But *ye* also, every one of you, let each so love his own wife as himself; but as to the wife [I speak] that she may fear the husband.
Ephesians has just lifted marriage to its highest point: Christ and the church. Now, in one verse, the subject comes back down to one man and one woman in one home. Everything turns on a small word — "however" (older versions read "nevertheless"). Two duties follow, and they are not the same: he loves, she respects.
The Turn Back to Daily Life
Why does the verse start with a turn like this? Having taught the heavenly side of marriage, the Spirit adds a word that steadies and limits it.
The apostle's "nevertheless" is very important. It has wide application. Clearly the Holy Spirit saw the need for such a qualifying, moderating, regulating clause when, having commented on the heavenly side of the subject of marriage, He adds the words of this verse.
Why does this need saying? Because marriage stands in two worlds at once.
Are not husbands and wives, parents and children, masters and servants, earthly relationships? Unquestionably. True, they are formed on a heavenly model and to be carried out after a heavenly pattern... Still they are relationships in nature, formed on the earth and to be carried out in daily life. There will be no such relationships in heaven.
Each One of You
The command does not speak to marriage in general. It names each husband. Daily life at home tests what he says he believes.
Of what use is it for a man to speak of lofty theories about the heavenly relationship of Christ and the church while he fails every day of his life in his earthly relationship as a husband? His wife is neglected. She may be treated coldly or harshly. She is not nourished, cherished, sustained and ministered to according to the heavenly model of Christ and His church.
The Measure: "As Himself"
The husband gets no list of rules. He gets one standard, and it is a high one.
The marriage relationship is set forth in the highest possible light... We are to walk in this light, and so the Christian husband is to love his wife as he loves himself — no small standard, that! — and the wife to reverence her husband.
Husband and wife are one flesh. So Christ's care for the church sets the pattern for his care of her.
The wife, being "one flesh" with him, he must nourish and cherish her, even as Christ the church. What heights and depths this comparison contains! It shows indeed that the debt of love is never paid, but always owed. And yet love delights to recognise it, and to be always paying it, lavishing care and tenderness on her who has become one with him in the view of God.
What "Respect" Means
The word behind "respects" is a word for fear. What kind of fear does it mean, and how does a wife show it?
The word "fear" is the same as the one translated "reverence" in Ephesians. It teaches that her behaviour should recognise the position the husband holds in God's order and appointment. There is no thought of slavish dread, but simply the loving reverence which seeks to please and fears to offend. This grows naturally out of giving her husband his true place — his place as her head. So when she gives him respect, she also honours God's appointment.
This fear does not compete with love. It has an aim, and it binds both sides of the marriage.
Let her see that she reverences or, literally, fears her husband... Whatever the confidence of a wife in her husband, it is surely a fitting thing for a wife to fear him. Nor is this in the least incompatible with love... Here it is the fear that dreads to offend, and earnestly seeks the husband's honour... The principle always holds. As nothing justifies a husband in not loving his wife, so nothing justifies a wife in not reverencing her husband.
The Two Sides Held Together
The verse's two commands are not rivals. The same pattern appears in the church's own attitude toward Christ.
She reverences her husband (it might read, "Fear the husband," Eph. 5:33), while she knows that he loves her as Himself.
And when either side is dropped, homes suffer for it.
We are not to forget that the husband is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to reverently fear her husband. Here lies the true secret of married happiness, and it is because these scriptural exhortations are not heeded that so much sorrow and distress are found in many homes.
Summary
- Nevertheless — one word carries the highest truth in Scripture into an ordinary house. Heavenly teaching is meant to shape earthly ties that will not exist in heaven.
- In particular — the command names each husband. The way he treats one wife day by day tests all his big talk about Christ and the church.
- As himself — the husband measures love by the care he gives his own body. The pattern is Christ nourishing and cherishing the church: a debt of love never paid off, always owed.
- Respect — the word means fear. Not dread, but loving respect that seeks to please, fears to offend, and guards her husband's honour.
- Together — love and respect are two halves of one order. Keep both, and you hold the true secret of married happiness.