What does the Bible say about emotional abuse?

Next comes the word to the husbands. "Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them." v. 19. The wife needs not to be exhorted to love her husband; it is assumed that therein her affections are all right. But it is very possible the husband might allow anxiety and outward pressure of life so to occupy him that he might not take sufficient care of his wife or interest in her anxieties; accordingly, this is the exhortation for him. The wife is necessarily thrown upon her husband; she leaves father, mother, and all, and is cast peculiarly upon her husband; and if he be not watchful, he may fail in thoughtful love, in the attention of every day, not sufficiently guarding his temper, which seems to be what is meant by being "bitter." There should be this affection for the wife, this vigilance against the influence of circumstances; the outward world might often occasion irritation, and then the husband is liable to vent his spleen at home, especially on his wife. This is human nature and what we know too often happens; but it is not Christ; and here it is guarded against. "Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them." Let none presume to think it needless.

In the same order parents and children appear, the fathers, however, more particularly. "Children, obey your parents in all things; for this is well pleasing in [the] Lord." Here this also is put quite absolutely. We know elsewhere there are landmarks to guard us. It is evident neither a father nor a husband has any title to insist on what is contrary to the Lord; but accordance is assumed here. What the Apostle urges is that the children should in all things obey their parents. And how good is obedience! Scripture elsewhere brings in a limit, but not here. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord" furnishes a very important restriction; at any rate it defines the sphere of obedience; it determines how and how far one ought to go. As a rule, even a bad father would like to have a good child. Many who drink or swear would be very sorry for their sons to do the same. "Children, obey your parents in all things; for this is well pleasing to or in the Lord." This directs us simply to the Lord as the One to whom this obedience is acceptable, but well pleasing in the Lord goes a great deal farther. It is not the bare fact of regarding the Lord as the ultimate judge, who then will be pleased; but the Christian has the consciousness of the Lord's love now and of His interest in all his ways and trials day by day. No doubt He will manifest His judgment of all that was done in the body by-and-by; but this should only strengthen the Christian now to do that which is well pleasing in the Lord. The best authorities are unanimous that it should be here "in the Lord" rather than "to the Lord." It is well pleasing that children should obey their parents, not naturally only, but (for the Christian, let it be) in the Lord. "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." v. 21. The mother is not thus exhorted, for as a rule her general fault is to spoil them. There is nothing that more discourages a child than a parent's continual needless fault-finding. Again, where a child is punished without deserving it, what can be more apt to create distrust, and so weaken the springs of love and respect?

Attention to this injunction is the more needful for the reason given, "that your prayers be not hindered." It is pre-supposed that husband and wife will habitually unite in prayer; and hence the warning is, that any failure in the husband to give honour unto his wife will tend to disturb harmony of feeling, and thus to hinder prayer. It were well if all Christian husbands and wives would often ponder these words. For in the activities of this present time there is great danger of neglecting this united prayer; and the slightest disturbance of concord will ever tempt them to neglect it the more. Satan knows this, and hence he ever seeks to cloud over the peace of these relationships; for he does not forget that it is impossible for husband and wife to go together to the throne of grace when there is the smallest discord in their hearts. The husband must watch against this snare, remembering the importance of their prayers not being hindered. For how many things are there constantly occurring in every family which need to be spread out before God! And how blessed it is when husband and wife can go together, with one heart, concerning every difficulty and perplexity, to the throne of grace!

(4.) There is one thing the husband is taught to avoid: "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." (Col. 3:19.) It might be thought that if the 'love' were secured there would be no place left for the 'bitterness.' But is it so in the actual experience of life? Many a husband who truly loves his wife drops, in moments of unwatchfulness, when out of the presence of God, hasty words, which are as bitter as gall to a tender heart. The object of the warning seems thus to be to secure the constant exercise of a spirit of self-judgment, so that the husband may avoid everything that might fret or irritate the spirit of his wife. Bitterness-whatever the provocation-is to be carefully eschewed; and it will be done the more easily if he but remember his responsibility to love his wife, even as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for it.

Husbands are no less responsible. They are to love their wives. Let them make no excuse for not doing so! They are not told to enforce their wives' submission, but real love for the wife would encourage her submission. It is a sad necessity that requires the added words, "do not be bitter toward them" (v.19). Often a husband expects his wife to measure up to a certain standard, and if she does not, he may disobey Scripture by being bitter toward her. He may well ask himself, what standard does he himself measure up to? -- for it is not the standard of Scripture. His bitterness will certainly not encourage either her love or her submission to him. If he obeys Scripture by truly loving his wife and not being bitter toward her, this is the only way he will influence her attitude ;and actions for good. On the other hand, the obedience of the wife to Scripture in practicing a gracious submission of faith will go far in properly influencing her husband.

Now He takes up the law in its various parts, at least what has to do with men. Here He does not enter into what touches God directly, but first of all takes up that which flows from human violence, and after this the great flagrant example of human corruption; for violence and corruption are the two outstanding forms of human iniquity. Before the flood even, such was the condition of men: "The earth was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence." Here, in verse 21, we have the light of the kingdom cast on the command, "Thou shalt not kill: and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment." The law took cognizance of this extreme form of violence; but our Lord gives length, breadth, height, and depth to it: "But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire" (ver. 22). That is, our Lord treats as now coming under the same category with murder, in the sight of God, every kind of violence, and feeling, and expression; anything of contempt and hatred, whatever expresses the ill-feeling of the heart; any putting down of another, the will to annihilate others as far as character or influence is concerned: all this is no better than murder in God's searching eye. He is expanding the law; He is showing now One who looks at and judges the feeling of the heart. Therefore it is not at all a question merely of the consequences of violence to a man, for there might be no very bad effect produced by these words of anger, but they proved the state of the heart; and this is what the Lord is dealing with here. "Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee, leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way: first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift" (vers. 23, 24). He is not yet manifesting the Christian in his entire separation from the Jewish system. These words clearly show a connection with Israel — though the principle applies to a Christian; for the altar has no reference to the Lord's table.

