What does the Bible say about being a Christian husband?

"Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered."-1 PETER 3:7.

THE duty of the husband is quite as simple as that of the wife. As hers is comprised in the word "obedience," his is contained in that of "love." The wife, if a direction sent to a special class be excepted (Titus 2:4), is never commanded to love her husband. It is taken for granted that she will do so; and, as a matter of fact, she seldom fails in this direction. Even though she may be unequally yoked — be united to one who has not the least sympathy with her holiest feelings, and receive little but unkindness, her love will survive the harshest treatment. Crushed and trodden under foot, it will spring up and greet the first display of kindness with a forgiving embrace. It is a perennial fountain. But with the husband it is often otherwise With fewer of the tender emotions, engrossed by his daily occupations, and exposed, it may be, to severer temptations, his danger is to forget his responsibility to love — or at least to manifest his love to — his chosen wife. Hence the Spirit of God recalls his responsibility to mind, and gives this injunction, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it; that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word," etc. (Eph. 5:25-33.)

(1.) Let us consider what is to be the character of the husband's love as here enjoined. "Husbands love your wives, even as Christ loved the church." It is a most wonderful standard; and no doubt here introduced because of the typical character of true marriage, because the primal marriage between Adam and Eve displayed, in figure, the union between Christ and the church. This should ever teach us the sanctity and real character of marriage before God. What then, we may enquire, was the character of Christ's love to the church? The answer is here given. First, He proved it by giving Himself for it (v. 25); and He gave Himself to death for it, and thereby in fact purchased His bride. "He gives Himself; it is not only His life, true as that is, but Himself. All that Christ was has been given, and given by Himself; it is the entire devotedness and giving of Himself. And now all that is in Him — His grace, His righteousness, His acceptance with the Father, His wisdom, the excellent glory of His person, the energy of divine love that can give itself — all is consecrated to the welfare of the assembly. There are no qualities, no excellencies in Christ, which are not ours in their exercise consequent on the gift of Himself. He has already given them, and consecrated them to the blessing of the assembly which He has given Himself to have. Not only are they given, but He has given them; His love has accomplished it." And this gift of Himself is greatly enhanced when we remember that it was upon the cross that this gift was consummated. Secondly, His love is displayed in His sanctifying and cleansing the church with the washing of water by the word. (v. 26.) This exhibition of love is a present thing, that which goes on now, and by which He suits it to Himself. "It is important to remark that Christ does not here sanctify the assembly to make it His own, but makes it His own to sanctify it. It is first His, then He suits it to Himself." The means is the word, the washing of water by the word, the truth taught in John 13 by the washing of the disciples' feet by the Lord. And there, it will be remembered, it is in connection with His love. "Having loved His own that were in the world, he loved them unto the end." The sanctifying and cleansing of the church is thus the expression of His abiding and unchanging love — love that finds its delight in making it morally suitable to Himself, and hence never wearies in watching over, tending, and preparing it for Himself. Thirdly, the fruit of His love is seen in the object He has before Him — "that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it might be holy and without blemish." This refers to the time when the Lord shall have returned to receive His church to Himself, or more exactly, to the period indicated when it is said, "The marriage of the Lamb is come" (Rev. 19:7), when the church as the bride is perfected in glory, "having the glory of God: and her light like unto a stone most Precious, even like a jasper stone, clear as crystal." (Rev. 21:11.) And never until then will the measure and extent of Christ's love for the church be apprehended, because then its effect and consummation will be displayed.

The relationship established brings with it the joys and privileges peculiar to it, "They two shall be one flesh,"-joined in a unity such as no other relationship could possibly exhibit. It is theirs now to share in common the experiences and exercises of live, and what will also be welcome to the honourable heart, the responsibilities that have been willingly assumed by acceptance of one another. In all the experiences of life henceforth, let us firmly purpose to act consistently with this noble and blessed relationship. Let us not however expect in this a perfect state, for if so we shall be rightly disappointed. Indeed, it will be rather a further field of training in view of the perfect state, and it will be well if we gird ourselves to learn well by experiences of joy and sorrow, quietness and turmoil, rest and labour, distress and relief, pain and pleasure.

