Making marriage last - what is the key?

The love of the marriage relationship, is an act of will under the guidance of our Master. An intelligent and permanent decision, which is taken in mature consideration of the issues involved and which will endure through every pressure and circumstance which might otherwise cause a couple to 'fall out of love'. The Lord has decreed that marriage is for life and if we want the Lord’s blessing we must follow his instructions. It is the lie of the devil that we can be happy with someone else. We must reject his subtle whispers.

It must be entirely a question of individual faith. You must walk before God in happy loving fellowship. You should both wait upon God together and seek to be of one mind in the Lord. This is your happy privilege. It is of the utmost importance for man and wife to cultivate the daily habit of waiting together on the Lord. It has a marvelous effect upon the whole range of domestic life. Bring everything before God, pour out your hearts together. Have no secrets, no reserve. Then will your hearts be knit together in holy love, and the current of your personal, conjugal and domestic life will flow peacefully and happily on, to the praise of Him who has made you one and called you to walk together as heirs of the grace of life.

And wherefore have we this wondrous description of the love of Christ for the church? To show what should be the character of the husband's love for His wife. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church." Not to press too closely the comparison in all its parts, we yet cannot fail to observe, that as Christ's love preceded His giving Himself for the church, so there cannot be a true union in the sight of God unless it has sprung from love. Love, and love only, should be the motive of the choice; and love must cement and beautify the union when formed. The whole element of the married life should be love; and not only so, but if the husband looks upon the standard here given, he will see that the one and constant demand the wife will make upon him is for love. His love must endure — survive all trials, unweariedly seeking to draw his wife closer and closer to himself, and ever keeping before him (as to earth) the object of a union which, as it has sprung from, can only be cemented by, an unchanging and indefatigable love. Nothing less can be intended by this divine model. A special application may perhaps not be out of place. Many a Christian husband finds himself united to an unbeliever; but his duty remains the same. And as the love of Christ seeks the eternal blessedness of the church, so the love of the husband will not be satisfied with seeking to secure the present comfort and happiness of his wife; but it will be exhibited in watchful and tender ministry of that word which brings the knowledge of salvation, through faith in the Lord Jesus. Every husband indeed will feel the obligation of caring for the spiritual welfare of his wife; for it is in this direction that his love will more nearly partake of the same character as that of Christ for the church. Truly therefore marriage, according to God, is no unimportant thing; and the more deeply this is felt, the greater will the husband feel the need of constant dependence, in order in any way to meet his responsibility. And, it may be added, the more constantly he is himself abiding in the sense of Christ's love, the more freely will his love flow out towards his wife.

But again it is added, "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself." (Eph. 5:28-33.) Here we are carried back, as has been remarked, to the garden of Eden, to the creation and presentation of Eve to Adam, which in itself is a manifest figure of the union between Christ and the church; and this fact accounts for the way in which the apostle weaves the two things in these exhortations. (See Gen. 2:21-25.) The union is thus looked upon as so complete — as Adam said of Eve, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh;" and again, "They shall be one flesh" — that it is said, so ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. In this aspect, self-love is to be the measure of a man's love to his wife; and as this is one of the instincts of our nature — and naturally its governing principle — it is impossible to conceive of a more definite and comprehensive direction. Let therefore the oneness of the union — they two shall be one flesh — be apprehended, and love will follow; for the husband will then no more consider his wife as distinct from, but as a part of himself. Thus whatever touches her, will touch him; and his self-love, moving now in a wider circle, includes her, and all that affects and concerns her, within its embrace. All that he desires for himself he will also desire for his wife; all the care he exercises for himself he will exercise for her; and all that he receives he will receive for her as well as for himself. In a word, all the good he seeks and all the evil he deprecates, he will also seek and deprecate for his wife, as for himself; for together they are "one flesh," and therefore he that loveth his wife loveth himself. The word of God provides in this way a perfect antidote against selfishness, and leads out the husband in self-sacrifice, which is the fruit of all true love, and which finds its highest exemplification in Christ, who loved the Church, and gave Himself for it.

As the distinguishing feature of the wife's conduct should be subjection, so that of the husband's should be love. “Husbands, love your wives.” The form in the original tongue of both exhortations to the married pair indicates that the act enjoined is to be constant and characteristic. Both the submission of the wife and the love of the husband must be a continuous habit, not an occasional occurrence.

In the ideal marriage of scripture, therefore, the wife becomes the enthralling object of her spouse's affection and devotion to a degree which deepens in intensity as the years pass. Self is set aside in the home-life, and he that is married is solicitous in everyday matters how he may please his wife rather than himself. And while he may forget his own little lordship in the absorbing self-sacrifice of his love, he finds that his wife does not forget his authority over her nor omit her ready obedience to him, just because he is so lavish in his love toward her.

