Debate thy cause with thy neighbour, but reveal not the secret of another;
This verse follows a warning about rushing into a quarrel, and it draws one line: settle the dispute with the person himself, and leave his private business out of it. Two questions follow: why does telling a third party feel so natural, and why does it end in your own disgrace?
A person who rushes to accuse often finds the accusation collapsing under him.
Haste opens the door to all sorts of mistakes. This is most true when it turns into a quarrel with another person. He can soon prove you wrong where you least suspected it. Then the over-confident accuser is put to shame, and looks in vain for somewhere to retreat and hide.
Once ill-feeling exists, the instinct is to tell somebody else about it. The proverb points the other way — toward the harder conversation with the one person who can actually settle it.
How carefully we must guard the doors of our lips! Disagreement, discord and bad feeling have come between neighbours. Will spreading it elsewhere settle it? Let us have grace and honest courage of heart to face our neighbour in a spirit of meekness and true concern, so that we reach a proper understanding. Think of the countless cases of offence that were never settled, but only made worse, by selfish, thoughtless gossip — when one word of simple apology could have ended them forever!
The person we choose to confide in is rarely chosen at random.
Perhaps we know someone who is not on friendly terms with the person who has hurt us. We have little doubt that he will listen eagerly to the story of our wrongs. The danger is that our selfishness sends us to him — though if we cared about his soul, he would be the last person in the church we should ever tell... It is much to be feared that we are not altogether sorry to punish the one who wronged us by lowering him in other people's eyes.
The second half of the verse turns from the quarrel to what you know about the other person. Real discussion is allowed; using private knowledge as ammunition is not.
You may discuss with a neighbour what concerns you deeply. But be careful never to give away something you have somehow learned, and so harm him.
Where that line falls is not always obvious.
This is a very delicate area. It needs real energy of communion with God to have the wisdom to act rightly. In certain cases there may be facts that others should know, and where to draw the line calls for serious exercise of heart. But I must be careful not to put my neighbour in a wrong or bad light. And before I speak, I must always judge in myself any feeling of personal grievance.
The proverb's threat falls on the speaker, not on the neighbour.
Otherwise telling it will disgrace the one who spreads it, and the harm will last a long time.
Truth is not the test. What matters is what the words are for.
Even if a gossip's words were completely true — which they seldom are — they do harm in every way, and they come under the condemnation of evil speaking. They have no moral purpose and no loving manner. At best this is gossip. Mostly it is simply the pleasure of talking about things that right feeling would rather keep hidden. The result is wounds that go very deep, in the places where they are least curable.
Holding your tongue is not weakness — though there is one thing it must never hide.
Whoever covers an offense seeks love. This does not mean covering your own wrongdoing, which we ought to confess honestly to the Lord. It means we should not expose someone else's wrongdoing unless the matter affects others. There are also smaller matters that we may hear but ought not to repeat, because such carelessness can separate friends.
- Haste — Rush into a dispute and you will make mistakes. The one you accuse may prove you wrong where you least expected it, and leave you no place to hide.
- Him — Face your neighbour yourself, with meekness and honest courage. Spreading it elsewhere settles nothing. One word of apology can end what gossip only inflames.
- Held — You may discuss your own case. You may not give away what you have learned and so harm him. Knowing when others need to know takes communion with God, and honest judgment of your own grievance first.
- Hurt — Even true words wound deeply when they serve no loving purpose, and those wounds are the hardest to heal.
- Home — The disgrace comes back on the one who spread it, and the harm lasts. Covering a matter, not repeating it, is the path that seeks love.
lest he that heareth [it] disgrace thee, and thine evil report turn not away.
This verse looks past the quarrel itself to what happens when you take it to a third party. The warning falls on the one who talks. The shame he meant for his neighbour lands on him, and the bad name never lifts.
The grievance may be real. The line falls at one place:
You may discuss with a neighbour what concerns you deeply, but you must beware of betraying what you have somehow learned to his injury.
The result lands on the speaker:
Otherwise its disclosure will disgrace the one who spreads it, so that the ill effect will long remain.
The previous verse gives the alternative: argue your case with your neighbour himself.
How guarded the doors of our lips must be! Disagreement, discord and ill-feeling have come between neighbours. Will spreading it elsewhere settle it? Let us have grace and honest courage of heart. Let us face our neighbour in a spirit of meekness and true concern, so that we reach a proper understanding. How painful are the countless cases of offence that were never settled! Selfish, thoughtless gossip only made them worse, when a word of simple apology might have ended it forever.
We know who will enjoy hearing it:
Perhaps we know a fellow believer who is not on the friendliest terms with the one who has injured us. We have little doubt that he will lend a ready ear to the tale of our wrongs. The danger is that, in our selfishness, we go to him. Yet if we thought of his soul's welfare, he would be the last person we should ever tell... We may well fear that we are not altogether sorry to punish our brother by lowering him in the eyes of others.
Why does the ill repute have no end? Look at what such words do to the person who hears them:
This is exactly how the soul reacts to the words of talebearers. They are like deep, internal wounds — the Hebrew word means "to burn in." Such things have so deep an effect that they may never be forgotten, while other forms of wrong are soon dismissed from the mind. Talebearing may easily lead to a permanent break between saints of God.
Even accurate reports fall under this warning:
Even if the words were strictly true, which they rarely are, they do harm in every way. They fall under the censure of evil speaking. They wholly lack a moral object or a loving way. At best it is gossip. Mostly it is the mere indulgence of talking about things that right feeling would rather keep quiet.
Silence is not always the right answer:
This area is very delicate. It needs real energy of communion with God to have the wisdom to act rightly. In certain cases there may be facts that others should know, and where to draw the line calls for serious exercise. But I must be careful not to put my neighbour in a wrong or bad light. And before I speak, I must always judge in myself any feeling of personal grievance.
The verse names the listener: "he who hears you." He has a duty of his own:
Accept nothing said in this way, and rebuke the talebearer. That will soon check such people and put them to shame. To repeat slanderous tales is to share the guilt and the mischief.
The same lips can do the opposite:
On the other hand, the proverb compares a word spoken to the point, or in season, to apples of gold in baskets of silver. It is the fruit of divine righteousness served up with fitting grace.
- Direct. Settle a grievance with the neighbour himself. Spreading it elsewhere has never settled anything; it only made things worse.
- Disclosed. Tell others what would injure your neighbour, and the disgrace lands on you, the one who spread it.
- Deep. Such words burn in like internal wounds. Other wrongs fade; these are never forgotten, and they can break a friendship for good.
- Discerned. Some facts must be told. Knowing where the line falls takes real communion with God — and judging your own grievance first.
- Different. The alternative to the tale is the word spoken in season — gold apples in silver baskets, righteousness served with grace.