How far is too far?
Answered from the commentary of Leslie M. Grant, Edwin N. Cross, Numerical Bible Notes and 13 others
Too far is asking how close one may come at all, because the command is not to approach a line but to flee. 1 Corinthians 6:18 does not tell the believer to fight fornication but to keep far from it, as Joseph fled from Potiphar's wife (Genesis 39). Scripture commands putting a great distance between oneself and the temptation, and gives no licence for any dalliance with evil. The point is made with the driver who was hired because he said he would keep as far from the cliff edge as he could. The least giving in to temptation will almost always lead to further yielding. The plain boundary is that sexual intercourse outside marriage is fornication, and it is forbidden. This holds even where the couple intend to marry, and even if it is done only once. Living together without marriage is also fornication. Physical affection is meant by God for one man and one woman within marriage, and inside that bond there is complete freedom. So marriage itself is honourable, and forbidding it or despising it is no part of holiness. Outside marriage, the church is to abstain from fornication "of the slightest degree," and such things are not even to be named among saints.
The line also lies well before the act, because the Lord counts looking on a woman to lust after her as adultery already committed in the heart (Matthew 5:28). This means the intentional, desiring look, not the passing glance that cannot be helped. Unclean thoughts become sin only when, instead of turning from them, one gives oneself to them. For the same reason, whatever in one's ways exposes the soul to such desire is to be given up at any cost. The believer must not excuse himself by saying he has not actually committed the sin. Romans 13:14 forbids making any provision for the flesh, and turning back for a second look is exactly such provision. So the occasions of sin are to be shunned, and one should not sit at the door of a temptation one does not mean to let in. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 adds that it is not enough to avoid what is known to be wrong; one should also avoid whatever gives just ground for suspicion.
For an engaged couple, one writer allows some display of affection, but with self-control and restraint. The full freedom of physical closeness and union is left until marriage, and staying unaccompanied in the same house is to be avoided. The same writer warns against undue familiarity with the opposite sex in general, and against modest dress and behaviour being neglected. The ground for all of this is that the believer's body is a member of Christ and a temple of the Holy Spirit, bought with a price. That body is to be kept pure and private until marriage and used to glorify God.
Verses: 1 Thessalonians 5:22, 1 Thessalonians 4:3, 1 Thessalonians 4:4, 1 Thessalonians 4:5, 1 Thessalonians 4:6, 1 Thessalonians 4:7, 1 Thessalonians 4:8, Ephesians 5:3, 1 Corinthians 6:18, 1 Corinthians 6:19, 1 Corinthians 6:20, Matthew 5:27, Matthew 5:28, 2 Timothy 2:22, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Corinthians 7:1, 1 Corinthians 7:2, Song of Solomon 2:7, Song of Solomon 3:5, Song of Solomon 8:4, 1 Timothy 5:1, 1 Timothy 5:2, Colossians 3:5, Galatians 5:19, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Romans 13:13, Romans 13:14, Proverbs 6:27, Proverbs 6:28, Proverbs 6:29, Job 31:1, Psalms 119:9, 1 Peter 2:11, Romans 12:1, Romans 12:2, 1 Corinthians 6:13, Galatians 5:16, Proverbs 4:23, 1 Corinthians 10:31, Romans 14:23, Ephesians 5:11, Ephesians 5:12
The above is AI generated summary based on the writers below.
What the commentators say
The passages the answer is drawn from, the most direct first, with the words that bear on the question marked.
Engagement should be used to get to know each other by talking over different matters; praying together and reading God's word. Habits formed at this stage will provide a foundation for married life. In discussing all the many practical aspects of our lives in an attitude of dependence to our Lord and commitment to Him, He will guide our thoughts together and set our aim to serve Him. It is natural to want to spend as much time as possible in each other's company, but let us ensure that we make time for our responsibility to serve the Lord together in our local assembly or wherever He leads. These are all foundations for a spiritual marriage. If we use this time well it will be something to remember with pleasure.
There will also be the opportunity to get to know each other physically. This is once again an area that needs prayerful consideration. It is normal for there to be a display of affection between two who have committed themselves to each other; yet there is need for self-control and restraint. As in all the other areas we have discussed we should seek to honour the Lord and so live for His glory. Let us be wise in these matters and seek guidance to act in a manner that does not embarrass others or give a bad testimony. We must leave until marriage that freedom to enjoy all the privileges of physical closeness and union; we are forbidden to have intercourse outside of marriage and must not allow our physical emotions to control us. Such actions as staying unaccompanied in the same house should be avoided as they could lead to temptation and suspicion. "Abstain from all appearance of evil." 1 Thessalonians 5 v 22.
The whole of Scripture is full of the errors of fornication (Acts 15 v 29) and adultery (Exodus 20 v 14). The first is sexual relationship outside of marriage and the second sexual relationship with a married person. We must clearly state that physical affection is only intended by God for one man and one woman and that within the confines of marriage and to a very limited extent by a couple committed to marriage (see previous chapter).
In God's sight immoral behaviour is so abominable that Paul had to write to Ephesus: “But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints” (Eph. 5:3). This means that we should not mention these things frivolously and so make little of them. The Bible speaks very clearly as to God's judgment about these sins. Holy Scripture not only calls prostitution fornication, but all extramarital intercourse, even where there may be the intention to get married, and even if it is done only once (cf. Gen. 34 and 38). In the world today the word fornication is only used in connection with the first meaning. In the New Testament, however, extramarital intercourse in general is called fornication, that of married persons is called adultery, and both are condemned as abominable sin (Matt. 15:19; 1 Cor. 6:9; Heb. 13:4).