Ephesians 5 has told us, "Husbands, love your wives." Colossians 3:19 ads: "and be not bitter against them." Love ought only to increase as the years pass, not because of the worthiness of the object, but because of communion with God. The tenderness of proper care, forbearance, understanding, concern for the purest blessing of the wife, should characterize the husband consistently. Let each Christian husband challenge himself whether this is so, and if not, make no excuse, but obey the Word of God.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord" (Eph. 5:22). This is the Divine order. The husband is the head of the wife, and while she is free to make suggestions for consideration of her husband, yet in matters of importance he is to make the final decisions. He is wise if he leaves to her the many minor decisions of homemaking, and to act with due consideration of her preferences also. But it is her very glory to know how to submit with gentle grace and cheerfulness, even if her wishes are not followed.

As the distinguishing feature of the wife's conduct should be subjection, so that of the husband's should be love. “Husbands, love your wives.” The form in the original tongue of both exhortations to the married pair indicates that the act enjoined is to be constant and characteristic. Both the submission of the wife and the love of the husband must be a continuous habit, not an occasional occurrence.

In these guiding principles of piety in the two pillars of the home, it is significant that love is particularly enjoined upon the husband, and not, as might almost have been expected, upon the more tender and susceptible partner, the wife. The husband, therefore, needs, in entering upon his new responsibilities, to consider this distinction carefully in order to grasp the special force of the exhortation addressed to him.

It is clear that, while the wife should regard her husband as the fountain of authority in the affairs of the household and in the conduct of their joint lives, the husband in the exercise of that authority should express his advice and judgment to her in the terms of love and endearment befitting a channel of the divine will. The real unity of married life will be most fittingly displayed by this blending of authority and affection. The authority of the husband will be conveyed by the expressions of his love, and the obedience of the wife will be prompted by the impulses of her affection.

Now all these facts as to Christ and the church are to shed their light upon the relations between the Christian husband and wife. The marriage relationship is consequently set forth in the highest possible light; in a light altogether unknown to believers of Old Testament days, which accounts for the fact that many of them freely practised things which are wholly disallowed for us today. We are to walk in this light, and consequently the Christian husband is to love his wife as he loves himself — no mean standard that! — and the wife to reverence her husband.

Because the human husband, even the believing one, is frequently very imperfect, and always somewhat imperfect, an even lengthier exhortation is addressed to him. In one word his duty is love. It is easy to see that if the husband yields to his wife the love which is her due, she will not have much difficulty in yielding to him the submission which is his due. Obviously the greater responsibility is placed upon the shoulders of the husband. He is to love, and she is to submit; but the initiative rests with him.

In the first place, the husband is to practise his love in the form of entire self-surrender in order to secure his wife's highest welfare, for, “Christ also loved the church, and delivered Himself up for it.” The blessed Lord surrendered up Himself altogether, without reserve, to promote the best interests of His church. And this whole-hearted sacrifice to ensure the present blessing and future glory of the church of His choice is set up as the model for the husband's imitation.

In the ideal marriage of scripture, therefore, the wife becomes the enthralling object of her spouse's affection and devotion to a degree which deepens in intensity as the years pass. Self is set aside in the home-life, and he that is married is solicitous in everyday matters how he may please his wife rather than himself. And while he may forget his own little lordship in the absorbing self-sacrifice of his love, he finds that his wife does not forget his authority over her nor omit her ready obedience to him, just because he is so lavish in his love toward her.

But, secondly, the husband's love should be manifested by a continual care for the well-being of his wife. This pleasant duty is impressed upon him by the present service of the love of Christ in sanctifying and cleansing the church with the washing of water by the word (ver. 26). Whatever the behaviour of the church towards her Lord, Christ is faithful and unremitting in the activities of His love that she may be purified from everything that is inconsistent with her new status as His chosen bride and the sharer of His coming glories.

