Is gentle parenting compatible with the Bible?

"Discipline and admonition!" stern words for the easy-going, and so-called "liberal" principles of these days! Does not the child want nurture for the heart as well as discipline and admonition for the conscience? Most certainly; and he would be a very unwise father indeed, who would let his son starve, and then use the rod, because he turns aside to nibble, over the hedge, at some forbidden fruit in our worldly neighbour's garden! It is true, the father is to bring him up "in the discipline and admonition of the Lord," i.e., under the yoke of Christ. But that yoke is neither hard nor heavy. "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light," says our gracious Master. Do not Christian fathers often forget this? It is for this very reason that the Apostle says: "And ye fathers, provoke not your children unto wrath; i.e., treat them with true fatherly kindness, with a mother's love and gentleness, "but," on the other hand, forget not to "bring them up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord."

If it be written, and it is written, "Children, obey your parents in all things"; it is also, in beautiful adjusting power, written, "Fathers, provoke not your children, lest they be discouraged." Again, if it be said, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord; for this is right"; it is also said, "Ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath; but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." In short, the child must be taught to obey; but the obedient child must be allowed to breathe an atmosphere of tenderness, and to walk up and down in the sunshine of parental affection. This is the spirit of Christian education.

(1.) It is somewhat remarkable that the first exhortation is, "But, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath." So also in Colossians: "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger." (Col. 3:21.) It is not exactly the same word, though the meaning is not very different. This will be at once understood when it is perceived that this exhortation follows upon the call to children to obey their parents. Fathers are placed in almost absolute authority; and hence the first thing the Spirit of God does in turning to parents is to admonish them as to the manner in which they should exercise their authority. Knowing what the flesh is, even in a Christian, and how apt we are to be tyrannical and despotic in the place in which God has set us, He, in tender consideration for those who are put in the subject position, says, "Provoke not your children to wrath." Parents have almost unlimited control (limited only by the words added to the injunction, "in the Lord") over their children, but they are hereby warned that they must be careful before God as to the method of their government. They must consider the feelings of their children, and while they must never abate one jot or tittle of what is due to the Lord, they must remember their weakness; not lay upon them more than they can bear lest they might be discouraged. A more striking illustration of God's tenderness for children could scarcely be conceived-a tenderness which was exemplified again and again by our blessed Lord while down here upon the earth-than is expressed in this special injunction to parents. And we all know, how apt we are to be capricious or harsh in our rule; and hence our need of this reminder. let every parent therefore remember, that if, on the one hand, God has given him the rule over his family, on the other He has carefully defined the character of its exercise; and that he is as responsible for the latter as for the former.

"Lest they should be discouraged." How easy to discourage children, and especially from the right ways of the Lord. With keen and tender susceptibilities, of quick observation and rapid detection of inconsistencies, harsh government might very soon undo years of patient teaching, and speedily mar the most industrious efforts to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Parents therefore cannot be too careful on this point; and it will aid them to be so if they remember that they derive their own position from divine appointment, and that their children are to be governed and trained for God.

{"And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath; but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (Eph. 6:4.) There is great danger of provoking our children to wrath by inordinate strictness and arbitrary treatment. We may constantly find ourselves seeking to mould and fashion our children according to our own tastes and peculiarities, rather than to "bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." This is a very great mistake, and will surely issue in failure and confusion. We shall gain nothing, in the way of testimony for Christ, by moulding and fashioning nature into the most exquisite shapes. Moreover, it does not require faith to train and cultivate nature; but it does require it to bring up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

We cannot understand how anyone calling himself a Christian parent can adopt a system of harsh and cruel treatment towards his children. It can only result in making them liars and infidels. They will tell lies to escape the strap. They will despise the religion which stands connected with such inordinate severity. Such treatment as you describe is more worthy of a cruel slavemaster than of a Christian parent. There are cases in which some discipline is necessary, but it should be administered in such a way as to convince the child that it is only for his good and not the fruit of bad temper or of arbitrary severity. The rod should be most reluctantly lifted. It should be the very last resource. In short, the Christian parent should ever keep before him as his model his heavenly Father's dealings with himself. Does He inflict punishment for confessed sin? The thought is blasphemy. He only chastens in love, to make us partakers of His holiness. It grieves Him to have to use the rod. “His soul was grieved for the misery of Israel.” This should be the Christian parent's pattern.

