Should there be hierarchy in the family?

In all our relations two parties are involved. It is so here. The marriage relation is taken up as between wives and husbands; the family as between children and parents; the industrial as between servants and masters. Each of the three relationships, as instituted by God, involves this, that one party shall assume the lead and the other shall be subject. Moreover, this is not a point which is left for negotiation and arrangement as between various individuals entering upon the relationship. It is a matter which is settled by the Word of God.

Take first the family. The value God Himself sets upon subjection to His order is seen in that familiar passage in which He commends Abraham, on the ground that "he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment," etc. (Gen. 18:19.) In the epistles of Ephesians and Colossians also what care is taken to enjoin on every member of the Christian household the fulfilment of their several relative responsibilities. Children and servants, as well as parents and masters, husbands and wives, are directed as to the duties of their respective positions. On the other hand, what sad examples of parental misrule and of filial disobedience are preserved in the Scriptures for our admonition and warning. The happiness of the families of Eli, Samuel, David, and many others, was wrecked simply because the parents in these cases did not establish and uphold the divine governmental order. And not only was it the case that the happiness of the family was destroyed, but the sin, whether of parental failure, or of the children's disobedience, brought with it the divine judgment. (Read, for example, 1 Sam. 3:11-14.)

Wherein lies then the maintenance of God's order in the family? The answer to this question is found in both Ephesians and Colossians. (Eph. 5:22-33, Eph. 6:1-9; Col. 3:18-25, Col. 4: 1.) The husband is the head, and as such has to act as God's viceregent, to govern not according to his, but according to the divine will. The authority put into his hands is from the Lord, and it is his to wield for Him, and it cannot therefore be delegated to another. The wife is in subjection to her husband, even as the Church is subject to Christ, the husband on his part having to love his wife even as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself for it. The responsibility of children is to obey their parents in the Lord. Their obedience is to be absolute, qualified only by the condition — in the Lord. Servants have likewise to obey their masters, parents and masters having on their side their respective obligations.

With these instructions before us, it is easy to perceive that if the wife govern instead of the husband, or if the children are permitted to have their own way, to please themselves instead of living in subjection; or if, again, servants are allowed to govern the household, it could not be productive either of blessing, harmony, or happiness. No; the pathway of blessing is the pathway of obedience in the several spheres we are called upon to fill. And when this is acknowledged by the various members of a family, that household becomes a testimony for God in a scene where all have departed from Him — a bright circle of light in the midst of surrounding darkness, and an anticipation of millennial blessing when the Lord's authority shall be acknowledged throughout the whole world.

Take first the family. The value God Himself sets upon subjection to His order is seen in that familiar passage in which He commends Abraham, on the ground that "he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment," etc. (Gen. 18:19.) In the epistles of Ephesians and Colossians also what care is taken to enjoin on every member of the Christian household the fulfilment of their several relative responsibilities. Children and servants, as well as parents and masters, husbands and wives, are directed as to the duties of their respective positions. On the other hand, what sad examples of parental misrule and of filial disobedience are preserved in the Scriptures for our admonition and warning. The happiness of the families of Eli, Samuel, David, and many others, was wrecked simply because the parents in these cases did not establish and uphold the divine governmental order. And not only was it the case that the happiness of the family was destroyed, but the sin, whether of parental failure, or of the children's disobedience, brought with it the divine judgment. (Read, for example, 1 Sam. 3:11-14.)

Wherein lies then the maintenance of God's order in the family? The answer to this question is found in both Ephesians and Colossians. (Eph. 5:22-33, Eph. 6:1-9; Col. 3:18-25, Col. 4:1.) The husband is the head, and as such has to act as God's viceregent, to govern not according to his, but according to the divine will. The authority put into his hands is from the Lord, and it is his to wield for Him, and it cannot therefore be delegated to another. The wife is in subjection to her husband, even as the Church is subject to Christ, the husband on his part having to love his wife even as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself for it. The responsibility of children is to obey their parents in the Lord. Their obedience is to be absolute, qualified only by the condition — in the Lord. Servants have likewise to obey their masters, parents and masters having on their side their respective obligations.

With these instructions before us, it is easy to perceive that if the wife govern instead of the husband, or if the children are permitted to have their own way, to please themselves instead of living in subjection; or if, again, servants are allowed to govern the household, it could not be productive either of blessing, harmony, or happiness. No; the pathway of blessing is the pathway of obedience in the several spheres we are called upon to fill. And when this is acknowledged by the various members of a family, that household becomes a testimony for God in a scene where all have departed from Him — a bright circle of light in the midst of surrounding darkness, and an anticipation of millennial blessing when the Lord's authority shall be acknowledged throughout the whole world.

