How can I stop being a people-pleaser?

In seeking to avoid being a man-pleaser, some fall into the opposite evil of becoming exceedingly displeasing. The apostle sought to “please all men in all things” in view of their profit (1 Cor. 10:33). Nevertheless, when the truth was in question, he wrote, “Do I seek to please men? If I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ” (Gal. 1:10). On the one hand he sought in his walk and ways to commend himself “to every man’s conscience” (2 Cor. 4:2), and on the other he laboured “to be agreeable” to God; on the right hand and on the left he was therefore well equipped for the fight of faith. He became all things to all men that he might save some, yet he upheld the truth of the gospel “not as pleasing men, but God, who trieth our hearts” (1 Thess. 2:4). That is what will preserve us from falling on the one side or the other—being pleasing to God! We are exhorted “not to please ourselves,” but that every one please his neighbour for his good to edification. For even Christ pleased not Himself (Rom. 15:2); nay, blessed be His Holy Name, “I do always those things that please” the Father, He could say; and the Father said, “Thou art My beloved Son, in Thee I am well pleased.” Enoch walked with God and was taken away before the flood; so the saints will be translated from the earth to be with the Lord before the flood of worldwide judgment—“the wrath to come.” But meanwhile may we so walk that Enoch’s testimony may be ours also, “for before his translation he had this testimony, that HE PLEASED GOD” (Heb. 11:5).

Paul didn't seek to satisfy people, but God. If pleasing people is made my object in anything, I am certainly not the servant of Christ in that thing. People want the flesh (our sinful nature inherited from Adam) pampered, but nothing less than the judgment of the flesh can satisfy God. Paul would not intentionally attempt to displease anyone, for that would be equally wrong. But the eternal glory of God, the exaltation of Christ as infinitely above all others, must be paramount to one called as a servant of God.

In verse 10 we have Paul's answer to such words: "For am I now conciliating men, or God? or am I now seeking to please men?" The word translated "conciliate" really is "persuade." These false teachers had said, Paul is trying to persuade men to follow him by being all things to all men. (See 1 Cor. 9:22.) Paul answers, You may judge for yourselves. What am I doing now? Am I seeking to please you in this letter? Am I now seeking to please men, or God? They knew very well that Paul was not trying to please them, or to please any man. It is well for us to remember that if we seek to please men, then we are not Christ's slaves. (Gal. 1:10.) The slave of Christ must have his eye fixed on his Master, and seek only to please Him. This is a word we all need to remember.

In verse 23 we read, "A man's pride shall bring him low, but honor shall uphold the humble in spirit." It should be connected with the proverb in chapter 26:12, "Seest thou a man wise in his own conceits? There is more hope of a fool than of him." Pride always brings low; humility always brings up. The highest place is the lowest place. "The fear of man bringeth a snare; but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe" (verse 25). The fear of man is born of unbelief. The Christian who fears man shows clearly that he is not looking to the Lord, but to man. The fear of man surely bringeth a snare, it leads to men-pleasing and men-praising. And because one seeks the honor which comes from man and not the honor which cometh from God only, man, his approval or disapproval, is feared. The fear of man is as dangerous, as subtle and as un-christianlike as flattery, talebearing, backbiting, whispering and the other evil things mentioned in these proverbs.

Now, we find in this scripture before us, that bold and uncompromising testimony for Christ is connected with this holy elevation above men's thoughts, and this calm reliance upon our Father's minute and tender care. If my heart is lifted above the influence of the fear of man, and sweetly tranquillised by the assurance that God takes account of the hairs of my head, then I am in a condition of soul to confess Christ before men. (See ver. 8-10) Nor need I be careful as to the result of this confession, for so long as God wants me here, He will maintain me here. "And when they bring you to the synagogues, and to magistrates, and powers, take ye no thought how or what thing ye shall answer, or what ye shall say; for the Holy Ghost shall teach you in the same hour what ye ought to say." The only proper ground of testimony for Christ is to be fully delivered from human influence, and established in unqualified confidence in God. So far as I am influenced by, or a debtor to, men, so far am I disqualified for being a servant of Christ; but I can only be effectually delivered from human influence by a lively faith in God. When God fills the heart, there is no room for the creature; and we may be perfectly sure of this, that no man has ever taken the trouble to count the hairs of our head; we have not even taken that trouble ourselves; but God has, and therefore I can trust God more than anyone. God is perfectly sufficient for every exigency, great or small, and we only want to trust Him to know that He is.

"The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe."

The connection with the previous verse is obvious. One who is partner with a thief would fear to expose the thief. If I put myself under obligation to man, in that measure will the fear of man influence me; and I am ensnared by my own fear. But how dreadful a thing that through fear of offending a mere man, I may find myself in the position of positively offending God! The only safety from such snares is a dependent, genuine trust in the Lord. This means no confidence in the flesh, for it is choosing the Lord as the soul's confidence rather than anything or anyone else.

The fear of man is cast out by a greater fear, the fear of God. Nothing but the fear of God can cast out the fear of man. We shall stand in awe of men round about us, if the fear of God does not control us. But the Lord says, "Be not afraid of them that kill the body." In the plainest possible language He cheers us, for the fear of God works most blessedly in the heart. Then He asks: "Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows."

The case of Peter is a more common one, however, for have we not all too frequently found ourselves in his company as regards the sadness of his failure when his Master faced the cruelest hour of man's persecution? What powerful enemy so weakened this fervent, affectionate follower of the Lord Jesus? Simply "the fear of man," which "bringeth a snare." Can it be that this man, so naturally bold and courageous, will cringe and speak falsehood when confronted by a woman? Alas, how weak are our hearts! But why should he be afraid? He had before assured the Lord he was ready to go with Him to prison and to death (Luke 22:33). At that moment, though, the Lord must go first to the garden of Gethsemane, where His soul was poured out in agonizing prayer to God, in holy preparation for the deeper agony of the cross. Peter neglected such preparation, and was asleep. What a lesson for us! In the things of God, natural courage will fail. Only God's divine power and grace can sustain us and preserve us from fear. "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee" (Ps. 56:3). "I will trust, and not be afraid" (Isa. 12:2). Most strikingly, Isaiah 51:12-13 shows that fear, no less than the other evils we have noted, is the product of mere pride, little as we might it think so: "Who art thou, that thou shouldest be afraid of a man that shall die, and of the son of man which shall be made as grass; and forgettest the Lord thy Maker, that hath stretched forth the heavens, and laid the foundations of the earth?" Is this not a stern and righteous reproof to our foolish fear of man? The results of Peter's fear were humiliating in the extreme, nor shall we escape reaping what we sow. Yet divine grace did, and does, wonderfully restore.

He pleads his fear of the people, which, if true, showed his incapacity for all true rule. For "he that ruleth over men must be just, ruling in the fear of God "; and the fear of man is inconsistent with the fear of God. It bringeth a snare. Scripture abounds with illustrations of this. It is the bane of the life, even of many a child of God — a shrinking from the path of full surrender to Him, in the fear of what flesh can do or say.

Would to God His people could be content today with His approbation! How much is our walk really in the sight of men, instead of being in the sight of God! How largely we are influenced by the opinion of the world! How we shrink from the pathway of Him who was despised and rejected of men! And if we flatter ourselves that we disregard the judgment which the world may pass upon us, perhaps our brethren come in between us and the light of His face, and lest we should be cold-shouldered by them we take up a path of uncertainty before God. Oh, to have the courage of our convictions! Oh, to exercise ourselves “to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men”! Pride of heart, confidence in self, the influence of the world, the fear of man; these are evils from which may God be pleased to deliver His beloved saints.