We do not believe in the everlasting whipping system. It only hardens and brutalizes. And we would further add, dear friend, that the father and the mother should be wholly one in the administration of discipline. For a child to have to appeal to one parent to shield him from the other, reveals a condition of things in the domestic circle perfectly shocking to every well-regulated mind. The father and mother should not have a single divergent thought in reference to the system of training. They should appear before their children as one authority, one influence. The firmness of the father and the tenderness of the mother should be so sweetly blended that their joint action might be felt in the entire system of training. But how is all this to be realized? By the parents being much on their knees together before God. This is the true secret of domestic training. If the father and mother do not pray together, they will not act together; and if they do not act together, the education of the children must suffer. May the Lord in His infinite goodness help all Christian parents to discharge aright their high and holy functions so His name may be glorified in the households of His people!

But, ere we turn from the subject of domestic government, there is one special point to which we desire to call the attention of Christian parents — a point of the utmost possible moment, yet too much neglected amongst us, and that is the need of inculcating upon our children the duty of implicit obedience. This cannot be too strongly insisted upon, inasmuch as it not only affects the order and comfort of our households; but, what is infinitely more important, it concerns the glory of God, and the practical carrying out of His truth. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right." And again, "Children, obey your parents in all things; for this is well pleasing to the Lord." (Eph. 6; Col. 3.)

This is absolutely essential, and must be firmly insisted upon, from the very outset. The child must be taught to obey, from his earliest moments. He must be trained to submit himself to divinely appointed authority, and that, as the apostle puts it, "in all things." If this be not attended to from the very first, it will be found almost impossible to attend to it afterwards. If the will be allowed to act, it grows, with terrible rapidity, and each day's growth increases the difficulty of bringing it under control. Hence, the parent should begin at once, to establish his authority, on a basis of moral strength and firmness; and, when this is done, he may be as gentle and tender as the most loving heart could desire. We do not believe in sternness, harshness or severity. They are, by no means, necessary, and are generally the accompaniments of bad training and the proofs of bad temper. God has put into the parent's hand the reins of government, and the rod of authority; but it is not needful — if we may so express it — to be continually chucking the reins and brandishing the rod, which are the sure proofs of moral weakness. Whenever you hear a man continually talking about his authority, you may be sure his authority is not properly established. There is a quiet dignity about true moral power which is perfectly unmistakable.

Ephesians 6:4 reads: "And ye fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord." The Greek word for "Do not provoke" is one that is rarely used. The only other place we find it in the New Testament is in Romans 10:19. The noun formed from it is found in Ephesians 4:26, but nowhere else in the New Testament. There it means "Irritation". You have been irritated, and the Lord says: "Let not the sun go down on your irritation." Perhaps the exhortation to the fathers might be rendered: "Ye fathers, do not irritate your children." How easy it is to irritate them. The word is not as strong as to make them angry. Perhaps it includes the teasing that so often we are tempted to indulge in towards our children. Perhaps we think we have a right to do this, and that it is good for them. On the contrary, it is direct disobedience to the Word of God, and will most surely bring a harvest of sorrow. We are to "bring them up." The word translated in this way is used again in Ephesians 5:29; where we read that Christ 'nourishes' the church. We are not to "drive" the children, but "bring" them: and what a difference! We are to bring them up in the "nurture … of the Lord." This word translated 'nurture' literally means 'the rearing of a child.' We find it again in 2 Tim. 3:16, where it is translated "Instruction." There it is the Word of God, the Scriptures, which 'nurture', or 'instruct' us. In Heb. 12:5, 7, 8, 11, we find it again, translated this time: 'chastening.' This includes the disciplinary spankings and other punishments that we are responsible to give our children, and the Scripture tells us that at the time this "does not seem to be a matter of joy, but of grief; but afterwards yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those exercised by it." (Heb. 12:11, New Translation). We are disobeying the Lord when we do not chastise our children, but we have noticed this when speaking of Eli and his sons. But let us bear in mind that to bring our children up in the nurture of the Lord, chastisement is included. This word also includes training, learning, instruction, discipline: each one is most important for the child in its own way, and all included in "nurture." But there is another word. We are to bring them up in the "nurture and admonition of the Lord." The word admonition literally means "Putting in mind." Perhaps most children are forgetful, and part of their training is to put them in mind. What patience is needed for this. Perhaps the word also includes teaching, exhortation, and warning: surely not threatening. All these we must have, but all are to be "of the Lord". And let us remember, never are we to irritate them.