Guided by the lofty standard of Christ's concern for His church, the husband studies to promote the welfare of his wife, as his own body (ver. 28). He helps her, first of all in her spiritual life, in the exercises of worship and prayer and service in the home. He lightens her labours in household affairs, shoulders her burdens of family responsibility, shields her from anxieties and fears, comforts her in hours of sorrow, and ministers help to her weakness without telling her so. Neither will he forget to note her acts of devotion to himself in response to his love, nor to praise her many excellences, as the scripture enjoins (Prov. 31:28-29) if he should be so negligent as to need this injunction.

It was for this reason that I said before: if it be true that the very gait and look of a husband, when leaving his house in the morning for his business, often tells a tale as to the measure in which his Christian "helpmeet" has entered into the relationship of the Church to Christ; it is no less true, that the demeanour of the husband, on his return in the evening from the busy city, betrays just as distinctly, how far he has been, throughout the day, living in the sense of what Christ is for the Church, and whether he has been "holding the Head" or not. For a Christian husband, who does not knew how to behave at home as the head of the family, only proves that he does not hold the Head above, nor realises what Christ is for the Church. I do not mean in the sense of maintaining his authority (though this is also true), but as to his love for his wife and children. Why is it, that so many a Christian matrimony is anything but "a heaven on earth?" Because the husband does not live in heaven, nor "hold the Head" in heaven, and therefore doe not live heavenly on earth, nor behave; as the head of a Christian family ought to behave, It is the wife's privilege, it is true, with her gentle, loving hand to smooth away any sorrow, I do not say frown — from the returning husband's brow; but if he during the day, has been resting on Christ's bosom, where His beloved disciple so calmly reposed, whilst everybody around was troubled if his heart has been happy in the consciousness of the love of Christ, Who is now engaged in cleansing the Church, to present her to Himself a glorious bride, without spot or wrinkle; — his wife may have to remove a passing cloud of care, but that cloud will bring no storm; it will disperse before her submissive smile of tender, holy love, without her being made the conductor for a rising tempest in the husband's heart, after a day's sultry atmosphere. Such storms may occur in worldly households (and even there, any husband of natural manliness would be ashamed to be overtaken by them), but they do not clear the atmosphere, as natural tempests do, but only render it more and more heavy and pregnant with the destructive element of strife and contention, until peace and happiness are undermined, unless God interferes, in governmental grace, with His mighty hand and voice, and thus clears and restores the atmosphere, that is, the hearts, in such a household, where Christ has been so sadly denied, because "the gentleness of Christ" and "the love of Christ" had been so little realised.

The Christian husband, whose heart, during, perhaps, a cloudy and stormy day, has been pillowed on Christ's love, and sunning itself in the warmth of that love, does not, on his return, frown his wife into silence, submission, and obedience: but he loves her into it, and the only way he forces her into it is by his own example in submission and dependence upon Christ the Head, and obedience to His Word.

But Christ's love for the Church is not only shown by His cleansing her, but by His nourishing and cherishing her. And it is this part of His loving care in particular, which the Spirit of God here impresses upon the Christian husband's heart and conscience. If Christ's love, in cleansing the Church, has been set here before the Christian husband, it is not, that he should set to work and do the same with his wife, but that he may, in a general way, learn of our loving Head in glory to manifest his love towards his wife in his tender solicitude for her, as to everything that concerns her welfare. And why? Because "he that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh: but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as Christ the Church: for we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones." Therefore those words: "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies," refer to that which follows (in verse 29), rather than to what precedes in verses 26 and 27. There are not a few who show great willingness (I do not say expertness) for washing their wives' feet, but let them starve at the same time. If you do not know how to nourish and cherish, your wife, as your own body, you are not fit to wash her feet.