In God's sight immoral behaviour is so abominable that Paul had to write to Ephesus: "But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints" (Eph. 5: 3). This means that we should not mention these things frivolously and so make little of them. The Bible speaks very clearly as to God's judgment about these sins. Holy Scripture not only calls prostitution fornication, but all extramarital intercourse, even where there may be the intention to get married, and even if it is done only once (cf. Gen. 34 and 38). In the world today the word fornication is only used in connection with the first meaning. In the New Testament, however, extramarital intercourse in general is called fornication, that of married persons is called adultery, and both are condemned as abominable sin (Matt. 15: 19; 1 Cor. 6: 9; Heb. 13: 4).
As part of the blessing of marriage God has given us the pleasure of showing love through physical union and the freedom of the display of mutual affection; all within the bounds of a secure relationship.
In the marriage relationship there is complete freedom in this respect but outside marriage this is forbidden as we can clearly see from our scripture. The world does not see this distinction and the holiness and purity that God intended is destroyed. This relaxation of God's standard where physical relationships are entered into wherever and with whoever one chooses, can only bring guilt and misery.
The unmarried Christian and sexuality
We are dealing here with a problem that only exists for an unmarried believer in this form: a life of sexual purity and abstinence. Of course, all Christians are called to a life of (sexual) purity, but for the married Christian this means being faithful to his or her marriage partner and to have sexual intercourse only with her or him, whereas for someone who is unmarried it means a life of permanent sexual abstinence. In a completely sexualised society this can be a hard thing for a teenage Christian, but it may not be much easier for a 30-year-old unmarried Christian either.
The more casual and free contact between the sexes, especially with the younger generation and the negative example of most of their peers of the world, can lead to carelessness and great dangers. God-fearing Job said: "I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid?" (Job 31: 1). However, there are also over-sensitive and over-anxious Christians whose consciences are heavily burdened by involuntary looks and thoughts. I would like to remind such of the well-known words of Martin Luther which he wrote on this verse: "I cannot prevent a bird flying over my head, but what I can prevent is it building a nest in my hair or biting off my nose."
This sordid occurrence took place at the time of sheep-shearing, the time when something was taken from the sheep. To take and leave naked is Satan's work. Sexual temptation was increased by the practices of the Canaanite cult. Ritual fornication was part of their fertility magic. It seems that Tamar posed as a temple/cult prostitute. Such was the world that Judah had married into! Can there be anything so dreadful as this kind of union? Alas, it is also found in the New Testament among the saints of God. Paul spares no words in telling the assembly at Corinth that, "fornicators" shall not "inherit the kingdom of God" (1 Cor. 6: 9, 10). What had been done privately at home was made known to the conscience of the assembly and strongly condemned (1 Cor. 5: 1-13). With such they were not even to eat. The wicked person had to be put away from among them. We know that these sins are commonplace in the world. We need to be aware of our natural propensities and ought to be most cautious and reserved in our conduct with those of the opposite sex (1 Tim. 5: 2). Paul gives no licence for any dalliance with evil, but writes, "Flee fornication" (1 Cor. 6: 18). We are commanded by Scripture to put a great distance between ourselves and the temptation. Obedience to the Word of God is the only way of escape which has been provided. In the next chapter, Joseph, in captivity but still answering to God's will, "fled, and got him out" of Potiphar's house. Potiphar's wife was persistent but he was as resolute to please God. Such a consideration seems entirely absent from Tamar and Judah. They demonstrate their personal vileness.
Verse 7 is now addressed to children rather than to one son. They are told to hear now. We may well hear God speaking in this way, "do not depart from the words of My mouth." Only what seems a small departure can be most dangerous. If in the least detail one trifles with harmful evil, it has a way of dragging that heart farther down. A wealthy man on one occasion wanted to hire a driver to drive him along a very narrow road bordered by a steep drop-off. Each applicant was asked how close he could come to the edge of the road without going over. After various drivers had told how close they thought they could come, one answered that he would keep as far as he could from the edge. He was hired. We too, who know the Lord, should have sense enough to remove our foot far from the temptation of evil (v. 8), not even to go near to the door of a foolish woman. The least giving in to temptation will practically always lead to further yielding.
“The heart is often led astray by the eye”, is no understatement! If in verse 36 we have a positive request (“Incline my heart … ”), in this verse we have a negative request: “Turn away mine eyes … ”. How quickly we are defiled by a look! How quickly we are distracted by what our eyes observe, how quickly deviated from the Lord's way for us: “ … quicken Thou me in Thy way”. Here again, the Lord will not do for us what we must do for ourselves. The apostle Paul tells us: “ … make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof” (Rom. 13:14). Someone has said that it is the “second look” that is sin! He meant, that when you walk in the street and you see an unclean thing, a pornographic picture, you cannot help that. But when you stop, or turn to look again, that is deliberate! By turning, or stopping to look again, we are actually making provision for the flesh.
Verses
- 1 Thessalonians 5:22hold aloof from every form of wickedness.
- 1 Thessalonians 4:3–83For this is [the] will of God, [even] your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication; 4that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honour, 5(not in passionate desire, even as the nations who know not God,) 6not overstepping the rights of and wronging his brother in the matter, because the Lord [is] the avenger of all these things, even as we also told you before, and have fully testified. 7For God has not called us to uncleanness, but in sanctification. 8He therefore that [in this] disregards [his brother], disregards, not man, but God, who has given also his Holy Spirit to you.
- Ephesians 5:3But fornication and all uncleanness or unbridled lust, let it not be even named among you, as it becomes saints;