The Christian wife is to be in subjection to her husband. If he is a Christian he obeys the word and she obeys him. A most excellent and delightful arrangement made according to the wisdom of God! Subjection, be it remembered, does not mean inferiority. In business partnerships two men may be equal partners and yet one is recognized as the senior with whom the final decision rests. So in the marriage bond the man has been creatorially fitted for the senior, directing place in the partnership, the woman for the subject place, though she is an heir together with her husband of the grace of life, and a sharer together with him in his exercises and prayers. If the husband loves and honours his wife as a fellow-heir and partner, and she honours and obeys him, an ideal marriage is the result.

In fact, even before the wife is told to submit herself to her husband, the previous verse (21) tells us, "submitting to one another in the fear of God." Both the husband and wife therefore should have a submissive spirit, not contentious, for the husband may often be glad to submit to his wife's desires in various matters. Yet in matters of serious consequence he is to have the final word, and she should be gladly submissive.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord" (Eph. 5:22). This is the Divine order. The husband is the head of the wife, and while she is free to make suggestions for consideration of her husband, yet in matters of importance he is to make the final decisions. He is wise if he leaves to her the many minor decisions of homemaking, and to act with due consideration of her preferences also. But it is her very glory to know how to submit with gentle grace and cheerfulness, even if her wishes are not followed.

The husband, however, is not told to require her submission, but to love her. She is not told to require her husband's love, but to submit to him. Let each deeply take to heart the particular instruction to himself personally, and the result will be a godly, lovely unity in spite of minor differences of opinion. Indeed, a faithful love and consideration of the wife on the part of the husband is a more effective means than anything else, of encouraging her subjection of heart. And her quiet, cheerful submission to her husband is the truest means of encouraging his love for her.

We have said already that three times Priscilla is mentioned first and three times Aquila is mentioned first, indicating the proper balance between husband and wife. Where Scripture speaks about the husband being the head, it does not mean that he is a tyrant, that he is overbearing, not at all, he is responsible for direction and control in his home, a very, very responsible position indeed. The wife has her place of honour in being subject to her husband, and being under his control and guidance, so contributing to what Scripture indicates is a Christian home set up in order for the glory of Christ and of God.

From Ephesians 5:22 to Ephesians 6:4 we have the Family Circle, in which the features of the new man are to be manifested. Husband and wife is the closest and most intimate of natural relationships and therefore comes first. The normal Christian household is contemplated, where all acknowledge Jesus as Lord. Because the husband holds his headship and consequent authority in relation to the Lord, the wife is to submit herself unto her own husband as unto the Lord. God's wisdom has set the husband as head of the wife even as Christ is the Head of the church; so that even as the church is dependent upon Christ for guidance and supplies, the wife has been placed in dependence upon her husband for her resources and direction. It is not uncommon to find a wife with greater discernment, judgment, and mental ability than her husband, but this in no wise relieves her from the place of subjection, divinely given, even as the church has been subjected to Christ. How blessed to see the relationship of the church to Christ introduced to give force to the divine instructions for human relationships. Paul does not take us back to Eden to support his exhortations by what was then established, but rather lifts the subject into the realm of God's counsels, that the light of heaven might illumine and give colour to the common things of this life. And if he does go back to Eden, it is to show that Adam and Eve prefigured Christ and the church. Creation's light does display the beauty of the relationship of husband and wife, established by God, but how greatly the relationship is enhanced by the light of God's counsels.

Particular relationships are considered from verse 22 to chapter 6:9. Wives are first addressed, for they are to specially manifest the lovely spirit of submission, as being subject to their own husbands. In so submitting they are submitting to the Lord, which makes submission an attitude of loving obedience to Him, rather than an irksome responsibility. It is God who tells the wife to submit, not the husband, who should pay more attention to what God tells him than to what God tells his wife.

God's order in creation made the husband to be head of the wife. This does not mean he is superior to the wife, but as the head he is responsible to supply the nourishment, guidance and encouragement the wife needs. Though the wife may make suggestions and express concerns that should be considered, yet the husband is responsible to make final decisions. This reference to headship leads the apostle immediately to speak of the marvelous relationship of Christ as the Head of the Church, of which Adam and Eve's marriage is a divinely intended picture. Not only is Christ the Head of the Church, the source of its nourishment and guidance, but He is the Savior of the body. His preserving, protecting salvation is a daily need of His body, the Church, just as a husband is not only head of his wife, but her protector also.

It is clear that, while the wife should regard her husband as the fountain of authority in the affairs of the household and in the conduct of their joint lives, the husband in the exercise of that authority should express his advice and judgment to her in the terms of love and endearment befitting a channel of the divine will. The real unity of married life will be most fittingly displayed by this blending of authority and affection. The authority of the husband will be conveyed by the expressions of his love, and the obedience of the wife will be prompted by the impulses of her affection.