I am a parent, how can I let go of my adult children?

I so feel for our young people now. I feel more for my … than your … It was wisely ordered that through persecution and tribulation we should enter the kingdom. They have the misfortune of seeing Christianity in their parents and friends, which causes them to set out with a low standard. Oh! I feel this; how different our conversation, from what we would that they should consider the Christian's calling! so that the very respect and esteem, it is desirable that they should entertain for us, is against their whole future life; and inasmuch as it is below, and different from, the way in which we set out, so in proportion will their Christianity in some years be below ours. This, with many other things, shows me that even in this relationship we must be resigned to decrease, and let the Lord be all! We often think it is for their good, and the Lord's glory, that we desire to be identified in their minds with the gospel, but our very disappointment when we fail, proves it to be secretly a desire of obtaining for ourselves that worship which is its due and effect. I desire to be willing they should be able to discover both grace, and nature, in me, that my inconsistency may not detract from its glory; and I desire also to be able, now that they have come to full reason, and the Lord has taken them up, I trust, to let go my dominion and too great anxiety over them, and so prove that not for myself, but for Him, I have watched over them. How difficult it is, dear friend, to be only for Him in this world, especially in our service towards them we call our own. We are ready to be interested even for the Lord's work, because the bit he has given us, instead of, because His. Still self, self — we need a heart large enough to embrace the universe, yet contracted enough to lend all its energies and sympathies to each case, "diligently to follow every good work," elastic hearts! … I believe you expected I was to have more leisure up here, than at … quite the contrary, I never had so little leisure or time for communion, in my life! not because of the change of place, but more from the loss of … besides, new situations bring new duties and new trials.

If they remain as children under her hand, of course, she may; but if they are emancipated, in my judgment she had better let it alone.

Finally, Hannah released Samuel when she left him with Eli. We can imagine that it was not an easy thing for Hannah to leave her boy, whom she loved so much, in Shiloh. However, she knew that this was according to God’s will and to her own promise. Children are a wonderful gift of grace from the Lord, but to a certain extent they are only given ‘on loan’. It would be selfish if we wanted to keep them for ourselves. They belong to the Lord. If the Lord wants to use them for Himself, we should count it a privilege to give them to Him. Some of us know by experience that this is not always easy. However, it is ultimately a blessed privilege to be able to do so.

Second, Hannah weaned her son (1 Sam. 1:23). Our children cannot rely solely on spiritual food from their parents forever. We have to ‘wean’ them. They need to learn to stand on their own two feet, and feed themselves spiritually. They need to build up their own close relationship to the Lord Jesus. Of course, spiritual weaning is a process which may take some time. We can spend time with our children as they learn to be independent in these matters.

Ans.—The law among men has settled upon ages which are supposed to be ages of discretion, and as a rule such laws are just and wise: on the one hand, condemning lawlessness; on the other, tyranny, for there is danger in both. A refined moral sense will go farther than age limits, and demand subjection in the child during the time of dependence on the parent for support. Where the love of Christ prevails in the family, the children will not be anxious to shake off parental oversight and counsel, but will rather seek, cherish and obey it; nor will parents assert authority unduly, but will rather seek to carefully develop conscience in their children and leave them free, as soon as they deem it safe, to find their own path.

But when the object of that tender, loving parental care has developed into maturity, and the sturdy youth, or blooming maid, stands before the parents; the latter have to put before them their duties, accruing from their position as "sons" or "daughters," and perhaps, to speak to them the solemn, though loving word of exhortation, where that position of "son" and "heir," as to the corresponding responsibility and duty, might have been lost sight of and neglected. In such cases the father's grave word, "My son," appeals to the conscience of the forgetful young recipient of parental love and liberality; and if that word has found an echo in his conscience, and produced its proper effect, the old cheerful term, "my child," will come as a balm for the heart, like the first sunbeam after the stormy cloud.

Whatever a child may be, even if he be the heir, yet is he kept in a place of subjection and under rules and regulations, so that in that respect he differs nothing from a servant. He cannot as yet be entrusted with the freedom of his father's house. When, however, he comes of age all is changed. He then leaves the nursery regime behind, and the time of his tutelage is over. He takes his place as a son, in the liberty and nearness which befits that intimate relationship.

May the Lord use these few lines to give some young Christians fresh exercise as to working out their own salvation. For you to do it yourself is a thousand times better than for your godly parents to seek to do it for you, though when you were young and growing up it was necessary and right for them so to do. But when you launched forth on the sea of life for yourselves they followed you with their prayers, and wistfully watched for the results they have worked for and prayed for ever since you came to gladden their homes at birth.

So with us now. As we look upon the children God has given us we say, Oh let them be beautiful for God throughout eternity! First, we throw every safeguard about them; we try to hide them from the evil in the world; and as they grow up and we can no longer keep them under our eye constantly, as we have to launch them out in this great world, — sent off to school or to some employment, — how faith, by God's grace, does as Moses' parents! They put the child of their care in the ark as it were, and say, If he must be launched out upon the river, we put him in this ark, and we will count upon God for him. So godly parents commit their dear ones to Christ, as they send them off — not in a careless way, but counting upon that precious Saviour who has saved us, to keep our dear ones and to bring them unspotted out of all that into which they will be thrown.

Let us not be afraid to have faith for our children, to lay hold upon God for them before they are able to lay hold upon Him for themselves. People say, A child must believe for himself. You cannot believe for him. Yes, you can in a very real way, as Moses' parents believed for him. Suppose they had not believed for him. Suppose they had said, If he were large enough, he might trust in God; but we must cast him into the river. That would have been the end of Moses as far as human power was concerned. But what a place they put him in! You know how he was taken from the river's brink by Pharaoh's daughter, adopted by her, and then put back under his mother's care until he was of sufficient age to go permanently back to the king's court. Every advantage was given to him; but God's tender care had given him also all the benefit of a mother's love and training in the fear of God and His ways. How diligently that dear mother must have made use of her time! How she must have instilled into his mind the promises of the God of their fathers! How she must have taught that young child that he was identified with those bondsmen who yet were the people of God! How she must have told him of the promises of God, that He would visit them and bring them up out of that land, and give them an inheritance! No doubt she made faithful and diligent use of her opportunities; and, as Pharaoh's daughter said to her (in a higher sense than Pharaoh's daughter meant, she heard another Voice saying,) "Take this child away, and nurse it for me, and I will give thee thy wages." What wages has a faithful mother, if she has spent time and strength and prayers in bringing up her children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord!

Parents, let us have faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. Let us not forget this: if we live up to our responsibility (despite all our shortcomings) and bring our children to Him (also in prayer), all can be left in His hands. David once said to Abiathar, who was in the greatest of dangers, ‘Abide with me, fear not; for he that seeks my life seeks thy life; for with me thou art in safe keeping’ (1 Sam. 22:23). His arms are there to hold our children. His hands are there to protect them. He loves them, and His blessing is with them.

[1] There is a third aspect: the responsibility of the children. They have to make their own decisions, which means they can refuse to come to the Lord Jesus. But this is not the focus of this article.