And wherefore have we this wondrous description of the love of Christ for the church? To show what should be the character of the husband's love for His wife. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church." Not to press too closely the comparison in all its parts, we yet cannot fail to observe, that as Christ's love preceded His giving Himself for the church, so there cannot be a true union in the sight of God unless it has sprung from love. Love, and love only, should be the motive of the choice; and love must cement and beautify the union when formed. The whole element of the married life should be love; and not only so, but if the husband looks upon the standard here given, he will see that the one and constant demand the wife will make upon him is for love. His love must endure — survive all trials, unweariedly seeking to draw his wife closer and closer to himself, and ever keeping before him (as to earth) the object of a union which, as it has sprung from, can only be cemented by, an unchanging and indefatigable love. Nothing less can be intended by this divine model. A special application may perhaps not be out of place. Many a Christian husband finds himself united to an unbeliever; but his duty remains the same. And as the love of Christ seeks the eternal blessedness of the church, so the love of the husband will not be satisfied with seeking to secure the present comfort and happiness of his wife; but it will be exhibited in watchful and tender ministry of that word which brings the knowledge of salvation, through faith in the Lord Jesus. Every husband indeed will feel the obligation of caring for the spiritual welfare of his wife; for it is in this direction that his love will more nearly partake of the same character as that of Christ for the church. Truly therefore marriage, according to God, is no unimportant thing; and the more deeply this is felt, the greater will the husband feel the need of constant dependence, in order in any way to meet his responsibility. And, it may be added, the more constantly he is himself abiding in the sense of Christ's love, the more freely will his love flow out towards his wife.

But again it is added, "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself." (Eph. 5:28-33.) Here we are carried back, as has been remarked, to the garden of Eden, to the creation and presentation of Eve to Adam, which in itself is a manifest figure of the union between Christ and the church; and this fact accounts for the way in which the apostle weaves the two things in these exhortations. (See Gen. 2:21-25.) The union is thus looked upon as so complete — as Adam said of Eve, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh;" and again, "They shall be one flesh" — that it is said, so ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. In this aspect, self-love is to be the measure of a man's love to his wife; and as this is one of the instincts of our nature — and naturally its governing principle — it is impossible to conceive of a more definite and comprehensive direction. Let therefore the oneness of the union — they two shall be one flesh — be apprehended, and love will follow; for the husband will then no more consider his wife as distinct from, but as a part of himself. Thus whatever touches her, will touch him; and his self-love, moving now in a wider circle, includes her, and all that affects and concerns her, within its embrace. All that he desires for himself he will also desire for his wife; all the care he exercises for himself he will exercise for her; and all that he receives he will receive for her as well as for himself. In a word, all the good he seeks and all the evil he deprecates, he will also seek and deprecate for his wife, as for himself; for together they are "one flesh," and therefore he that loveth his wife loveth himself. The word of God provides in this way a perfect antidote against selfishness, and leads out the husband in self-sacrifice, which is the fruit of all true love, and which finds its highest exemplification in Christ, who loved the Church, and gave Himself for it.

Next comes the word to the husbands. "Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them." v. 19. The wife needs not to be exhorted to love her husband; it is assumed that therein her affections are all right. But it is very possible the husband might allow anxiety and outward pressure of life so to occupy him that he might not take sufficient care of his wife or interest in her anxieties; accordingly, this is the exhortation for him. The wife is necessarily thrown upon her husband; she leaves father, mother, and all, and is cast peculiarly upon her husband; and if he be not watchful, he may fail in thoughtful love, in the attention of every day, not sufficiently guarding his temper, which seems to be what is meant by being "bitter." There should be this affection for the wife, this vigilance against the influence of circumstances; the outward world might often occasion irritation, and then the husband is liable to vent his spleen at home, especially on his wife. This is human nature and what we know too often happens; but it is not Christ; and here it is guarded against. "Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them." Let none presume to think it needless.

And husbands are certainly not to take advantage of their wives because of their subject place. They are rather to "dwell them (not above them) according to knowledge, in sober recognition of what is right and proper. And because the wife is physically the weaker vessels the husband is to give her honor for the stronger is certainly responsible to support the weaker. Let him show every true consideration for her welfare. In the world today, because! of man's abuse of his authority, women have suffered, and now have turned in resentment of this, demanding equal rights, etc. But neither of these abuses is right and Christians, whether men or women, should properly realize their place, and keep it, also faithfully discharging the responsibilities of that place.

Husband and wife then are to consider themselves "heirs together of the grace of life." This is not heirs in reference to blessing (of which Romans 8:17 speaks), but, in reference to receiving from God present grace to live in devoted obedience to Him. Let us make full use of this precious heritage of "the Grace of life." In this spirit of proper consideration for one another there is a preserving character, so that the prayers of the husband and wife together are not hindered.