What does the Bible say about dealing with difficult people?

Much that is written in the Book of Proverbs is a reiteration of what is written before, which surely indicates a very real need on our part to be reminded again and again of what is wise and becoming. We may think it faithfulness to strongly, even harshly, reprove the words of an unwise person but God tells us, "A soft answer turns away wrath" (v. 1). For gentle words can still be faithful and true, and it is wise to cultivate a habit of calm, sober wisdom in answering unwise words. For "a harsh word stirs up strife." And the servant of the Lord must not strive, and should be gentle to all, able to teach, and patient (2 Tim. 2:24).

But suppose a brother or sister is difficult to walk with. Long-suffering is to be the motto. Not suffering once or twice, but LONG-suffering, it may be for long years.

Romans 12:18. "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." All who know what human nature is, what the affairs of life are, know the difficulty of living at peace with all men. The apostle acknowledges the difficulty and limits the injunction by saying, "If it be possible." But the precept is plain and the duty most important; and the believer, notwithstanding the difficulty, is to do all in his power to live at peace with all men. "As much as lieth in you" — as to what is of you, as far as depends on you, live in the spirit of peace with all. The Christian is called, not only to preserve peace, but to be a peace-maker; and a blessing of peculiar honour and dignity belongs to all such. "Blessed are the peace-makers, for they shall be called the children of God." To recompense evil for evil necessarily leads to contention and strife, while peace is the happy fruit of a forgiving disposition.

But here, again, my soul, thou must weigh up things. Consider, I pray thee, that from the wickedness of those by whom thou art surrounded this may sometimes be impossible; but let nothing fail on thy part; ever guard against giving any occasion to any one to complain of thee. Living near to God is the surest way of living in peace with men; for when a man's ways please the Lord, He maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him. Avoid the snare of courting the favour and the praise of men, for this will surely lead thee to unfaithfulness in thy testimony. Some, in this way, may think themselves possessed of the spirit of peace; but it is rather a spirit of selfish indifference to the claims of Christ, and the salvation of our neighbours.

Romans 12:20. "Therefore, if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink; for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head." The true Christian, notwithstanding his inoffensive walk, may have enemies, but he must not be the enemy of any man. Such is his position of grace in this world. He is called by the loftiest motives to be the true friend of all mankind. Instead of being his own avenger, he bends before the storm, looking to God, and seeks to render good service to his enemy in his need and distress. "If thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink." He not only abstains from vengeance, he manifests love. How truly sublime is the standard of the grace of God for His children's ways! He returns good for evil, kindness for injury, blessing for cursing. The expressions, feed him and give him drink, are figurative of all the duties of benevolence. By these means he seeks to conquer the enmity of his persecutors, and even change them into his friends.

"For in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head." Amongst the many interpretations which have been given of this somewhat difficult passage, we accept the one most generally received, and which best suits the whole context. To heap coals of fire on an enemy's head is to care for him feast him, and treat him kindly, as the most effectual means of subduing him, of melting him down. Who ever conquered an enemy's heart by revenge? How many have been conquered by love? What was it that dissolved the hardness of our unyielding hearts? A Saviour's love. "Let the effort be tried," says Charles Bridges; "surround the intractable metal beneath and above; not only putting it over the fire, but heaping coals of fire upon it. Few hearts are so obdurate as not to melt under the energy of patient, self-denying, burning love. If thine enemy will not recompense thee for all the good done to him, concern not thyself with that. The Lord shall reward thee. The God of love will honour His own image in His own children."

It is noteworthy that personal trespass between brother and brother is the first disturbing element mentioned in Scripture in connection with the gathering together of the saints to the name of the Lord Jesus, and He proceeds to lay down in the most simple and explicit manner what is to be our line of conduct under such circumstances. Let us carefully consider these important communications. "If thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone." Mark well, in the first place, there is to be no making light of the trespass: "Tell him his fault." In the gospel of Luke (Luke 17:3) it is even stated more strongly than this: "If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him: and if he repent, forgive him." The natural course might be to avoid him, and to say nothing to him about his fault; or we might be determined in our own mind to bear the injury in longsuffering towards the offender, and, as it is sometimes expressed, "try to live it down." Such might at first sight seem very plausible, and have the appearance of grace on my part; but it omits one all-important item of consideration; viz., the spiritual condition of my offending brother; and whoever may commend it, it is certainly not the Lord's way of treating the matter. Besides, staying away from my brother might leave a tinge of bad feeling in my own heart; and even if it did not, am I to rest while knowing that the conscience of my erring brother is defiled? (See Lev. 19:17.) No. I am to go and plainly lay his fault before him; for if he is to be truly recovered it must be through the exercise of conscience and the judgment of his state before God. "Go and tell him his fault" are words that cannot very well be mistaken. It is not even, "Go and write him a note." Alas! who can measure the mischief that has come in among God's people by this very thing, either through ignorance of the Lord's mind about such matters, or through failing to act upon it when known. To send what I think a very faithful letter may both spare my feelings and suit my pride; but He who knows us far, far better than we know ourselves says plainly, "Go and TELL him his fault."

