What does the Bible say about family conflict?

Now he must meet Esau, and with a servility that is not becoming to a brother, he bows himself seven times to the ground (v.3). Of course it was conscience and fear that made him do this, but Esau had no such attitude. He ran to meet his brother, embraced him and kissed him. Then both of them wept. Time had made a difference with Esau particularly. What a relief for Jacob! Indeed, family feuds should never be allowed to continue long without a reconciliation. Only an unusually hard heart could maintain bitter rancor against a brother for long years.

Following the divine instructions for husband and wife, and the precious revelation of the truth of the relation of the church to Christ, comes the exhortations to children and fathers. Children are to obey their parents in the Lord because it is the right thing to do; parental authority having been ordained of God from the beginning and commanded in the law. Obedience in the Lord supposes that no command from the parents is contrary to the Lord's will, but is rather the expression of His will for the child. We live in a day when honour to parents is not the rule in the world, and such a state emphasises the privilege belonging to the children of Christian households of adorning the doctrine of God our Saviour in showing the honour becoming to parents. Under the law, a promise of well-being and long life accompanied this commandment; how much greater then will be the divine blessing, under grace, for those who obey. Fathers are to be watchful lest they provoke their children to anger. Much harm has been done to children by overbearing fathers enforcing their own wills and not the Lord's, and by rash and harsh judgments. Children require careful and prayerful handling, which casts the parents upon the Lord, that His discipline and admonition, with its wisdom, grace, and kindness might be ministered to them.

Children are called to yield implicit obedience to their parents. This is their divine role. Parents are to beware of provoking their children to wrath by arbitrary conduct, by exhibiting partiality towards one more than another, and by needless crossing of the will of the child merely to make a display of parental authority. The child should ever see that the parent has his real interest at heart and that true love is the motive spring of every act. But we must insist on the obedience of children, even in this age of independence — an age specially marked by disobedience to parents and by gross disrespect.

How painful it is to have to live in a divided family! The Lord Jesus warns his disciples in this respect: “I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a man’s foes will be those of his own household” (Matt. 10:35,36). How many tensions arise when one member of a family turns to the Lord and the others are opposed: lack of understanding, sometimes overt acts of hostility, and in some countries even persecution. We should be very grateful if the grace has been granted to us to live in a closely-knit family where each member loves the Lord and seeks to serve Him! A beautiful example is offered us by “the house of Stephanas … the firstfruits of Achaia” who had “devoted themselves to the saints for service” (1 Cor. 16:15). They all belonged to the Lord, and each one desired to serve Him.

Attention to this injunction is the more needful for the reason given, "that your prayers be not hindered." It is pre-supposed that husband and wife will habitually unite in prayer; and hence the warning is, that any failure in the husband to give honour unto his wife will tend to disturb harmony of feeling, and thus to hinder prayer. It were well if all Christian husbands and wives would often ponder these words. For in the activities of this present time there is great danger of neglecting this united prayer; and the slightest disturbance of concord will ever tempt them to neglect it the more. Satan knows this, and hence he ever seeks to cloud over the peace of these relationships; for he does not forget that it is impossible for husband and wife to go together to the throne of grace when there is the smallest discord in their hearts. The husband must watch against this snare, remembering the importance of their prayers not being hindered. For how many things are there constantly occurring in every family which need to be spread out before God! And how blessed it is when husband and wife can go together, with one heart, concerning every difficulty and perplexity, to the throne of grace!

(4.) There is one thing the husband is taught to avoid: "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." (Col. 3:19.) It might be thought that if the 'love' were secured there would be no place left for the 'bitterness.' But is it so in the actual experience of life? Many a husband who truly loves his wife drops, in moments of unwatchfulness, when out of the presence of God, hasty words, which are as bitter as gall to a tender heart. The object of the warning seems thus to be to secure the constant exercise of a spirit of self-judgment, so that the husband may avoid everything that might fret or irritate the spirit of his wife. Bitterness-whatever the provocation-is to be carefully eschewed; and it will be done the more easily if he but remember his responsibility to love his wife, even as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for it.

Even that proud monarch Herod, and that representative of Rome, Pilate, the governor, who were at enmity before, were reconciled at the base rejection of Jesus. What shall mark those who are accepted in His eternal acceptance before God? “Go, be reconciled to thy brother” (Matt. 5:24). Has unnecessary estrangement came in between wife and husband? Let her “be reconciled to her husband” (1 Cor. 7:11). Has alienation troubled members of a family where Christ is owned as Lord? Surely the sweetness of reconciliation will be solicited and secured where God’s grace is experimentally rejoiced in. How good is the rich blessing of the reconciliation which is of God!— Sinners, at enmity once, now reconciled to God Himself.