We get another little word for the fathers in Col. 3:21. It is only one line in my Greek Testament: but how much is found in that one line! "The fathers, do not stir up your children, in order that they may not be disheartened." The word for stir up (or, provoke) is found also in 2 Cor. 9:2; not elsewhere in the New Testament. God our Father is the God of all Encouragement, and we are not to do anything that will dishearten, or discourage, our children. Our character towards them is to be the same as our Father's character towards us: Encouragement. May the Lord Himself teach us how to do this according to His will: to imitate (literally: mimic) Him. Eph. 5:1.

Children are next addressed. The instruction is simple and uncomplicated. They are to obey their parents in the Lord, that is, as subject to the Lord's authority. False educators today boldly undermine this parental authority, and it is leading to ruin, for it denies what is right before God. The relationship of children is typical of that of believers to God as their Father. If a believer should obey God, then a child should obey his parents. More still is involved in verse 2: the need for due respect is added. This verse is quoted from the ten commandments, not as putting children under law, but as showing the law's importance as an abiding governmental principle which brings temporal blessings as a result. For children are certainly to be subject to their parents, and this has much to do with their welfare on earth.

Fathers, being in authority, are not to abuse that authority (v.4). It is too easily possible for a father's impatience with his children to lead to unfair treatment of them, and this is likely to provoke their anger. Let us rather have sober exercise to bring up children "in the discipline and admonition of the Lord" (JND), that is, as disciples under the gentle, firm authority of the Lord, being kindly and consistently reminded of His grace and truth.

V. 21. Fathers are to beware lest they assert their authority in an arbitrary way, and thus estrange the child's affection by any unjust punishment; or dishearten the child by needless fault-finding. They are to seek to exhibit that perfect wisdom of Christ, Who knew how to correct His disciples while retaining their affections (Luke 22:24-30).

‘And ye fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord’ (Eph. 6:4). God our Father is our perfect example: ‘And if ye invoke as Father him who, without regard of persons, judges according to the work of each, pass your time of sojourn in fear’ (1 Pet. 1:17). Fathers should be characterised by two things. Firstly, they should obtain rather than demand the respect of their families. If we tell our children how they should behave but fail to do this ourselves, we will lose their respect. They will say, ‘You do not practise what you preach.’ But this verse also speaks of invoking or calling on the name of the Father, which is to do with the second aspect of the relationship fathers should have with their children. We should maintain an atmosphere of trust and confidence so that they know they can come to us if they have a problem and talk about it. There are fathers who are very rigid so that their children are almost afraid of them — if they make a mistake they know that they are going to be in big trouble. If this is the atmosphere we maintain, they will never come to us because they will be afraid of our reaction. So, on the one hand there should be respect but on the other there should be trust and confidence.

Ephesians 6:4 also says that we should ‘not provoke’ our children ‘to anger’. There are three things that can contribute to this. Firstly, a selfish attitude. If we constantly demand things from our children by saying, ‘Do this quickly’ or ‘Bring me that now’, we virtually treat them as slaves. Such selfish behaviour can provoke and discourage them, as well as lead them to give up trying to please us. Secondly, an uncontrolled temper. If, after a hard day at work when everything seems to have gone wrong, our little boy does something silly at home and we explode, he does not know what has hit him. Why? Because he senses when he should be punished but in this case he asks himself, ‘What did I do wrong?’ He cannot understand why we reacted in this way. We should be mature enough to control our tempers. Thirdly, unreasonable expectations. We cannot expect a two-year-old to do what is normal for a five-year-old. She may try to do it but without success, which will lead her to become frustrated and provoke her to anger. In 1 John 2:12–28 we find three stages of spiritual growth among the children of God: fathers, young men and little children. John addresses them in different ways according to their maturity and experience so let us be wise and bring up our children according to their age and ability.

Ephesians 6:4 also tells us that it is the responsibility of fathers to bring up their children in the ‘discipline and admonition’ of the Lord. Some fathers leave the whole burden of this to their wives, but this is not according to Scripture. We have read the words ‘ye fathers’, so the challenge is: be a father and take responsibility for bringing up your children. There are two elements to this. Firstly, discipline,[1] which means to recognise a child’s wrongdoing and stop it. There are cases where fathers see their children doing something wrong and do nothing about it (an example of which we have in 1 Kings 1:6). Of course, different children have different personalities and we need to adjust our methods to take account of this, using the wisdom the Lord gives us. Secondly, admonition or exhortation, a completely different matter, which means showing our children the right and good way to act and helping them follow it. We need a balanced approach: some fathers emphasise discipline and forget admonition, while others only admonish and never act. But we also read that these things should be done in ‘the Lord’. He is our help, so we need to be dependent on Him.