Should I confront someone gossiping about me or stay silent?
Being talked about behind your back is one of the most painful things a person can face, and the instinct is either to go on the attack or to swallow it. Scripture speaks to both instincts, and commentators do not all land in the same place — so the real question is which response fits your case, and what to do while you decide.
Go to the person, not to an audience
Where the wrong is personal and between the two of you, the Lord's instruction is to move toward the individual rather than sideways to other people.
William Kelly"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone." This is not a sin known to a great many, but a personal trespass known only to you two. So go to him, and tell him his fault between you and him alone. "If he listens to you, you have gained your brother." Love is bent on gaining the brother.
The word "go" also rules out the modern substitutes — the message, the letter, the mutual friend who will pass it along.
Robert F. WallThe Lord says, "go," and that is what we must do. There is nothing here about writing to the brother or taking the matter up with him from a distance.
Recruiting allies defeats the purpose
Answering gossip by gathering your own supporters simply makes you the second gossip in the story.
Robert F. WallWe are not to broadcast what has happened, or to seek to rally others to "our cause." Such actions are most unhelpful. There is to be a private face to face meeting between the two concerned, with no others present… It should also be apparent by the spirit in which the whole matter is taken up that one really does want to "gain" one's brother and is ready to forgive what has been done.
The manner of the meeting matters as much as the fact of it. The goal is to bring him to see it, not to corner him.
Numerical Bible Notes"Go and show him his fault" — literally, "convict him," bring him to conviction — "between you and him alone." Let there be no needless exposure, no pain that can be spared, nothing that would arouse resentment, and so most surely hinder recovery.
Silence is a real option, and sometimes the wiser one
Commentators differ here. Several are firm that when you are simply being attacked, the answer is not to answer at all.
J. N. DarbyMere attacks, I feel, are never to be answered. If we have failed — acknowledge it; if not — leave it to the Lord.
One writer adds a practical warning: self-defence tends to multiply your opponents rather than settle them.
William KellyAs a rule, true wisdom, if you are ill-used, is quietly to bow, and, if you must, to fight the Lord's battles, confiding in Him to take up your cause, but in no case to fight your own battles… Your defence provokes aggression, and, as long as you defend yourself, you will have, not one only, but many, who will for this reason suspect and oppose you.
Which one — and how you tell
The difference between speaking and staying quiet is not decided by temperament or by how angry you feel.
C. H. MackintoshIf you really wait on Him, He will teach you when to speak and when to keep silence. There is danger of speaking in haste of temper rather than in a spirit of love… Further, we must remember there is very often far more powerful testimony in solemn and dignified silence than in talking for talking's sake. But the Lord will guide the lowly dependent heart. He will tell you when to speak and when to be silent. Then, you may rest assured, the speaking and the silence will each be fruitful in its season.
Cutting the report off at the source
The people who heard the gossip carry responsibility too — and knowing that shapes what you can reasonably ask of them.
Edward DennettChristians, above all, should be careful as to this, refusing every report to another's discredit, unless vouched for by unimpeachable testimony. The responsibility is thus cast upon the hearer, as well as the repeater, of reports. If this were remembered many a slander would be nipped in the bud, many a tale-bearer unveiled, and many a breach of fellowship avoided.
Your own posture in the meantime
There are two roles available while the story circulates, and one of them is not neutral.
The Bible TreasuryWhen some slander is uttered about a child of God, do you plead for him, go home and pray for him? If you know he has failed, do you go in love and humility, and take the word to him, and wash his feet? This is the blessed work of the Advocate. — Or do you listen to the story, go and spread it lightly to someone else, without knowing whether it is a fact or not?… This is to do the devil's work.
Summary
- Go, don't broadcast. The first move is toward the one person, face to face and alone — not a letter, not a message, not a third party.
- Gain, don't win. The aim is to bring him to see it with the least exposure and the least pain, because love wants the brother back, not the verdict.
- Guard, don't gather. Rallying others to your cause makes you the next talebearer; hearers who refuse an unverified report kill slander at the source.
- Bow, don't battle. Where it is a bare attack, several writers say leave it with the Lord — self-defence usually recruits more opponents than it silences.
- Wait, then act. Depend on Him to show you when to speak and when to be silent, and each, in its season, will bear fruit.