There is something intensely sublime and touching in those words: "even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave himself for her." The Spirit of God thus appeals to the tenderest and noblest motives and affections of the new nature in the Christian husband. Under their searching power he cannot help asking himself How far have I shown my love to the one, whom God has given to me as partner for life, by giving myself for her? It is true, when, on the morning of our union, she stood at my side, and laid her tender hand in mine, with confiding love, as if saying: "To thee, next to God, I commit the destiny of my weal or woe; because the Lord has united us, and given me to you for your help-meet and companion through life, and you to me, to be my head and supporter, and the guide of my youth;" — then, indeed, I understood, how a man may leave his father and mother, to be joined to his wife, and be one flesh with her. Then I gave myself entirely to her, because I felt sure, the Lord had given her to me, and it required no self-denial to do so, for I found myself altogether lost in her, in the power of that love, which God had implanted in our hearts to each other. My life and its energies, I felt, would thus henceforth be spent, not to please myself, but be devoted, in the Lord, to the object of my loving care, whom He had given to me as a help-meet and companion. But how far have those purposes of my first love been carried out, and has that love been abiding, like the love of Him, who not only loved His own, but loved them "unto the end?" I fear, many of us, when before God, under the searching power of those words; "even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave himself for her," will have to own, that "it has not been so with us: we left the first love to our wives, because we had left our first love to Christ. The world had slipped in between the husband's heart and Christ; and then its chilling, selfish atmosphere had fallen, like a mildew, also upon the first bloom of the husband's affection, and blighted the tender blossoms of that love that gives itself for the beloved object, loses itself in it, shares everything with it, and finds its sole happiness in the happiness of the beloved one. The vain attractions of the world around us, or the still more subtle allurements of the flesh within, had distanced the husband's heart from Christ, and therefore alienated his affections from his wife. Or that huge factory-wheel, called: "Business," had seized him; which, with its giddy rotations, has swallowed up the minds, and hearts, and — consciences of many a Christian husband and father, alas! and crushed, under its ponderous weight, like the merciless car of "Juggernaut," not only his own, but the happiness of his wife and children, once basking in the love of the husband and father, when his own heart "rejoiced in the Lord," Who had loved him and given Himself for him.

You may be sure, if the husband's heart has "left the first love" for Christ, and the world, flesh, and self have slipped in, it will inevitably be followed by an eclipse and a chill in the domestic atmosphere; and his poor wife will soon feel that he has "left the first love" for her too.

I trust fully that you are both in that way; I do not think it an evil that a young married couple should go through the rough of life a little together at the beginning; it binds their hearts together. Surely there is a far higher and better bond, but as to circumstances the comfort each is to the other, and the sustaining help each is to the other, bind their hearts together for life down here is made up of small things. If it were only when a husband comes home cold and tired, finding ease and a welcome and comfort, as far as may be, and the like, there is the continuous sense of one caring for the other, and that is a great point. They are thrown on one another, and where affection is, this cultivates it, and I believe this is of all importance; and then what accompanies it, entire confidence one in another.

Now I say as a husband, have I failed? What do I do if I have failed as a husband? Obviously the first thing to do is to get on my knees and confess my failure to the Lord in exactly the same way as I would confess any other failure. There is no difference. Let us be preserved from thinking that any failure in the home can be glossed over lightly because it does not reach the public eye. God sees us. We are under the eye of God. Any failure in the home must be confessed in exactly the same way as any public failure. And if the wife fails in any of her responsibilities she has exactly the same recourse for help and for blessing, to confess it. Then we must do something that we are not always prone to do, to confess it to each other that we might not fall into the same snare again and so avoid anything that would hinder the interests of the Lord. I believe with all my heart that Aquila and Priscilla would be such a couple, so concerned about doing what was right for the Lord that they would be harmoniously knitted together, united in the interests of the Lord. This is the attitude that governed their lives. What a delightful couple indeed.

In marriage too, an individual loses his own identity and both become a new person: "And they twain shall be one flesh: so that they are no more twain but one flesh." (Matthew 10 v 8) If we take Christ as our pattern we should give our love to our partner, wanting only their love in return. (He loved us and gave Himself for us. Ephesians 5 v 25) and as this is displayed love will grow.

This love, as we see in the Lord Jesus, involves an undeviating faithfulness and thorough devotedness to the one who is loved. If considering marriage, let the believer be not only fully purposed himself that this should be true of him, but be certain that such evidence is seen in the partner he desires.