is to be expressed in loving service in her behalf and giving unto her, as unto the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7). Not the wife is to serve the husband, but the husband is to serve her in love, thus manifesting in a little measure the love of Christ for the Church. Beautiful is the description of the love of Christ for the Church. It is a love in the past: "He loved the Church and gave Himself for it." Thus there is a present love: "That He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the Word." Then there is His future love: "That He might present it to Himself a glorious Church not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish." it is the love which passeth knowledge, the love which never changeth; the love which is eternal. Equally blessed is the truth contained in verses 30-33. We are members of His body, and of His flesh and His bones.

In the first place, the husband is to practise his love in the form of entire self-surrender in order to secure his wife's highest welfare, for, “Christ also loved the church, and delivered Himself up for it.” The blessed Lord surrendered up Himself altogether, without reserve, to promote the best interests of His church. And this whole-hearted sacrifice to ensure the present blessing and future glory of the church of His choice is set up as the model for the husband's imitation.

We have said that self-love is to be the measure, in the aspect considered, of the husband's love for his wife; but it is remarkable how this also is connected with Christ, teaching us that in no human self-love, but only in the love of Christ for the church, can its true pattern and example be found. For, giving the other side, the apostle proceeds: "For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord* the church." The wife therefore being "one flesh" with him, he must nourish and cherish her, even as Christ the church. What heights and depths are contained in this comparison! showing indeed that the debt of love is never paid, but always owed. And yet that love delights to recognise it, and to be ever paying it, in lavishing care and tenderness upon her who has thus become one with him in the view of God.

(Vv. 28, 29). Having presented so blessedly the truth of Christ and the church, the Apostle returns to his practical exhortations. Men ought to love their wives as their own bodies, for so truly are they one that the husband can look at his wife as himself. As such, the man will delight to nourish his wife, meeting her every need, and cherish her as one that is very precious. Again the Apostle presents Christ, and His care for the church, as the perfect pattern for the husband's care for his wife. Not only has Christ died for us in the past, and is dealing with us in the present in view of eternity, but as we pass along our way, He watches over and cares for us, treating us as Himself. Because “we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones”, He could say to Saul of Tarsus, in the days when he was breathing out threatenings and slaughter against the saints, “Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou Me?” One has truly said, “A man's flesh is himself, and Christ takes care of Himself in taking care of the church.” Again, “Christ never fails, and there cannot be a want in Christ's church without there being an answer to it in Christ's heart.”

But, secondly, the husband's love should be manifested by a continual care for the well-being of his wife. This pleasant duty is impressed upon him by the present service of the love of Christ in sanctifying and cleansing the church with the washing of water by the word (ver. 26). Whatever the behaviour of the church towards her Lord, Christ is faithful and unremitting in the activities of His love that she may be purified from everything that is inconsistent with her new status as His chosen bride and the sharer of His coming glories.

Guided by the lofty standard of Christ's concern for His church, the husband studies to promote the welfare of his wife, as his own body (ver. 28). He helps her, first of all in her spiritual life, in the exercises of worship and prayer and service in the home. He lightens her labours in household affairs, shoulders her burdens of family responsibility, shields her from anxieties and fears, comforts her in hours of sorrow, and ministers help to her weakness without telling her so. Neither will he forget to note her acts of devotion to himself in response to his love, nor to praise her many excellences, as the scripture enjoins (Prov. 31:28-29) if he should be so negligent as to need this injunction.