JACOB. In Jacob we find family dealings characterized by God's mercy to him, in spite of all his trickery and artful ways. There is contention in the flesh for the things God had promised. In spite of all, God makes good all blessing connected with Christ. With Christians now God has to break down the flesh, and then what can they do? Nothing but cry to God. What marked Esau is what so often marks believers now - flesh, which only cares for the gifts of God so far as they minister to the flesh; or, like Jacob, they value God's gifts, but seek to take them in their own way. In due time we see God leaves the empty professor, and takes up the younger, the one on whom He had set His eye, and brings him back to the father's house. We see the sovereignty of God's love in all that. Again, God shows His sovereignty in the choice He made of Moses and Aaron to their specific services. The honour was put upon Moses altogether at first, but he breaks down; and then we see that his special service was that of mediator, Aaron that of high priest. God settles whose name shall be written in the book of life., but there is a speciality of place which He settles also. God ordered that Isaac should have the place of being the expression of the Son in communion with the family as head upon earth. In Isaac's personal history we find he fails as to his children. "Isaac loved Esau, Rebecca loved Jacob;" and there was want of fellowship between Isaac and Rebecca. This want of fellowship is almost always productive of a split in families. If the child sees partiality in parents, all confidence in their love is gone. There is nothing more important than for children to see perfect oneness of. mind in the parents as to putting, their will in its place. The end of Isaac's course was a quiet one, and very blessed.

The opening word contrasts the immense superiority of a peaceful household with hard fare, over one where plenty is found, embittered by contention, or, as is here energetically said, "full of the sacrifices of strife." Love and peace may abound through Christ where is little else; only unhappiness abides where He is unknown, were all there that wealth can supply.

The mention of father and mother, brother and sister points us to the closeness of our family relationships. God naturally intended this to be so and He has given us these emotional bonds. What we learn here is not, of course, that there should be no love in the families of believers who wish to live for the Lord. It is rather a matter of showing that there may be situations in which a conflict arises between the will of our God and the claims of our relatives. In such situations we should consciously give priority to God’s will. For those whom God has given the privilege of having believing relatives, such conflicts will be less common. In the case of unbelieving relatives, on the other hand, there will be no lack of examples (e.g. celebrations or functions in which we cannot participate without being defiled).

The Lord also calls us, saying ‘Follow me!’ (Luke 9:59). If we have not set our priorities correctly and give father or mother, brother or sister (and we can surely add: friend) priority over the will of God, then we resemble the one who said, ‘Lord, allow me to go first and bury my father’. The answer he received was: ‘Suffer the dead to bury their own dead, but do thou go and announce the kingdom of God’ (Luke 9:59, 60). The Lord wants us to take account of our family relationships, but He wishes to be given first place as His entitlement. ‘He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me’ (Mt. 10:37 KJV). The pressure of circumstances should not be allowed to prevail over our consecration to God.

Satan is very active today in the homes of the saints. I want to address myself to those who are husbands and wives because we cannot expect a true functioning of the assembly, either in worship or in testimony, if there are not proper conditions in the home, with both husband and wife fully committed to the interests of the Lord. Much of the weakness and declension that exists in the Christian testimony begins at home. Many of the problems that are in the homes are carried into the assembly and the conditions are sadly affected. Paul is saying ‘Husbands, wives, settle all your difficulties, get right with the Lord, get right with one another and find your true place in the assembly for the glory of Christ and for the glory of God'. Dear brethren, Satan is attacking the homes of the saints in perhaps a way he has never done before. In our part of the world in recent years we know of six Christian homes that have been affected by Satan, divorce has come in and how sad that is. Dear brethren, let us hear the warning, the enemy is attacking the homes of the saints. Divorce and breakdown in the family is a dishonour to the Lord. I cannot state it in stronger terms. Husbands and wives need to be devoted to the Lord and sink their differences, whatever they may be, forgive each other and live together in a way that is becoming to the Lord Jesus Christ and to God. What was happening at Corinth was a disgrace to the position that God had brought them into. Young men, young women, if you are looking to get married do not enter into it casually, do not trifle with each other's affections. Marriage is a matter of the greatest importance. Think about it, pray about it, and enter into it with all the solemnity that it requires because if this breaks down, again I say, it is a positive dishonour to the Lord's name. Do not think that because this kind of thing characterises the world that it can be allowed in the Christian circle; it must be refused.