What do I do with a rebellious child?

Ans.—First of all, “Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God... casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you” (1 Pet.5:6-7). It is discipline upon yourselves from Him; and this needs to be first of all acknowledged and bowed to. Ask Him also to show you why this is needed. Then show your son that they who refuse to submit to God, He finally casts into the outer darkness; those who refuse to submit to the government of any business [...] must go out of their employment; and, in the same way, those who desire to live with their parents must of necessity submit to the government of their parents; for a house without government is a house without salt; and a house without salt means corruption.

What an appalling scene! Next to the one in the wood of Ephraim, referred to at the end of the preceding chapter, there is hardly any of equal awfulness throughout the Old Testament. Parents, commanded by Jehovah Himself, Who "is Love" as He "is Light," to lay hold of their own off-spring, and bring him before the elders and the congregation, to be stoned! It was a private affair — a family matter. What had the elders and the congregation to do with it? God had to say to it, and to see to it! In His sight, there is, next to the abomination of an idol, nothing more horrible and unbearable than a rebellious child. Its existence was a spot to the camp where God dwelt. The congregation had to purge itself from its presence, else the whole congregation of Israel, as well as the family to which the rebellious son belonged, would have been defiled by his continued presence.

The sin of disobedience and rebellion is here dealt with in connection with drunkenness; not because drunkenness was the capital sin (comp. v. 18), but because the crime of such stubbornness and disobedience to parents is of such an unnatural and dastardly character, that it can be only imputed to the maddening influence of drink, whilst showing at the same time, that drunkenness cannot be admitted as a plea for such a crime before God, as it ought not to be, and, generally, is not admitted as a plea before human judges.

But what, in the case of a stubborn and rebellious son in a Christian family; rare, I trust, as such a terrible case may be? Is grace to prevail, and he to remain in the house, because the law of Moses is no longer applicable? Is the stubborn and rebellious son to stay, until he has infected all the children with the leaven of his wickedness, and turned the whole into a mutinous camp? Fearful, indeed, in its consequences, would be the sinful folly, and awfully solemn the responsibility of the over-indulgent parent in such a case! If the word of love and grace, and the rod of chastisement have proved ineffectual, the family ought, without further delay, to be purged from the defiling presence of the rebellious child, and the door shut upon him. God's blessing cannot rest upon a household where He is dishonoured by the sufferance of such an abomination in His sight. Let the obstinate one learn, under the iron rule and the heavy yoke of the stranger, to appreciate and bow to the sacred claims of a loving father's or mother's authority, and in the icy atmosphere of a selfish world, to yearn and long for the genial flame of the homely hearth, and the peaceful haven of his family, the privileges and affections of which he had spurned. If, in such an extreme, deplorable case, outraged parental authority has firmly and graciously asserted its inalienable claims, and thus the sanctuary of the family been purged from that which is an abomination in the sight of God, their prayers for the wanderer will ascend to the throne of grace, and result, in God's own time, in the sigh for the "father's house," and the tearful cry of repentance: "Father, I have sinned against thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son."

Before going further, I would just offer a few remarks upon a case of discipline, which was of old, and is, I trust, even in our evil days, a case of not very frequent occurrence, but requires all the more promptness and wisdom where it does occur. I mean the case of a stubborn and rebellious son, provided for in the book of Deuteronomy in such awfully solemn terms:

"If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

Then comes the serious question of training, and not merely teaching the young; and the word is, "Withhold not correction from the child." But if he needs chastening for moral delinquency, there must be self-restraint as well as holy resoluteness. He is not to be beaten with a scourge to his great pain or injury, but "with the rod." So beaten, "he shall not die," but live the better. On the other hand, the parent must not shirk pain to natural feeling — "thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell." Let the father fear the end of laxity, and look for blessing on a godly beginning.

There is another form of following God's ways in the due correction of the family. How many of the godly have spared the rod, and thus failed in love to their sons! Here is laid down the warning and the sort of love: "He that spares his rod hates his son: but he that loves him chastens him, or seeks him early with discipline." To spare is really to please oneself, and harm deeply one's son.

Ephesians 6:4 also tells us that it is the responsibility of fathers to bring up their children in the ‘discipline and admonition’ of the Lord. Some fathers leave the whole burden of this to their wives, but this is not according to Scripture. We have read the words ‘ye fathers’, so the challenge is: be a father and take responsibility for bringing up your children. There are two elements to this. Firstly, discipline,[1] which means to recognise a child’s wrongdoing and stop it. There are cases where fathers see their children doing something wrong and do nothing about it (an example of which we have in 1 Kings 1:6). Of course, different children have different personalities and we need to adjust our methods to take account of this, using the wisdom the Lord gives us. Secondly, admonition or exhortation, a completely different matter, which means showing our children the right and good way to act and helping them follow it. We need a balanced approach: some fathers emphasise discipline and forget admonition, while others only admonish and never act. But we also read that these things should be done in ‘the Lord’. He is our help, so we need to be dependent on Him.

How many parents there are today, even Christian parents, who do not discipline their children according to the Scriptures. They think that it is unkind to punish a child and to correct it, or to give it corporal punishment when necessary. This is of course Freudian philosophy but not Biblical instruction. It is actually a lack of love that does not correct and guide a child when it goes wrong, or when it must be compelled for its own sake.

Fathers are next addressed. "Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Discipline is necessary, and cannot safely be dispensed with (does our Father train us without it?) but it must be wise to be good. It is unhappy to alienate the affections of the children by unnecessary rigour; parental influence is thus lost, and not easily regained. Faith regards the family as a precious charge from the Lord, and delights to lay hold of the word, "train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Prov. 22:6). Is not Timothy a bright example, and encouragement to faith (2 Tim. 3:15)?

V. 21. Fathers are to beware lest they assert their authority in an arbitrary way, and thus estrange the child's affection by any unjust punishment; or dishearten the child by needless fault-finding. They are to seek to exhibit that perfect wisdom of Christ, Who knew how to correct His disciples while retaining their affections (Luke 22:24-30).

Children are next addressed. The instruction is simple and uncomplicated. They are to obey their parents in the Lord, that is, as subject to the Lord's authority. False educators today boldly undermine this parental authority, and it is leading to ruin, for it denies what is right before God. The relationship of children is typical of that of believers to God as their Father. If a believer should obey God, then a child should obey his parents. More still is involved in verse 2: the need for due respect is added. This verse is quoted from the ten commandments, not as putting children under law, but as showing the law's importance as an abiding governmental principle which brings temporal blessings as a result. For children are certainly to be subject to their parents, and this has much to do with their welfare on earth.

Fathers, being in authority, are not to abuse that authority (v.4). It is too easily possible for a father's impatience with his children to lead to unfair treatment of them, and this is likely to provoke their anger. Let us rather have sober exercise to bring up children "in the discipline and admonition of the Lord" (JND), that is, as disciples under the gentle, firm authority of the Lord, being kindly and consistently reminded of His grace and truth.