Then, again, what wisdom and grace are embodied in the next few words - "Between thee and him alone." Yet is it not sadly too common to discuss a personal trespass somewhat more publicly than this? Perhaps there is some brother whom we know to be not on the most amicable terms with the one who has injured us. We have but little doubt that he (i.e., the brother just referred to) will lend a ready ear to the tale of our wrongs, and the danger is that, in our selfishness, we go to him, though, if we considered his soul's welfare, he would be the last person in the assembly to whom such a thing would be breathed. But it suits us better to share the story of our grievance with others, who may be ready to sympathize with us, and tell us how shamefully we have been treated, and the like, than to go and seek "to gain" the one who has done us an injustice. How is this? It is much to be feared that we are not altogether sorry to be able to inflict a punishment upon our brother by lowering him in the estimation of others. But is it obedience to the Word thus to act? Is it the Spirit of Christ? Is it not rather only another, though more subtle, form of the same flesh that manifested itself in our brother's trespass?

Next comes a sentence of the very deepest importance to us - "If he hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother." Does not this let us into the secret of why I am to tell him his fault, and why it is to be between him and me alone? It is "to gain" my brother. The Lord had, just before (v. 12), been speaking of His own search among the mountains for the lost sheep, and of His joy when the straying one was brought back, in order, no doubt, that we might see the value which He put upon one of His own, and that we might learn to act toward them accordingly. Notice here that nothing is said about the redress of any wrongs. The Lord does not say that "if he hear thee, all thy wrongs shall be put right," but, "If he hear thee, thou has gained thy brother." No doubt, if grace really works in him, if he is really "gained," one of the earliest fruits of it will be an ardent desire for the redress of those injuries; but the securing of this is not to be the motive which prompts me to go to him. Leaving my wrongs with the Lord, I am to seek my brother's blessing. But this going to "gain" him will necessarily put my own soul through deepest exercises. If, in true love to him, I am set upon his recovery in a righteous way, what godly watchfulness and carefulness will be wrought in me? With what earnestness and fervent desire shall I plead for him before God! When a bird has left his cage, any rude hand or discordant voice can drive him further away; but how great the care and caution that is exercised by the one who really desires to bring him back to food and shelter! If my errand to my brother were only to pain him, the task might easily be accomplished without a particle of exercise; but if I am to gain him, then grace must work both in him and in me.

But now we proceed a step farther. Suppose that the best-intentioned efforts to restore my brother prove fruitless, what then? Am I therefore to take it for granted that he is henceforth beyond recovery? Not so. How do I know that my manner of dealing with him was not the cause of my failure? Or perhaps our interview has made the discovery to him that I have put what he considers to be an unwarrantable colour upon his conduct, or attributed motives to him which he is conscious he never had. In that case, I should only have given to him what he judges a righteous ground for resisting me, and have left him harder than I found him. I am therefore now to take with me "one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established." And even should this prove unavailing, another step is yet to be taken; the assembly must be told. If, after all this, the offender still manifest wilfulness, if repentance be not wrought in him, the word then is, "Let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican;" for there is no higher court of appeal for the saint upon earth than the "two or three" gathered to the name of the Lord. (vv. 18-20.)

"Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him." The connection here with the previous verse is evident. A fool will argue for the sake of ridicule, with no real reasonableness. It is a mistake therefore to lower oneself to the same unwholesome level of argument. Heated words are likely to betray a believer into the use of the same unsound argument and ridicule. Thus we make ourselves like the one whom we so resent! A fool's objections ought to find us most careful to weigh our answers well. 2 Timothy 2:2.3 is directly to the point here: "Foolish and unlearned (or unsubject) questions avoid, knowing that they do gender strifes."

Yet there is a delicate balance to be observed here, and there follows what appears on the surface a contradiction, though it is of course no such thing: "Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit."While mere argument on the same basis is to be avoided, yet it may be most necessary that a fool should be answered in such a way that his argument will be exposed as folly, without any resorting to argument, as Titus 1:9 implies. "that he may be able by sound doctrine both to exhort, and to convince (or refute) the gainsayers." The wisdom of the Lord Jesus inanswering contentious men illustrates this beautifully. Rather than merely answering their cunning questions, he answered the men. Consider Luke 10:25-37 and Matthew 22:15-22. There could then be no argument: they were silenced.

"But foolish and unlearned (unsubject) questions avoid, knowing that they do gender strifes. And the servant of the Lord must not strive." The truth is too vital and precious to be made a subject of mere argument. Foolish questions are commonly an indicator of a heart not willing to be subject to the Word of God: these require no answer, but must be avoided, or will only lead to strife. At a time when divisions have sorely rent the testimony of God, and when genuine godliness is little esteemed, such questions are the more urged by those who would reduce the truth to a level of indifference or worse. If one is genuinely concerned to know the answer to a question, let us seek his proper help; but if asking questions with the evident intention of disputing against the truth, he deserves no answer.

There can be no satisfactory conclusion in a case like this: the wisest, clearest arguments are likely only to enrage a foolish man, or to invite him to derisive laughter. For this reason it is wise to "go from the presence of a foolish man, when thou perceivest not in him the lips of knowledge." "Foolish and unlearned questions" we are to avoid (2 Tim. 2:23).

This is not of course the case of a weak brother who needs help, but of one who has proven himself determined in his wrong course. It is a perverse attitude, not simply ignorant, but sinful, for his own attitude condemns him. If in leaving him to God, the man is not recovered, he is likely to become more perverted, and go elsewhere to seek a following, for it is this he wants.

Then we are exhorted to be “slow to wrath,” to give “a soft answer” to an angry man. “He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding” (Prov. 14:29). How necessary this is. It is not always wise to say things which in themselves may be quite true. What we say may rankle for years in a man’s mind and fester mentally like a bad case of blood-poisoning.