If we come to particulars, "all bitterness," I think, denotes every form of the sharp, unsparing mood which repels souls instead of winning them, and makes the most of the real or imagined faults of others. The "wrath and anger," next following, refer to the outburst of passion, and the more settled vindictive resentment, to which the indulgence of acrimony gives rise, a "clamour and evil speaking" are their respective counterparts in words: all flowing from the deep-seated fountain of "all malice," which is finally condemned in our verse. Thus, as we were warned against dishonesty in word and deed, before the allusion to the Holy Spirit's seal, so now, after it, hatred in its various parts and expressions is denounced. It is, alas, natural to the first man Adam — the same corruption and violence which brought the flood on the world of old, but, spite of God's judgment, renewed itself, and will, till Christ deal with man and Satan in person.

V. 21. Fathers are to beware lest they assert their authority in an arbitrary way, and thus estrange the child's affection by any unjust punishment; or dishearten the child by needless fault-finding. They are to seek to exhibit that perfect wisdom of Christ, Who knew how to correct His disciples while retaining their affections (Luke 22:24-30).

Ephesians 6:4 also says that we should ‘not provoke’ our children ‘to anger’. There are three things that can contribute to this. Firstly, a selfish attitude. If we constantly demand things from our children by saying, ‘Do this quickly’ or ‘Bring me that now’, we virtually treat them as slaves. Such selfish behaviour can provoke and discourage them, as well as lead them to give up trying to please us. Secondly, an uncontrolled temper. If, after a hard day at work when everything seems to have gone wrong, our little boy does something silly at home and we explode, he does not know what has hit him. Why? Because he senses when he should be punished but in this case he asks himself, ‘What did I do wrong?’ He cannot understand why we reacted in this way. We should be mature enough to control our tempers. Thirdly, unreasonable expectations. We cannot expect a two-year-old to do what is normal for a five-year-old. She may try to do it but without success, which will lead her to become frustrated and provoke her to anger. In 1 John 2:12–28 we find three stages of spiritual growth among the children of God: fathers, young men and little children. John addresses them in different ways according to their maturity and experience so let us be wise and bring up our children according to their age and ability.

It may be said that there are many families who seem very particular about their morning and evening reading and prayer, and yet their whole domestic history, from morning till night, is a flagrant contradiction of their so-called religious service. It may be that the head of the house, instead of shedding sunlight upon the family circle, is morose in his temper, rude and coarse in his manners, rough and contradictory to his wife, arbitrary and severe to his children, unreasonable and exacting to his servants, finding fault with what is laid on the table, after having asked God's blessing upon it; and, in short, in every way giving the lie to his reading and his prayer in the family. So also as to the wife and the mother; and the children and the servants. The whole domestic economy is out of order. There is disorder and confusion; meals are unpunctual; there is a want of kindly consideration one of another; the children are rude, selfish and wilful; the servants are thoughtless, wasteful and disobedient, if not much worse. The tone, atmosphere, and style of the entire establishment are unchristian, ungodly, utterly unbecoming.

The same year Russell brought a libel suit against Rev. J.J. Ross, of Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, which he lost. Writing of the divorce Mr. Ross says: “It came out in the evidence that his ‘conceit,’ ‘egotism,’ and ‘domination’ were such as to make life intolerable to any sensitive woman. Second, that his conduct in relation to other women was improper. Third, that on one occasion he was silent to his wife for four weeks, and only communicated with her by letters of a reproachful character. Fourth, that he sought by most despicable means to isolate his wife from society, and designed to get her pronounced insane in order to put her away.”

Thirdly, we are reminded that the Lord was One, "Who when He was reviled, reviled not again; when He suffered, He threatened not." In the presence of insults, false accusation, and malicious charges, He remained silent. When falsely accused before the Jewish Council, He "held His peace." To the accusations of the Jews, in the presence of Pilate, "He answered nothing." To Pilate, himself, "He answered never a word." The mocking Herod may question Him in many words, "but He answered him nothing" (Matt. 26:63; Matt. 27:12, 14; Luke 23:9). How good for us to follow in His steps and, in the presence of the malicious words of men, come from what quarter they may, to keep silence. From other Scriptures it is clear that the Christian may "entreat," "exhort," and even "rebuke," but never is he to revile or threaten.

Fourthly, He "committed Himself to Him that judges righteously." To do no sin, to speak no guile, to keep silence in the presence of malicious words, have a negative character. This last step is positive. If we keep silence in the presence of insults, it is not that there is no answer to evil and malice, but rather that the answer is left with God. We are never to attempt to take vengeance upon the wrongdoer. God retains all vengeance in His own hands. He has said, "Vengeance belongs to Me, I will recompense, says the Lord. And again, The Lord shall judge His people" (Hebrews 10:30). Our part then is to follow in the steps of the Lord Jesus, and in the presence of insults to commit ourselves to Him that judges righteously, remembering that word which says, "Avenge not yourselves, but rather give place to wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine: I will repay says the Lord" (Rom. 12:19). Again we may recall the words of the prophet, "Jehovah is good to them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him. It is good that one should both wait, and that in silence, for the salvation of Jehovah" (Lam. 3:24-26).